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Old 07-23-2011, 04:10 AM   #1
Amuro Jay
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Russian Creepypasta

"Father, I had a bad dream"

You take a sip of vodka and roll over. You stare at the clocktower on Sobornaya Square it's 3:23. "Go back to sleep, there is work tomorrow."
"No, Father."
The familiar warm buzz of vodka starts to sink in. You can barely make out your daughter's pale form in the darkness. "Why is that, devochka moya?"
"Because in my dream, when I was about to go back to sleep, the thing wearing Mother's skin sat up."
You pause, and face your daughter and look at her intensely. The figure behind you begins to stir.

"Don't talk that way about your brother, it is not his fault we have no money for coats."

Such is life in Moscow.


Anybody else find these funny? They're downright hilarious when you've read the creepypasta they're based on.
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Old 07-23-2011, 04:12 AM   #2
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Old 07-23-2011, 04:12 AM   #3
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You are diligent worker at Soviet Administration office working at night. The Soviet Copy Machine begins working like good Soviet worker. You go to Soviet Copy Machine and see many Soviet copies in the Soviet tray. It is picture of you dead in chair. The other pictures are also of you dead but taken from more Soviet angles.

There is no original picture in the copy machine. In fact, the machine has been out of toner for a week. SOVIET COPY MACHINES WORK OVERTIME FOR GOOD OF CAUSE.
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Old 07-23-2011, 04:12 AM   #4
Amuro Jay
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Babysitter home with young boy and young girl. She get call parents, who are working night shift in factory asking if everything is fine. She tells them da, but the large statue of Lenin in daughter's room is unsettling.

Later, she is arrested by KGB for calling great father of motherland "unsettling". She is sent to count trees in Siberia.

Such is life in Moscow.
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Old 07-23-2011, 04:14 AM   #5
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Once I hear story about girl in Chaplygin. She was asleep in her bed, when she feel lick on her hand. She thinks it is dog and goes to sleep. Next morning, she finds note on dresser with dead head of dog. It says "Comrades can lick too." She screams.

Father comes upstairs, takes belt off and beats her. Moral of story is daughters should not yell in house like peasant. House is not Siberian pigsty. I worry daughter will never find good Russian husband.
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Old 07-23-2011, 04:15 AM   #6
Amuro Jay
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Boris and I vere having nice discussion over latest news in Crimea when suddenly his phone ring. He pick up phone, give to me, say, it Natasha's dad. I pour us vodka and tell him Natasha's dad died heart attack when he heard Natasha prostitue in Leningrad. Boris pour me some Vodka. She had no choice, he tell me; things not the same since fall of Berlin wall. I agree. We drink. Such is life in Moscow.
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Old 07-23-2011, 04:16 AM   #7
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cheers comrades, i thoroughly enjoyed myself. Such is life.
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Last edited by Harvey Swick : 07-23-2011 at 04:20 AM.
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Old 07-23-2011, 04:18 AM   #8
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Walking home one night, you notice all the candles in personal shack are lit.
You finish vodka bottle as you approach your door.
House is empty, and you made sure not to feed guard dog, but candles still go out.
You check your pocket watch, small hand on 4, big hand on 1. You relise you'll be late for unpaid community service.
At service, you find letter on floor. It's signed to you, from you. You open the letter, confused.
Inside reads "the out for watch watch"
You look at pocket watch. big hand on 4, little hand on one. You look at note again, it appears the 4th and 1st words have swapped places.
"Watch out for the watch."
You look at pocket watch again.

You realise watch is broken, and decide you must get it fixed. You also decide to cut back on vodka, so as to not send letters to yourself anymore.
Such is life in mother Russia.
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Old 07-23-2011, 04:20 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jetfuel495
Babysitter home with young boy and young girl. She get call parents, who are working night shift in factory asking if everything is fine. She tells them da, but the large statue of Lenin in daughter's room is unsettling.

Later, she is arrested by KGB for calling great father of motherland "unsettling". She is sent to count trees in Siberia.

Such is life in Moscow.


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The plan was to drink until the pain over.
But what's worse, the pain or the hangover?
Who am I? I'm a titan so be expectin' a clash.
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Old 07-23-2011, 04:22 AM   #10
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Every time Russian exhales, little bit of Vodka escapes. Smart Russian always inhales Vodka back before anyone else gets to Vodka. Almost.

Ever fog up mirror with breath? Don't do that. Reflection is gypsy and will try to steal Vodka. Hit his head with pipe and collect tears.
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Old 07-23-2011, 04:24 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blake1221
There is no original picture in the copy machine. In fact, the machine has been out of toner for a week. SOVIET COPY MACHINES WORK OVERTIME FOR GOOD OF CAUSE.



I have no idea why these are so funny.
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Quote:
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My God, this must be the smartest/greatest guy ever.

Last edited by -xCaMRocKx- : 07-23-2011 at 04:25 AM.
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Old 07-23-2011, 04:25 AM   #12
Amuro Jay
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Try this. Turn off music. Turn off TV. If you are greedy capitalist and have machine, turn off computer. Go to next room, and sit, do not dance, do not drink, be as quiet as Jew during pogrom. Does Comrade Russian hear sound? Itsy bitsy ringing? Glorious People say it is brain making up a sound to explain reason why Russian is not drinking or dancing.

People lied.

Silly Americans can not tell you what making sound, Smart Russians can because are not silly bourgeoise with book and film.

It is wail of gypsy. If gypsy is planning to steal item in house, evil gypsy wail alerts holy Russian Orthodox Church. Find gypsy, hit gypsy with hand, then drink Vodka until sound go away. Then hit gypsy child until child is no longer gypsy.

Such is life for gypsy in Russia.

And no amount of running will save you.
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Old 07-23-2011, 04:25 AM   #13
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I check into small hotel a few kilometers from Kiev. It is late. I am tired. I tell woman at desk I want a room. She tells me room number and give key. "But one more thing comrade; there is one room without number and always lock. Don't even peek in there." I take key and go to room to sleep.

Night comes and I hear trickling of water. It comes from the room across. I cannot sleep so I open door. It is coming from room with no number. I pound on door. No response. I look in keyhole. I see nothing except red.

Water still trickling. I go down to front desk to complain. "By the way who is in that room?" She look at me and begin to tell story.

There was woman in there. Murdered by her husband. Skin all white, except her eyes, which were red.

I tell her I don't give a shit. Stop the water trickling or give me refund. She gave me 100 ruble credit and free breakfast.
Such is life in Moscow
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Old 07-23-2011, 04:28 AM   #14
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Dylan, I believe at this point, you've listened to all the music. Congratulations, you win one Chuck E Cheese token and a balloon.

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Old 07-23-2011, 04:30 AM   #15
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I love how the english gets worse with every successive post.

Lolling hard.

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Old 07-23-2011, 04:30 AM   #16
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Reading these in a Russian accent makes it so much better
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Old 07-23-2011, 04:31 AM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SeveralSpecies
Reading these in a Russian accent makes it so much better

There's really no other way to do it.
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TURN OFF YOUR MIND RELAX AND FLOAT DOWNSTREAM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Scumbag1792
My God, this must be the smartest/greatest guy ever.
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Old 07-23-2011, 04:32 AM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by -xCaMRocKx-
There's really no other way to do it.



True. I realized I was reading it with an accent without even knowing it
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Old 07-23-2011, 04:32 AM   #19
Amuro Jay
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Blake, keep this going, I have to go study
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Old 07-23-2011, 04:38 AM   #20
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In small Ukrainian village, mother works hard to get work permit for daughter to work in Russia. Mother works hard every day. One day mother work so hard she faint, but continued working when recovered. Mother keeps fainting and gets sicker, but keeps working like true comrade. On deathbed, mother gives daughter locket. She tells daughter to only open it when she believes she can't continue with life.

Mother dies. Daughter gets work permit for Russia and works in screw factory. Years pass and one of daughter's comrades in factory asks about locket. Daughter tells him. Comrade asks her to open it. Years have passed and daughter is productive worker. Daughter finally opens it. In it was piece of paper that says:

Only through hard work can the workers over throw the Capitalist fascists that threaten glorious Mother Land.
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