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Old 04-11-2011, 09:14 PM   #1
dmiwshicldply
Id love to be a hippie
 
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Location: sittin at a bar drinking coors lite, suckin on a fat blunt, packed thick, rolled tight. talking to the fine ass girl thats sitting right next to me
a trip to the show

The satisfaction of summer withstands as the last remnants of the morning dew succumb to the sweltering heat of louisiana in early may.
Flower children saunter past tuggin at dread locks and licking resin off of wind chapped lips and calloused fingertips that have carressed the cruel leather of a steering wheel for far too long.
Three cars down an old man is peddling his wares, as we draw closer his incomprehensible murmers reveal themselves to be adverstisements uttered in the tongue of the day.
"Molly!" He calls. "Doses!" Tumbles out of his moustouched lips next.
Up ahead a mass of stone and mortar looms, looked upon with all the reverence of a temple to the gods. One long ethereal note graces our ears as we enter.
We bask in the electric lights that cascade the otherworldly masquerade in hues of greens and blues
pupils widening as slowly reality creeps from reach.





I don't have a computer right now so I typed this out on my phone, tried proof reading as best I could but im sure there are mistakes that I've missed. Just gonna apologize before hand.
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A Trip To The Show

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Last edited by dmiwshicldply : 04-12-2011 at 04:53 PM.
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Old 04-13-2011, 04:15 AM   #2
Toadvine
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Well I like this, it has a genuine feel of a summer music fest.

I would suggest you re-format this into something a bit more aesthetically pleasing to the reader. You wouldn't have to rewrite anything, well except for 'murmers' which I believe should be 'murmurs.' Well done anyway.
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Old 04-13-2011, 12:30 PM   #3
dmiwshicldply
Id love to be a hippie
 
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: sittin at a bar drinking coors lite, suckin on a fat blunt, packed thick, rolled tight. talking to the fine ass girl thats sitting right next to me
Im glad you caught the summer festival description that was the main thing I was going for. And yes the format is a little screwey right now its hard to write it out well on this phone.

Thanks for the words. Any specific piece you'd like me to look at?


EDIT: Btw major props on being into lucero. Great great band
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Old 04-13-2011, 09:54 PM   #4
Kerdmann5
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Thanks for the critique on my song.
So as promised.

I'm not sure but i'm not getting a song vibe out of this, so i feel as if it's poetry.

The imagery is awesome, as well as the assonance which gives a great flow and timing in the words, it has a very odd meter, but it works. I think you did a great job with this piece of work, and I agree with Toadvine, the only complaint really is the layout, and there's not much you can do about that without a computer at the moment. Keep up the great work dmi, in the future if you ever need something critiqued, let me know. I always enjoy reading and analyzing other artists work
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Old 04-15-2011, 01:44 PM   #5
dmiwshicldply
Id love to be a hippie
 
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Location: sittin at a bar drinking coors lite, suckin on a fat blunt, packed thick, rolled tight. talking to the fine ass girl thats sitting right next to me
Thanks bud,

And your correct no song here
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