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Old 07-23-2011, 04:39 AM   #21
SG_dave
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In Russia, coffin has pipe for air, and bell with string. If man is true Soviet, he does not die. When buried, yells for undertaker and rings bell.
Bell rings. Is no wind.
Undertaker asks - "Are you lady Gorbochev?"
Voice says "Yes!"
"Born winter of 1927?"
"Yes!"
"Gravestone says 'Died 20 February, 1957"
"Niet, am still living!"
"Am sorry, but is August. In June, ground will thaw. You must wait for June."

And woman is true Soviet, waits for June.
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Old 07-23-2011, 04:41 AM   #22
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This is a special one.

Somewhere in West Vladivostok, you will find a frozen pond with a pair of ice skates lying in the middle. Put them on and begin skating. After a while, a small group of Capitalists will approach you and challenge you to a revolution, which you must begin.

After the revolution, you must go home and relay the events to Comrade Lenin. He will then inform you that you have an aunt and uncle living in one of the districts of Moscow, and out of loyalty to his motherland, he will send you to live there for an indefinite period of time.

With no personal possessions because ownership is the capitalist's way, go to the station and await a train. The train that will pull up will bear the word FREEDOM on the side, and upon closer inspection, a bust of Stalin will hang in the window. Although you will suddenly realize that cabs like these are extremely decadent and capitalistic in nature, do not bear any thought to it. At this point you MUST salute the comrade in the front of the train and say ‘Yo comrade, to Moscow’. You will stop in front of a mansion, and there will be somewhere between 7 and 8 other families living there, even though it will be a privilege to share your home with fellow comrades. Get off of the train and say ‘Yo comrade, smell ya later!’, but do NOT turn back to face the conductor. Walk up to the door, salute your motherland once, and then knock on the door three times.

If you follow these instructions, your imperialism will get flip-revolted upside down
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Old 07-23-2011, 04:45 AM   #23
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Originally Posted by blake1221
I check into small hotel a few kilometers from Kiev. It is late. I am tired. I tell woman at desk I want a room. She tells me room number and give key. "But one more thing comrade; there is one room without number and always lock. Don't even peek in there." I take key and go to room to sleep.

Night comes and I hear trickling of water. It comes from the room across. I cannot sleep so I open door. It is coming from room with no number. I pound on door. No response. I look in keyhole. I see nothing except red.

Water still trickling. I go down to front desk to complain. "By the way who is in that room?" She look at me and begin to tell story.

There was woman in there. Murdered by her husband. Skin all white, except her eyes, which were red.

I tell her I don't give a shit. Stop the water trickling or give me refund. She gave me 100 ruble credit and free breakfast.
Such is life in Moscow




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Old 07-23-2011, 04:46 AM   #24
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One night, comrade Yuri Volkov finds a picture. It shows capitalist dog with smile on face. "What is it so happy about," thinks Yuri. It deserves to be shot for insolence toward the motherland.

But Yuri soon becomes sick. His wife is worried, and doctor says is not a virus, but happy capitalist dog did this. When Yuri shows his wife picture of insolent dog, she faints and Yuri feeling better.

Yuri goes to show picture to his friends, but they report brother Yuri to KGB. He is shot for spreading capitalist dog propaganda.

Motherland does not tolerate such behavior.
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Old 07-23-2011, 04:49 AM   #25
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For weeks in Moscow I stay in terrible apartment with thin walls. Noise is coming from other places all hours of day and night. One day I find whole in my wall. Landlady will not fix. I offer vodka and she say she try. Later I find man in apartment. He is KGB here to arrest landlady for treason. I poor him vodka and we drink to the death of capitalists in Siberia. Life is good in Russia.
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Old 07-23-2011, 04:50 AM   #26
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Bed time.
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Old 07-23-2011, 04:53 AM   #27
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Ever since young days, I have hideous growths on hands. I ask parents to bring me to doctor for removal, but no will fix for under 600 rubles, and going price known to be only 500. I drink much vodka, and prepare to remove growths myself. Using potato peeler, soon all are gone. I not even yell, like many a capitalist pig. Once growths are removed, they glow greenly in garbage. Parents know now that Chernobyl is not good vacation site. Such is life in Russia.
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Old 07-23-2011, 05:08 AM   #28
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is this really THAT funny?

may be it's just me being from a post soviet country and having all this shit happened to my ancestors but still i only smile a bit on the funny ones :P:
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Old 07-24-2011, 01:31 AM   #29
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Toys are made by loyal factory for amusement of the children of the motherland.
Toys are of baby, and have realistic crying function.
Soon, it becomes difficult to distinguish baby and toy.
Both are burned for warmth.
Such is life in mother Russia


The hotel room one is also hilarious.
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Old 07-24-2011, 01:39 AM   #30
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blake1221
This is a special one.

Somewhere in West Vladivostok, you will find a frozen pond with a pair of ice skates lying in the middle. Put them on and begin skating. After a while, a small group of Capitalists will approach you and challenge you to a revolution, which you must begin.

After the revolution, you must go home and relay the events to Comrade Lenin. He will then inform you that you have an aunt and uncle living in one of the districts of Moscow, and out of loyalty to his motherland, he will send you to live there for an indefinite period of time.

With no personal possessions because ownership is the capitalist's way, go to the station and await a train. The train that will pull up will bear the word FREEDOM on the side, and upon closer inspection, a bust of Stalin will hang in the window. Although you will suddenly realize that cabs like these are extremely decadent and capitalistic in nature, do not bear any thought to it. At this point you MUST salute the comrade in the front of the train and say ‘Yo comrade, to Moscow’. You will stop in front of a mansion, and there will be somewhere between 7 and 8 other families living there, even though it will be a privilege to share your home with fellow comrades. Get off of the train and say ‘Yo comrade, smell ya later!’, but do NOT turn back to face the conductor. Walk up to the door, salute your motherland once, and then knock on the door three times.

If you follow these instructions, your imperialism will get flip-revolted upside down






Mother Russia salutes you comrade
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Old 07-24-2011, 01:42 AM   #31
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This is probably the best thread ever.
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Old 07-24-2011, 01:52 AM   #32
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This is probably the best thread ever.

+1
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Old 07-24-2011, 01:54 AM   #33
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This is the most amazing. I don't even.
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Old 07-24-2011, 01:56 AM   #34
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Originally Posted by SG_dave
Ever since young days, I have hideous growths on hands. I ask parents to bring me to doctor for removal, but no will fix for under 600 rubles, and going price known to be only 500. I drink much vodka, and prepare to remove growths myself. Using potato peeler, soon all are gone. I not even yell, like many a capitalist pig. Once growths are removed, they glow greenly in garbage. Parents know now that Chernobyl is not good vacation site. Such is life in Russia.


This thread is too much win. The spam threads last night were awesome
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Old 07-24-2011, 01:59 AM   #35
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In Mother Russia, Money is short, supplies tight, everyone always hungry. One day girl see blind man in crowd. He tell her deliver note to hovel on trail heading East. Although this was far out of her way she agreed as to promote the productive of the Motherland. But when she turn to make three mile hike up mountain trail to deliver letter, she see man take off broken sunglasses and throw stick to ground and push his way through crowd. She tells closest soldier about man's disguise.

He was execute on suspicion of being capatalist dog spy.

Note is burned for warmth.

Such is life in Mother Russia
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Old 07-24-2011, 02:04 AM   #36
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Great thread
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Old 07-24-2011, 02:05 AM   #37
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Location: Well you know, I was there, and the guy came in and he had, like, a gun, you know, and he was like... shooting. And everybody else was totally dead.
Oh my god, this thread
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Old 07-24-2011, 02:07 AM   #38
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One night man is riding mule down dirt road. Young woman stands on side of road, calls out for ride home. Is very cold in Soviet winter. Man takes off coat and puts it on back of mule. Girl is also cold. Man gives her sack of turnip for to wear. Girl is much thankful for ride home.

Next morning man realize it is day for buying turnip at market, and girl still has sack. He goes to her house. No girl is there, only father. He says daughter died in salt mines ten years ago night before. Man returns to mule, turnip sack is on back of mule.

SOVIET HONESTY IS STRONG! EVEN DEATH NOT STOP REPAYMENT OF DEBTS!
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Old 07-24-2011, 02:09 AM   #39
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Legend has it that Walt Disney made secret cartoon that never aired. It depicted a mouse which owned a steamboat business independent of the state.



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Old 07-24-2011, 02:11 AM   #40
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not bad genghis
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