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Old 03-25-2011, 05:01 PM   #1
Rocks ur Life
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Bottle Your Emotions in an Empty Dos Equis- Work in Progress

A glint of sunshine in the distance
Of the tundra of my heart. Your shimmering
soul crosses the pathways of my brain
rearranging them to say, "You're Mine"

Your love is a ray of hope;
A sign of my home in this barren wasteland.
I Waited and I bled for you
But your heart just can't take it.

I call your name
And I see you in my dreams
But sometimes
I doubt you even feel the same.



I am writing a song for a Post-Hardcore (La Dispute style) demo i'm putting out. How are these lyrics? They are improved versions of a song I had but never posted.
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C4C
Bottle your Emotions in an Empty Dos Equis- new song
Bro[/]ken- yet another song
They Say Two are Better Than One...
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Old 03-28-2011, 12:02 PM   #2
DanyullS
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This seemed to me like something of a dream that everyone has eventually of something they want but can't have. The second stanza was my favorite, particularly the third line. I'd love to hear it when you finish it.
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Old 04-01-2011, 08:58 AM   #3
Rocks ur Life
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I decided to make this acoustic, and im attempting to record it soon. Thank you
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nimbus456
Once your ass is caloused, everything's fine.


C4C
Bottle your Emotions in an Empty Dos Equis- new song
Bro[/]ken- yet another song
They Say Two are Better Than One...

Last edited by Rocks ur Life : 04-01-2011 at 09:13 AM.
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Old 04-01-2011, 05:44 PM   #4
21wickwing
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Yeah I concur with the previous guy...this was a nice little piece. I enjoyed reading, re-reading, and re-re-reading it. Well done kind sir.

Edit: Although I think it is solid as it is, I would like to see how this is with maybe 3 or 4 verses added onto it...I would try to add onto it and then if they ruin it then take em off cause this is fine, but if its better then keep em. I do this all the time.

Last edited by 21wickwing : 04-01-2011 at 05:46 PM.
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Old 04-04-2011, 12:11 AM   #5
Rocks ur Life
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thanks guys. I am working on a little more for it, but i am not sure they fit as well as the rest do, but who knows, maybe they will work better than expected.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nimbus456
Once your ass is caloused, everything's fine.


C4C
Bottle your Emotions in an Empty Dos Equis- new song
Bro[/]ken- yet another song
They Say Two are Better Than One...
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Old 04-04-2011, 01:11 AM   #6
punkforlife93
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Your username looks really familiar...you in the PP&E or Hardcore forum much? That said, I love La Dispute, so props for that.

For the most part this would work as a song, so I could leave it at that...as a piece of poetry, the flow is eh. But songs can make almost anything work, so I can't criticize that too harshly. In the first bit, "of the tundra of my heart" sounds awkward, need to work that out perhaps...but besides that? Solid as a song, dude.
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Old 04-06-2011, 05:44 PM   #7
Rocks ur Life
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haha tahnks man
and yeah i tend to spend all of my time around PP&E and Hardcore, but i lurk hardcore more than i post there.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nimbus456
Once your ass is caloused, everything's fine.


C4C
Bottle your Emotions in an Empty Dos Equis- new song
Bro[/]ken- yet another song
They Say Two are Better Than One...
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