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Old 06-17-2011, 10:05 PM   #1
guitar_jew
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Saturn 9 -Prog-ish PHxC (GP5/4)

EDIT: V2 is the updated version, with the vocal fixed to an oboe, the melody slightly altered in 'the next part,' although it still needs some revision, and the bass in the verse made to deviate more from the guitar part- credit to my buddy for the fixes there, we were practicing the song after I showed it to him, and he asked to toy around with the bass part. What you hear is his work, then copied and pasted throughout. GP4 is available on request, but I didn't think it'd be necessary with only 20 people having checked out the gp4.

As I said above, I posted this here as a work in progress earlier, and it still is somewhat; I'm not entirely satisfied with the vocal in 'the next part of the song' or its repeat, and I'm still writing and touching up lyric ideas. Other than that, though, the instruments are all in place, and I'm done editing those.

This is to be the title track and closer to a PHxC album I'm writing (I'd say the whole project is about 3/8 of the way done, so don't expect it any time soon) to hopefully get a band started. So far, this is my favorite of all the pieces I've written for the thing, the one I'm most proud of, so it only fits that it would be the title track.

The 'prog-ish' referred to in the title is really only the choruses, with the tapping melody inspired by similarly tapped lines in recent prog metal and djent.

On one last side note, the ambient outro was written as a response to my insomnia. 4 in the morning, I get out of bed, pick up the guitar, check the tuning, and play the main idea of the thing. I added the melody on top a couple days later, and couldn't find a place for the 'completed' piece. I think it fits very nicely here, even though it's in a different key from the rest of the song.

Enough wall of text! C4C, just ask and preferably drop a link. Thanks for listening!

EDIT: 9/13/2011 Well, since the thread got bumped, I figured I'd put up the most recent and final incarnation of this. The changes consist almost solely of fixing the vocal in 'the next part' and adding lyrics.
Attached Files
File Type: gp5 Saturn 9_v2.gp5 (95.6 KB, 127 views)
File Type: gp5 Saturn 9_FINAL.gp5 (96.7 KB, 186 views)

Last edited by guitar_jew : 09-13-2011 at 05:42 PM.
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Old 06-18-2011, 11:42 AM   #2
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The beginning lead-in riff was very nice, distorted picking riffs always hit home in my book when done correctly. The drums seem to be very busy, especially in the choruses. The speed down at 83, including the following section sounds very "scary", for lack of a better term. However, I feel that many ideas are rehashed in the song. Such as the "7-4-4-7-4-4-7", and it's other notational(?) counterparts. Not necessarily a bad thing, as they aren't always the lead and are sometimes rhythm. Overall, not bad at all. I imagine PHxC stands for Post-Hardcore, correct me if I'm wrong. This sounds like a melodic metalcore.

Also, I uploaded the tab for Pioneer in gp5 form, but the sound quality isn't as good as the soundcloud.
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Old 06-18-2011, 05:17 PM   #3
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-I like the chord fade-in, it sets a nice tone
--In the first riff i can really see it pack a punch with the vocals, very nice!
The chorus is good, however with such an intricate lead line it seems to me it would really take away from the vocals... but it isnt mixed so its still good, however not super catchy but vocals can make it catchy.
-I like the next verse part, i can see some really nice screams shining here.
-Chorus same as above
-Next verse is just a rehashed mix of 1st and 2nd verse so same as above verses.
-The break is very good! I love the mood it sets. I feel like im in the middle ages kinda. Easily my favorite part of the song.

Overall very good. My only problem is the chorus, i like them catchy. still its up to the band as how they want the chorus to sound.

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Old 06-18-2011, 11:27 PM   #4
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Lol @ Punny song title.

Intro is good, and works well. The following riff is good, and the vocal melody fits it well and is interesting. The use of chromatics in the vocal melody is great.

17 is great, and is a good theme. Chorus 1 is great, and fits perfect. LOL @ This is the next part of the song. There were some parts here that seemed too bright to fit the rest of the song, although obviously a song's mood can change. :p

Not much more of repute until the guitar/drum break, although all the material was good. Bars 83 and onward were a good break from the song, and a good wind down. I suppose this would lead into another song on the album? It would work great as such.

Good song. :p

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Old 06-19-2011, 12:01 AM   #5
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Quote:
LOL @ This is the next part of the song


What can I say? I didn't want to call it a verse, since it was a different riff from the first verse riff.

Quote:
I suppose this would lead into another song on the album? It would work great as such.



Actually, it's intended to end the album. Does it suggest another song that strongly?
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Old 06-19-2011, 07:03 AM   #6
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the ending is sooo cool
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Old 06-25-2011, 03:45 PM   #7
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Sorry it took me a while to get around to giving crit back on this, thanks for giving some back on mine.

Overall it was damn enjoyable. The Intro (and revisted later on) is amazing as hell...wish I came up with that one ;p. The clean outro section starting at 83 gives off a real nice ambient atmospheric dimension to the track that was really enjoyable. I Do have to say that I had to turn the Vox track off about halfway in lol...the Midi Violin sound is grating on the ears to me.

Can't really find much to fault with it man, definitely recordable worthy and something I would love to hear in the future. Keep it up.
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Old 06-26-2011, 10:47 PM   #8
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The intro was very well done as every once else said, it's a great way to build up to the first verse, which hit me as very Oceana like, from the Birth Eater album anyway.

My opinion on the chorus is a little mixed, I don't feel like it hit like a chorus should, but I also don't listen to much post hardcore, so that might work out for what you're doing with it.

I really love the atmosphere of bar 9 and 10,that little section would sound good with some screams, in my opinion.

The clean guitar break is creepy as ****, so kudos on that. The atmosphere of the song shifts in a few directions, vocals will help distinguish the feel of those parts.

Overall, it's a good ending to an album, very dark ending, leaves me wondering, but I suppose that if I listened to the album in full, It would resolve nicely.
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Old 06-29-2011, 06:04 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by Life Is Brutal
Lol @ Punny song title.


I dun get it .

I like the fade in into, though for some reason I can better imagine it as a 7/8 riff without the extra 11 at the end.

Anyway, the verse is pretty cool, but I don't see how the vocals will work. As someone else already mentioned, the whole 7-4 idea is pretty generic, among other ideas in the song, but it works pretty well. The chorus is pretty neat, with the remixed intro riff and all, though I don't get the clean rhythm guitar. The "next part of the song" has some nice chord progression. 83 is a pretty nice ending, but I don't feel like it progresses enough. The second guitar is added but then nothing really changes after that.

Anyway, it's a bit generic at some parts, but there are some nice ideas going through the majority of the song. It works well and sounds like something I would actually listen to in my down time.
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Old 06-29-2011, 06:25 PM   #10
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http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/saturnine

That should clear up your confusion, champayne. I've only ever heard it used for definitions 4 and 5, personally, which are the definitions I was referring to with the title. And thanks for the crit. The ending wasn't meant to progress much- it's really intended to be an ambient, space-out kind of thing, but I appreciate the critique all the same.

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Old 06-29-2011, 06:59 PM   #11
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I guess that makes sense.
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Old 07-05-2011, 08:14 AM   #12
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First of all, I'm not really into this kind of music. I try to be as objective as I can though.

The intro and outro sound really good, actually all the parts with clean sound were good and enjoyable. I also liked that you added the vocal melodies to your song.

The distorted parts were mostly ok, bit too simple and nothing special (at least to me). I muted the vocals and then the song sounded quite boring.

I'm not maybe the right man to review your song, but these are just some things that I noticed. Maybe adding some lead guitar parts and some catchy melodies would work, dunno. It wasn't bad though, maybe MIDI didn't do enough justice for your song. With real instruments it would sound better.

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Old 07-07-2011, 02:10 AM   #13
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For something completely beside the point: I personally would suggest using one of the pipes, or at least something that has a softer attack than the Violin in MIDI for vocals - my usual choice is Flute. For general MIDI consumption, the song wasn't mixed to its full potential either - even just looking at the volumes. Drums felt too loud with the hi hats in the outro, and it's difficult to make out the vocal melody in the chorus with the tapping guitar fighting against it. However, like I say, this is me nitpicking how you delivered your song, not the actual content.

I like the simple chord progression you have going in the verse - IRL I can imagine that sounding rather cool with the vocals. That is probably my favourite part.
The chorus is decent, although lacks a distinctive melody that the verses provide, and so doesn't quite feel as much like a chorus - rather a bridge or something.

There is a rather distinctive note that sounds off in the vocals on bar 39, and it doesn't sound like it was intentional, or at least goes for too long. Likewise for 41 as well.

A question for you - do you have lyrics in mind with these vocals, or are you just shaping out melodies? If I could be as presumptuous as to guess, I would say the latter* - the big reason being that it reminds me of my early songs, where the rhythm of my vocals felt a tad unnatural and machine like, and often the notes wouldn't flow into each other as much as they should. This isn't the case all the way through, don't get me wrong - the verses feel fine, for instance. But the rest leaves a bit to be desired, imo. I see that you noted yourself that you weren't sure about the vocals in the next part of the song - a section I would definitely recommend a look over.

Besides those issues I've said, take everything else to be fine - a very decent effort. Of particular note, despite the outro being rather different from the song, I like it as a closer. I just find it easier to complain than praise - apologies.

*Sorry in advance if I'm wrong, that's just the vibe I get from them.

If you could just give a few thoughts on my latest song I posted in the forums, that would be wonderful.
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Old 07-07-2011, 02:31 AM   #14
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I guess with Quibokk's crit, it'd be fair to post the slightly updated version of this. Not much is changed; the vocal is now an oboe, because, the violin is grating, and the rest of the pieces I'm writing for this album use an oboe anyway. Also, some slight changes to the vocal melody in 'the next part.' Still not completely satisfied. The only other change is that the bass in the verse has been improved by my friend (a guitarist, but I showed him the piece while forcing him to learn it, and he asked to toy around with the bass, and I liked it, so... yeah.) who is rehearsing the piece with me.

Quibokk, got a few things to respond to.

Quote:
There is a rather distinctive note that sounds off in the vocals on bar 39, and it doesn't sound like it was intentional, or at least goes for too long. Likewise for 41 as well.


Both were intentional; I wanted to create some tension. The first one doesn't work nearly as well as the second one, though. That'll probably get changed.

Quote:
A question for you - do you have lyrics in mind with these vocals, or are you just shaping out melodies? If I could be as presumptuous as to guess, I would say the latter*


The verse and chorus have lyrics, but the verse lyrics need major revision. Only one stanza I have for them right now is set in stone. For 'the next part' I want to get a better vocal melody down before writing lyrics to it.

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Old 07-10-2011, 11:15 AM   #15
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Insomnia was probably my favorite part; it was trippy. =)

Actually, most of the piece was. My only suggestion is that for the chorus, try having the bass play arpeggios, to greater a fuller feel. I don't like most of the stuff on here, but I liked this.

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Old 07-12-2011, 02:31 PM   #16
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Hmm, I like this. I dont listen to PHC that much, but still. The intro was really cool, kinda set the mood for the song. Guess there really isn't much to say; I liked the vocal melodies, and the clean bits really stood out to me. The outro was just awesome, I loved it. Seems like it'd be a great transition to another song, maybe something a little heavier than this one?

I approve Lol, and thanks for the crit, by the way.
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Old 09-13-2011, 05:18 PM   #17
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Word, decided to check this out after I listened to your "Our Love Is God, Let's go Get a Slushie"

Anyhow, really like the intro; that is actually similar to the tapping line I use throughout that piece of mine you critiqued, except mine's on three strings in 3/4. Thanks for the idea of pulling off to a chord though - that was really the only riff I'd come up with using that particular tapping idea, but seeing you use it like that should help me figure out how to use it in different ways.

As the rest of the song kicks in, I can tell that it was written by you, which is good; shows that you have a distinct style. The first idea after the intro's harmony reminds me of the harmony for the first part of Opeth's "The Drapery Falls", and I get those vibes periodically throughout the beginning of the song. I am also reminded of playing SNES Zelda for some reason, which is also a good thing.

The chorus is very good, another cool tapping line here. I especially like the vocals you write; the melodies, harmonies, and rhythms of your vocal lines are great, although I was a little disappointed you didn't have the lyrics on this one 'cause the lyrics for your other song were awesome.

The next part of the song is sick, especially the first bar's riffs. Also like those brief moments in the vocal melody where you create tension using the vocals.

As for the outro, it's good and the transition in is smooth. Reminds me of the outro to Converge's "Jane Doe" a little bit, it's probably the harmonies. The melody that comes in over the top are a nice touch too. This part is going to sound really cool with actual instruments and stuff.

Anyways, nice work overall. C4C?

http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...d.php?t=1479097

Brand new, I started writing this a few days ago and finished it yesterday. It's the first song of a concept album I've planned out. It's similar to that last one you heard, except it's a lot less repetitive and more interesting in a rhythmic and harmonic sense.
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Old 09-13-2011, 05:45 PM   #18
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Wow. I didn't expect this to get bumped, lol. But since it has, I edited the OP with the completely, 100% finished version, lyrics included.

Anyway, I won't be posting anything new for a while; I want to keep the other seven or eight songs under wraps until I can record all of them properly. And thanks for the crit, I'll get on the C4C when I get back from my government class.
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Old 09-13-2011, 10:15 PM   #19
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It was definitely enjoyable. Felt like the ambient outro needed a little bit more added to it after a while.

Parts of it reminded me of Thrice. I think it was how the 7-3-3 became 7-2-2. Got that same kind of accidental feel that I've heard in their songs.
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