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Old 02-14-2011, 04:09 PM   #1
guitartaber93
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Do You Remember?

I woke up to start the day,
Overcast in shadows,
Melancholy bitterness,
Come take me away,
drifting back,
To times spent in Technicolor,
Instead of still frames,
Black and white in nature
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Old 02-14-2011, 04:10 PM   #2
NEScore
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i remember when i was a hamster
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Old 02-14-2011, 04:25 PM   #3
guitartaber93
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I remember, when people had good crits.
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Old 02-14-2011, 04:38 PM   #4
Bleed Away
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Ignore the idiot. The line 'melancholy bitterness' is quite redundant, and not to mention, it reads quite awkwardly as well. I also wasn't a fan of the way each line ended with a comma (except for the last line.) Each line has emotion but, except for the last three lines, they don't work as a cohesive whole. That's my biggest complaint here. Try to rework the first five lines in this poem is my main advice here. I did like the last three lines though; I thought you did a good job
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Last edited by Bleed Away : 02-14-2011 at 04:45 PM.
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Old 02-14-2011, 10:59 PM   #5
guitartaber93
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hmmmm, i'll just rewrite everything before the last three lines i guess.
I'm gonna edit the last line a bit though i think as well.
Thanks for the input:]

EDIT:

Some days I wonder if it would've happened differently
where in the world would we be?
Instead of here in this dead end box
thinking back on you and me,
To times spent in Technicolor
Instead of still frames
Black and white in nature,

Just to let you guys knwo this is suppose to be an opening verse to a song i'm writing.

Last edited by guitartaber93 : 02-14-2011 at 11:13 PM.
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Old 02-15-2011, 03:08 AM   #6
Svetlova
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It's a good start but to me the last lines sound awkward. You begin to establish some kind of rhyme scheme, 'differently' , 'me' , 'be', but then abandon any rhymes for the last lines. I think it drastically interrupts the rhythm. I'd like to see more, at the moment there's not quite enough to really invoke anything but I'm interested to see how you can elaborate.
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Old 02-15-2011, 05:13 AM   #7
Bleed Away
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Svetlova
It's a good start but to me the last lines sound awkward. You begin to establish some kind of rhyme scheme, 'differently' , 'me' , 'be', but then abandon any rhymes for the last lines. I think it drastically interrupts the rhythm. I'd like to see more, at the moment there's not quite enough to really invoke anything but I'm interested to see how you can elaborate.


I agree with this entirely
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Old 02-15-2011, 02:45 PM   #8
guitartaber93
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Some days I wonder if it would've happened differently
where in the world would we be?
Instead of here in this dead end box
thinking back on you and me,
To times spent in Technicolor Instead of still frames
black and white everyday just the same.
sick and tired of being sick and tired.
but i guess there's no one else to blame

Maybe i'm totally just ruining it? ahahaha
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