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Old Yesterday, 06:13 AM   #1
Jammydude44
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Drainpipes

bedside ruins and I'm Indiana Jones
on the forage for a ring on finger bones
rotting in the bottom drawer
beside a knight in shining armour and a whore

in the forest of the foggy memories
by crumpled rizla foliage and trees
I snag myself an empty hiding spot
just waiting for the morning to be forgot

I think of you all the time I'm there
in fact I swear the pillow has your same stare
ideas of escape, are what keep me awake
climbing down drainpipes just to see the earth begin to quake

the floor is lava and my shoes are over there
but really I can't bare to touch this day
she shifts tectonics like crumpled magazines
leaving me with nothing but low-quality daydreams

I think of you all the time I'm there
in fact I swear the pillow has your same stare
ideas of escape, are what keep me awake
climbing down drainpipes just to see the earth begin to quake

there's no colour in the atmosphere without you
there's no beauty in the horizon's end
the coffee tastes too thick; the whisky makes me sick
and rust begins to creep into my pen

I think of you all the time I'm there
in fact I swear the pillow has your same stare
ideas of escape, are what keep me awake
climbing down drainpipes just to see the earth begin to quake
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Old Yesterday, 09:17 AM   #2
Herr Rararr
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jammydude44
bedside ruins and I'm Indiana Jones
on the forage for a ring on finger bones
rotting in the bottom drawer
beside a knight in shining armour and a whore



I like the imagery and it immediately sets a tone - a little dark and morbid, which I like. The last line of the verse is maybe overcrowded by a syllable or two.

Quote:

in the forest of the foggy memories
by crumpled rizla foliage and trees
I snag myself an empty hiding spot
just waiting for the morning to be forgot



I love the combined metaphor, Rizla foliage, a great example of showing and not telling as well - the only thing is again the last line of the verse - because of the rhyme scheme it sounds very forced (forgotten would fit better, but doesn't rhyme...)

Quote:

I think of you all the time I'm there
in fact I swear the pillow has your same stare
ideas of escape, are what keep me awake
climbing down drainpipes just to see the earth begin to quake


Again, the last line - a little heavy on the words/syllables - it lost me a little in the imagery as well - earthquake?

Quote:
the floor is lava and my shoes are over there
but really I can't bare to touch this day
she shifts tectonics like crumpled magazines
leaving me with nothing but low-quality daydreams


Tectonics line is the highlight of the whole piece - sharp, evocative, a superb line.
I hate to repeat, but again, the last line has that heavy feel - is this intentional?

Quote:
there's no colour in the atmosphere without you
there's no beauty in the horizon's end
the coffee tastes too thick; the whisky makes me sick
and rust begins to creep into my pen


The first half of this verse leaves me cold - it's generic - but the third line is great, it's specific, it shows me the effect this is having on you. The final line is a bit self-referential, but that's a personal preference.

Overall I really like this, you paint a compelling picture, I can feel the struggle. There's a couple of lines that are absolute diamonds in there, too.
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Old Yesterday, 09:20 AM   #3
Aeolian Harmony
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When I read this, it goes at a very languid cadence in my head with some interesting variations in meter at the ends of certain stanzas/verses.

I appreciate the metaphor of a "drainpipe" as a kind of coping strategy for forgetting--that's clever.

The second-to-last stanza stands out as especially evocative, particularly the first line ("there's no colour...").
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