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Old 01-07-2011, 12:37 AM   #1
Gaiad
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Critical Condition

I can't stand...
What life has become
Knowing that it's end seems...
So very near

All this time spent...
Not knowing what to do
But this realization...
Is what it took to wake me

[Chorus]
I'm no longer brave
A feeling I can no longer capture
The world just won't behave
My life is being broken down... and torn away
It's all ending without an answer
And I'm... in critical condition
[/Chorus]

Your life means so much
So why must you crash into the earth
And blow me away without notice

Is it just a fatal flaw
Or am I mistaken
The world isn't to be forsaken
So why leave and withdraw

[Chorus]

If you could catch my last breath
My final goodbye before you fall
I'd wish for a better understanding
I'd wish that you could hear my call

If only for a moment
I could take it all back
If I could revisit the time
And change this future
I would change it
I would change it all

I'm no longer brave
And no longer will this world behave

[Chorus]

--------------------

This is my first time posting on here and this is also my first song. Little nervous about sharing it, but here it is.

Thanks.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SteveHouse
That's actually the point of this. Tell your inner editor to shut the fock up and just write.
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Old 01-08-2011, 12:23 AM   #2
RaysGotThis
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Even though I'm not exactly a representative, I'll take the opportunity and say "Welcome to S&L."

This is good stuff for your first time writing lyrics. It's not astounding, but it's good, and what's more is that it's thoughtful and feeling, which is what I think really comes through here.
The word choice is fine and the verses and choruses are put together decently, but the delivery is the clincher. Keeping your lines short and rather introspective makes this feel like the thoughts of someone laying in hospital bed (which is clearly what you were going for), and that gives it impact, which is the best thing about the lyrics.

Done right, I think this could make a pretty sweet first song. You should definitely consider recording this somehow if you write fitting music and have the means.

Nice job; if this is indicative of your writing style, I'll be psyched to see more from you.


P.S. I like your taste in books. And guitarists. And your birthday
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Old 01-08-2011, 06:12 PM   #3
Gaiad
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RaysGotThis
Even though I'm not exactly a representative, I'll take the opportunity and say "Welcome to S&L."

This is good stuff for your first time writing lyrics. It's not astounding, but it's good, and what's more is that it's thoughtful and feeling, which is what I think really comes through here.
The word choice is fine and the verses and choruses are put together decently, but the delivery is the clincher. Keeping your lines short and rather introspective makes this feel like the thoughts of someone laying in hospital bed (which is clearly what you were going for), and that gives it impact, which is the best thing about the lyrics.

Done right, I think this could make a pretty sweet first song. You should definitely consider recording this somehow if you write fitting music and have the means.

Nice job; if this is indicative of your writing style, I'll be psyched to see more from you.


P.S. I like your taste in books. And guitarists. And your birthday



Thanks for the critique!

Glad to know that's it not really bad.

But although similar, someone laying in the hospital bed isn't exactly what its original meaning is, but the idea is similar if not the same I would say.

And on the short lines, yeah, I've always had it in my head that that's the way to write it out. But after reading some stuff in here, it seems to be okay to write a bit longer lines. So I'll definitely try that!

Also thanks for the welcome.


P.S. I also like your taste in bands, guitarists, and your birthday.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SteveHouse
That's actually the point of this. Tell your inner editor to shut the fock up and just write.
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Old 01-09-2011, 04:08 PM   #4
anowilisgvyona
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RayGotThis Didn't leave me with much to say...He pretty much nailed it. It's good, but not as good as it could be.....For your first song though, it's leaps and bounds above where I started. You've got the potential to really be a great writer.

It did create a hospital bed picture as Ray mentioned....but I like that. You're piece is not directly about the laying in a hospital bed, but the meaning you're going for kind of reflects it. "Laying in a hospital bed", I think, would be an excellent metaphor for what you're really saying. I like that aspect of these lyrics.
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Old 02-04-2011, 02:39 AM   #5
GoxGetterxGuy
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I enjoyed this.

I feel like another verse would would be a nice addition. maybe something to take it out of that similar pattern you have going.

Sort of a break from the same old same old.

But thats just me :P

Good stuff Gaiad!


C4C on some of my old stuff?

http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...10#post22663110
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Old 07-02-2011, 03:02 AM   #6
leilalauren
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Welcome to the Songwriting forum! I'm rather a newbie myself, but I hope you stick around.

I'm beginning to learn that RaysGotThis is always very insightful and eloquent. Listen to him! (and check out his latest if you haven't already)

The only thing I would add...
The fall/call rhyme bugged me a bit. Seemed a bit too perfect, and saying the world won't behave strikes me as a bit trite, but overall I enjoyed it very much.

Looking forward to seeing you around!
Blessings
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Old 07-02-2011, 06:47 AM   #7
woodery9896
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simon cowell: there is potential talent there.

lol im a newbie too, and ive only put one song on a UG forum called "when im with you", but compared to you, its nothing
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