Go Back   UG Community @ Ultimate-Guitar.Com > Music > Songwriting & Lyrics
User Name  
Password
Search:

Reply
Old 07-30-2011, 03:31 PM   #1
ZanasCross
C(k)=Epsilon(ijk)A(i)B(j)
 
ZanasCross's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Asymmetric Tensored Hilbert Space
The Mill Stone




She lives in a land with no corners;
riding the cog, turning the stone.
Fourteen shades of monochrome
and a dash of magenta
to seal her mind at ease.
Each day, she sits upon the gears
dangling a leg on each side of a tooth;
the red eyes watching. Peering over her shoulder.
Cackling underneath the black hoods behind her,
escaping shrouded lips and rotten teeth.
Her eyes do not sparkle.
And the gears keep on turning
until it is her time,
a hand upon each shoulder
while the cogs shatter bones.

She does not grimace,
since no one is home
and the Lord will not return her calls.
But still she rides the mill that grinds the faithful.

ZanasCross is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-30-2011, 05:41 PM   #2
blake1221
‭‭
 
blake1221's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Don't have anything to offer but praise. I've read it three times and only liking it more. "Her eyes" through the end was probably my favorite part, and I don't know if it was the intention, but it keeps a sadder tone after that. This was really good.
blake1221 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-30-2011, 11:27 PM   #3
Winter Sky
green is fine.
 
Winter Sky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
You don't seem to post here much, but I tend to enjoy it when you do. This was a great read.

Excellent word choice and vivid imagery. My favorite line was "Fourteen shades of monochrome and a dash of magenta". My one tiny nitpick is the word 'since' in "She does not grimace, since no one is home"; I've just never liked the word 'since' used in that sense.

If you've got a minute, would you mind giving me a quick word on my latest piece "Pretending To Be Deaf"? I'd appreciate it.
__________________
of rivers and oceans
Winter Sky is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-30-2011, 11:54 PM   #4
lmcd
Music transcends pain
 
lmcd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: The wilderness in Northern New Mexico
Fabulous! My favorite is also "fourteen shades of monochrome" Great job.
__________________
Did you know: animal agriculture contributes more to global warming than all modes of transportation combined? Go Veg - it is the right thing to do for the planet, for your health, and for the animals.

lmcd Soundcloud Tunes
lmcd is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-31-2011, 07:54 AM   #5
Nilchii
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
It's been a long time since I read one of your pieces, and I'm glad I read this. I'd forgotten why I like Your Thing so much. The monochrome/magenta thing was nice. I especially liked "Her eyes do not sparkle..." and "a hand upon each shoulder..."

peace
__________________
Nothing to see here. Move along.
Nilchii is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-01-2011, 10:04 AM   #6
ninja monkey
That's The Ticket!
 
ninja monkey's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
I like how cog kinda works in two different ways here. It makes the piece smooth like melted butter. I could be wrong but it makes sense to have some sort of oppressive sector/employer looking over the cog of the system and not caring about it's state because it's easily replaceable.

Her eyes do not sparkle.
And the gears keep on turning
until it is her time,

I would have loved to see this worked out a bit differently. "No longer sparkle" specifically. Until it is her time feels dull.

Other than that, I'm missing some sort of technical line about rotation. Regardless, how I read into it gave a tragic, somber, and yet smooth and pretty feeling.
__________________
Promises meant a lot back then.
ninja monkey is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-06-2011, 03:25 PM   #7
#1 synth
Weeow!
 
#1 synth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
i want to give this a bump, not being able to read it right now. but wanting to keep it up there where more eyes can see it.
__________________
Fan of Spoken Word and Pornography?
Then LIKE my Facebook Page!
https://www.facebook.com/DylanDDebelis
#1 synth is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 12:55 PM.

Forum Archives / About / Terms of Use / Advertise / Contact / Ultimate-Guitar.Com © 2014
Powered by: vBulletin Version 3.0.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.