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Old 02-14-2011, 03:22 AM   #1
~Flounder~
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Pot WIP - In Dreams We Fold (Indsutrial) - NEW Version

EDIT: NEW VERSION UPLOADED AS OF 2/19...CHECK IT OUT!!!

Hey all,



So after uploading my original version and seeing what comments I got on it, I decided to do some reworking. *Most* of the structure is the same, and it is a lot closer to the finished product. Prechorus and Chorus vocals are complete, but nothing else. Everything is growled (think Deathklok, Darkest Hour) except half of the prechorus. Also there is now a pretty basic bass guitar part (I'm least of all a bassist so it is what it is lol) Also synths are close to completion, including the key solo!!!


C4C as always
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File Type: gp4 In Dreams We Fold.gp4 (63.7 KB, 180 views)
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Old 02-14-2011, 02:18 PM   #2
envoykrawkwar7
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intro sounded like old duke nukem =)
then as we get into the verse it remind me ALOT of bullet for my valentine, not a bad thing though, i like the way it progresses, the melody could be in a bit of a higher register though.
definitely really liked that melodic interlude, it had a cool feel, make it go for longer if you can!
bridge/mosh in all honesty could be a lot heavier with more synth backing it big time, but it gets the job done just as well, the interlude after feels like its probably the most ready part of the song minus the bass its totally complete
and your chorus both times i really like, especially after i turned up the synth parts, they really make it what it is, make em audible man.
i think your next step here is gonna be a solo, then a bridge chorus out if your look for ending it in the most fitting way, if not hey its your song and id love to see something different come out of this. now for the things i have problems with, you tend to go to single string chugging in your verses it seems, it'd be much better if you made em chords, and then keep the single hits to when your bouncing on the chug riffs, it feel a lot fuller. actually that's the only problem with it, just finish it up, make a few filling changes here and there and you're set man.

c4c? http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...d.php?t=1411276
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Old 02-14-2011, 09:16 PM   #3
Mean Mr Mustard
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Alright critting as I go.

I liked the intro, it had a fun vibe to it. The intro that comes in is nice as well. I really enjoyed the rhythm section here of the drums and bass. I liked the synths but really couldn't here them until I turned them up to at least a volume of 9.

The verse was nice, it did remind me of BFMV, and I think some catchy vocal melody could go great here. The guitar harmony was great, but a little quiet in the mix, Id turn that up as well. The vocal line was quite hard to hear as well, but it had a really nice melody to it, Id like to hear it.

The Chorus was great, great way to build on the intro with those vocals layed out, I assume theyll either be screams or chants. The verse repeats from here, and I think thats okay, but I started to get bored of the verse since its not too interesting with very little melody. Im sure a vocal line could take care of this, but the section is still a little dull.

The melodic part it goes into was fine, as was the Epix Pre-chorus, however, I think you should stray back into the Chorus here. Sure, I know you dont want to be generic, But I think that it needs it. Id stick it in between the Pre-chorus and the instrumental section. Or instead of the instrumental section, Id go from the chorus into a very slow section with some ambient keyboard sounds and vocals. (kinda something like this is what I had in mind. Hey, actually, have you heard of that band; I get a vibe of them from your song?). And from there, I guess the rest is up to you, but personally, thats how I would go. I really think that the song could use a change of pace from the fast metalcore style you used.

Overall though, its great for what it is. I used to be more into this stuff than I am now, but I can still recognize that its a very well-written song, different from most. However, its not different enough, Id really love a clean section or some keyboard section, something to break the mood for a bit you know? Anyways, keep doing what you do, and make an awesome ending to the song and then post it up! Good job

Do you think you could return the crit with the song I am about to post tonight? Ill edit this post with the url once I post it. EDIT:ah here we are
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Old 02-15-2011, 02:06 AM   #4
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Extremely nice. I was quite fond of the chorus, and thought it was a nice vocal placement. As stated above, a clean section would be extremely nice if it was kinda Opeth-y, as that would fit right in. I didn't really see much wrong with it, other than a clean section was needed. How long did it take you to write this?
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Old 02-15-2011, 10:42 AM   #5
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envoy-

Yea I guess MIDI metal has a tendancy to give off that old DOOM/Duke Nukem stle sound haha. BFMV is def one of our big influences, although not necessarily for this song in particular. I agree that the interlude needs to be longer, and I'm hoping to throw in a little unison or some cool guitar wankage, but haven't come up with anything cool yet. And while the bridge/mosh could be heavier, its not really supposed to be a breakdown, although I do think a cool synth part would really help to define the section. Also, you mentioned that you would recommend the ending to be a "bridge chorus out" what exactly do you mean by that? We all think that the ending isn't quite as strong as it should be and definitely want to flesh that out. Also, when you wrote: "now for the things i have problems with, you tend to go to single string chugging in your verses it seems, it'd be much better if you made em chords, and then keep the single hits to when your bouncing on the chug riffs, it feel a lot fuller" I'm not really sure what you are talking about but I bet it would help out with the song haha. Thanks, I;ll get to your crit when I have free time (have classes all day today)
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Old 02-15-2011, 10:51 AM   #6
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Mean Mr Mustard

thanks for the crit man! Yea everyone has been telling me to turn the f'n synths up in the intro/chorus section. I feel like a volume of maybe 8 is appropriate....I think they help to round out the sound of the riff but I really want the drums,guitars,bass,vocals to stand out here so they're definitely more of a background riff. Also yea the verse is supposed to have lamb of god style growls going over it. So it is a simple riff (some say too simple) but its heavy and simple...perfect for metal vox.

As far as the vocal melody in the prechorus, it is supposed to be sung. However, everything else in the song vocals wise is supposed to be growled (Think Darkest Hour, Lamb of God, Chilren of Bodom, In Flames, etC) so I'm hoping it will sound sweet. I agree that repeating the verse again is somewhat boring, and I guess we will have to wait and see if vocals help to keep it interesting. If not, I will have to throw in some fun riffage to keep the song flowing.

I really like your idea of throwing in a slower, more ambient/keyboard based section in the second half of the song. Although it would break up the fast-paced flow of the song, I think it would help to build the tension for the final chorus part, plus get some variety (and keyboard highlights) in there. I have never heard of them, but I will definitely look into them because our band draws a lot of inspiration from similar genres/bands.

As in the above response, I'm busy but I will definitely crit your song in the near future XD
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Old 02-15-2011, 11:01 AM   #7
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Duality Ninja,

Thanks dude! It's always good to hear positive stuff about music I've spent lots of time and effort on haha. It seems like lots of people are bringing up the idea of adding a break in the song to slow it down for a bit, then build back up for the ending. I really like that, and I think Opeth would be great inspiration for that sort of section.

Our drummer wrote the original guitar tracks (main riff/chorus, some of the verse, prechorus, mosh/bridge, instrumental section, as well as the harmonies) months ago and showed them to us. Then he made a multitrack recording with guitars and a drum track. However we all live a few hours apart and I'm in school (so is the guitar player) so we never really got a chance to jam on it. I don't know how long the drummer had been working on the ideas. But over the past two weeks I transcribed the drums (and added some new fills XD), wrote the guitars out in guitar pro (originally he sent them in Power Tab), messed with the arrangement and some of the parts as well as added new parts. So yea its close to being finished but still needs solid bass track and I need to come up with epic keyboard shit (which usually takes awhile haha).
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Old 02-16-2011, 01:48 AM   #8
envoykrawkwar7
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here check guitar 2 around bar 34, youll know exactly what i was trying to but failed to say haha, also i gave you and idea for your interlude, you can toss it if you want but i heard something like that going over it personally

also as the the bridge chorus out, i meant to say go to a bridge, then bring back your chorus and then a big ending to this would be the perfect way to finish it up
id love to help with that but if you knew how slow guitar pro ran on my computer youd understand my lack of trying haha, i can do little edits but writeing big parts of songs takes forever, which is why my stuff turns out so copy paste-y, but id love some help on mine with the piano if youd want to do that, im not much of a piano player i just dabble here and there and try my best [there is an updated version with a longer piano track though i just never posted it]
Attached Files
File Type: gp5 In Dreams We Fold.gp5 (97.6 KB, 35 views)
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Old 02-19-2011, 02:04 AM   #9
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To this^^^

I will take a look at the piano for you....I already have some ideas but need to flesh them out. I think I might take the intro guitar lead harmony and use that in the piano stuff XD



ALSO: NEW VERSION OF THE SONG UPLOADED
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Old 02-20-2011, 12:09 AM   #10
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Thx for the crit. But i had accidentally uploaded the unfinished version of my song so the one you crited was only like halfway done :S you can go back and listen to it again if you want, but I'm still going to give you your crit

So I'm just gonna say this up front so you don't hear me repeat it 20 times, i think synthesizers/synth drums sound horribly cheesey and make it hard for me to take metal seriously (but i'll try to ignore them or pretend they are a real instrument to give as unbiased a crit i can )

The intro was ok, but it sounded like it could be the main menu music of an old snes game. lol

Main riff, now we got metal Not a whole lot to complain about here, I love the way the guitars kinda sound like they are "bouncing" off one another (can't think of a much more apt description)

Verse and Pre-chorus were really nice and well constructed, the melody starts to seem like it may be a bit overused but its a good melody so its not much of a problem.

Main riff again, with lyrics i like the lyrics, i just have one suggestion: "live once, die twice" would probably sound better as "LIVED once, DIED twice"

I like what you did with the next pre-chorus the transitions were cool and i like how it didn't lead back into the chorus like i was expecting it to. Although if its not leading into a chorus does that really make it a "pre"-chorus? lol

Mosh/bridge is nice, i can definitely imagine large mosh pits rocking out to this and I really enjoyed the instrumental part where you added a melody and the drums changed up.

Back to main riff, and i couldn't think of a better ending. Good job, a little short but an excellent song
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Old 02-20-2011, 06:21 PM   #11
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Your track has a big happy/upbeat feel to it, different to any of the stuff I usually listen. The positives by far out weigh any of the negatives found here and your guitar work shined throughout the track. That been said however I feel as if the Verse 2 becomes slightly too tedious, so maybe do something to freshen that up a little, unless you're relying on the vocals to do so here which then is fine. Oh and like a few mentioned, adding a clean section will add a whole new dimension to the track so I reckon you should definitely do so. Keen on seeing the end result.
Anyways please crit the collab track I've worked on found here:
http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...d.php?t=1413179
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Old 02-20-2011, 10:58 PM   #12
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Thanks for the crit, and sorry for taking so long to get back, been crazy busy lately.

Critting as I listen :

Intro : Digging this, nice groove, the drums were nice.

Main Riff : Pretty cool, kind of had a mix between a Bullet for my Valentine and 80s hard rock feel. Pretty generic, but it fits well.

Verse : The lead was quite good, but I really didn't like the chugging. It took away from the rest of the section, it's just a technique that's too overused. Many change it for a power metal style chord/tremelo picking rhythym?

Pre-Chorus : Interesting riff, definitely had a BFMV feel. The harmony was OK, but I think if you harmonized guitar and keyboard it would work much better.

Main Riff : The keys were nice, but I found the bells off putting. They may have just been to loud in the mix.

Verse : Same as before.

Pre-Chorus : I much prefered this variation on the pre-chorus. The keys were wacky had a very chaotic feel, and theyu sounded out of key in some places but they were still a nice addition.

Bridge : Generic bridge, again very BFMV. Not much to say, maybe add more rhythmic variation.

Instrumental : Didn't really like it too be honest, maybe switch it out for a solo.

The transition into the final verse was strange, but it worked to an extent.

Final Chorus : Godd way to end the song. The strings at the end were cool.

Overall : A decent song, albeit generic. It has potential. 7/10
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Old 02-21-2011, 10:52 AM   #13
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Intro: Pretty sick, really liked the transition into the main riff
Main Riff: Very Bodom'y, if you've ever listened to Children of Bodom. Nothing wrong here.
Verse: I didn't really like the chugging parts of it, like the start of the riff, but I did enjoy the chugging at the end of the verse. Bars 47-50 were cool.
Pre-Chorus: Quite enjoyed this part, seemed slightly generic but that's just being a bit harsh. The drums were really good here. Transition into main riff works great.
Main Riff: Yah
Verse: Yah
Pre-Chorus: I really liked the variation, and the keyboard was sick.
Bridge/Mosh: I didn't really like this section, it just felt a bit too basic for everything that just happened before.
Instrumental Break: I was kinda disappointed, I was hoping for some cool cross-rhythms but this just seemed like a typical BFMV kinda riff. I think you should just try and make this more complicated as it is the instrumental part of the song, which was actually the least interesting part of the song. I felt the transition into the main riff felt a little odd, but it worked I guess.
Main Riff: Good way to end the song. Especially liked the ending.

Pretty good piece so far man. Not forcing you to touch up the bits I didn't like, but I think it could be so much better if you did. Nice one.

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Old 02-21-2011, 01:40 PM   #14
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Hey man, thanks for the crit! You gave me some really good advice on the last song I put up (Elements - trance/metal track) and I was actually hoping that you would show up again!

Yea it seems like the second half of the song (prechorus/keyboard solo to end) has been getting the least favorable crits so far- I think it would be a good idea to maybe rearrange a few of the sections so it flows better, as well as spice up the instrumental break and even the mosh part.

Again thanks alot, getting outside opinions helps so much when it comes to writing original music. I'll be sure to crit your song when I get the chance as well (hopefully tonight)
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