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Old 04-03-2011, 11:28 PM   #1
metalfan#3
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Cold Showers - Poem

Right, had to write a poem about growing up for English and I had fun with it. Hope you enjoy. I'd much rather read it out loud, as well .

Cold Showers

Sometimes when you're a kid you cry and you don't know how come.
Sometimes you feel crushed under pressure, under derision and under the age.
But most of the time you're happy.
Or...I'm happy.
And so we grow; spiritually, emotionally, upwards.
Jack Kerouac and Neal Casady were young once.
Were they crushed by parents, teachers and society?
Did they have troubles, worries, stress and pleasure?
Does the intelligensia live our lives?
Can we live theirs?
Did the Gods grow just like is, did they have crushes, broken hearts, guitar strings and stress over pubic hair?
Did they ever grow old?
Did we ever grow old?
We may have aged, but we haven't grown.
I don't like the number I was assigned.
World, I demand justice.
Is it the enemy that causes us harm, or is it ourselves?
Is it the enemy that gives us grey hairs, or is it the lack of one?
I sat in a café with my enemy, discussing Libya, rainforests and the Pope.
World, when will we have enough oil?
World, when will their oil be our oil?
World, when will my heart have enough oil?
When will my heart be a diesel engine, a roaring flame.
World when will the world be happy?
When will we be happy?
World when will those Russians be friendly.
World, Ginsberg said 'those Russians those Russians and those Chinamen'.
World, World, WORLD, globe, earth, franchise
When will we have that common enemy?
When can I hate who you hate, instead of hating you?
When can you hate them, instead of hating me.
Of hating us ?
When can we live in a world full of hate. Full of religious extremists, genocide and abortion?
When will my hate be your hate?
Mother always told me never to say 'hate'.
(although I didn't always listen to what she said)
World I think I'm coming to terms with it.




You don't need to break this down to critique it for me, I'd be happy if you just tell me what you thought .
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Last edited by metalfan#3 : 04-04-2011 at 10:17 PM.
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Old 04-03-2011, 11:55 PM   #2
Martyr's Prayer
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I liked this. You've got to change one line though, the line with cheeseburgers, microchips and carpool lanes. It's just too cliche. Change them to other things that represent the same idea. I demand it. Just kidding, but seriously that would be my alteration. I like how that whole ending section led up to the last line. I'd say as a general feel, this piece touches on how it is to grow up pretty well. I thought it was good.
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Old 04-04-2011, 12:25 PM   #3
21wickwing
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I like it alot, especially the repetition that comes into play here...you use it nicely. It is a rather powerful piece and it speaks alot of truth. I like how you assume that people naturally need enemies and so in order for their to be peace between two countries...there needs to be a common enemy. very nicely done.

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