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Old 07-01-2015, 10:58 PM   #1
Magnumopus7001
Karl Marx
 
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Houston, texas
Fixed

The moon sold me your secrets
So I could pull my head out
And experience hope and a reason
To let warmth bake my skin.

Bend over and stretch my
Spinal cord so I can hopefully
Reach higher.

Flood my inner core
And kill the fire that
Fuels my body,
Scrub the rust off my
Surface.
Make me new again,
Open to me again.
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Old Yesterday, 05:21 AM   #2
Dregen
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Location: the fool
this is just my opinion but perhaps you should switch to using lowercase letters, even at the beginning of the next stanza. if this flowed casually together, it would work much better i think. with the capital letters at the beginning of each stanza, it feels like it unnecessarily accents those words and makes the flow jagged. there are times for that, however i don't think it's here. sometimes the line break alone is enough.

i'll leave a quoted change here. just look between the two and observe how differently each feels

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magnumopus7001
the moon sold me your secrets
so I could pull my head out
and experience hope and a reason
to let warmth bake my skin..

bend over and stretch my
spinal cord so I can hopefully
reach higher.

flood my inner core
and kill the fire that
fuels my body,
scrub the rust off my
surface.
make me new again,
open to me again.


though in the end it's all still preference (also the irony of the thread title makes me feel a little embarrassed)

besides this, the first stanza feels very weak to me. i get what you're trying to say, but these images feel very disconcerted and seemingly unrelated. perhaps try to use a single stronger, more tied-together image to glue your goal message to.

i'm fairly drunk atm. be aware that captain might not make a better writer
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Last edited by Dregen : Yesterday at 05:44 AM.
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Old Today, 06:09 PM   #3
Magnumopus7001
Karl Marx
 
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Location: Houston, texas
^ I didn't intend for every line to be capitalized. It is just my laziness when typing.
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