guitartaber93

I woke up to start the day,
Overcast in shadows,
Melancholy bitterness,
Come take me away,
drifting back,
To times spent in Technicolor,
Instead of still frames,
Black and white in nature

NEScore

i remember when i was a hamster

guitartaber93

I remember, when people had good crits.

Bleed Away

Ignore the idiot. The line 'melancholy bitterness' is quite redundant, and not to mention, it reads quite awkwardly as well. I also wasn't a fan of the way each line ended with a comma (except for the last line.) Each line has emotion but, except for the last three lines, they don't work as a cohesive whole. That's my biggest complaint here. Try to rework the first five lines in this poem is my main advice here. I did like the last three lines though; I thought you did a good job

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Mulbery

guitartaber93

hmmmm, i'll just rewrite everything before the last three lines i guess.
I'm gonna edit the last line a bit though i think as well.
Thanks for the input:]

EDIT:

Some days I wonder if it would've happened differently
where in the world would we be?
Instead of here in this dead end box
thinking back on you and me,
To times spent in Technicolor
Instead of still frames
Black and white in nature,

Just to let you guys knwo this is suppose to be an opening verse to a song i'm writing.

Svetlova

It's a good start but to me the last lines sound awkward. You begin to establish some kind of rhyme scheme, 'differently' , 'me' , 'be', but then abandon any rhymes for the last lines. I think it drastically interrupts the rhythm. I'd like to see more, at the moment there's not quite enough to really invoke anything but I'm interested to see how you can elaborate.

Bleed Away

I agree with this entirely

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Mulbery