07-30-2011, 03:31 PM
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#1 |
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C(k)=Epsilon(ijk)A(i)B(j)
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Asymmetric Tensored Hilbert Space
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The Mill Stone
She lives in a land with no corners; riding the cog, turning the stone. Fourteen shades of monochrome and a dash of magenta to seal her mind at ease. Each day, she sits upon the gears dangling a leg on each side of a tooth; the red eyes watching. Peering over her shoulder. Cackling underneath the black hoods behind her, escaping shrouded lips and rotten teeth. Her eyes do not sparkle. And the gears keep on turning until it is her time, a hand upon each shoulder while the cogs shatter bones. She does not grimace, since no one is home and the Lord will not return her calls. But still she rides the mill that grinds the faithful.
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07-30-2011, 05:41 PM
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#2 |
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Albuquerque, NM
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Don't have anything to offer but praise. I've read it three times and only liking it more. "Her eyes" through the end was probably my favorite part, and I don't know if it was the intention, but it keeps a sadder tone after that. This was really good.
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It's a very different winter now and I'm in a very different place, but I hope you're well.
Saintly Rows||Drifter |
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07-30-2011, 11:27 PM
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#3 |
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green is fine.
Join Date: Dec 2007
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You don't seem to post here much, but I tend to enjoy it when you do. This was a great read.
Excellent word choice and vivid imagery. My favorite line was "Fourteen shades of monochrome and a dash of magenta". My one tiny nitpick is the word 'since' in "She does not grimace, since no one is home"; I've just never liked the word 'since' used in that sense. If you've got a minute, would you mind giving me a quick word on my latest piece "Pretending To Be Deaf"? I'd appreciate it.
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07-30-2011, 11:54 PM
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#4 |
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Music transcends pain
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: The wilderness in Northern New Mexico
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Fabulous! My favorite is also "fourteen shades of monochrome" Great job.
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Did you know: animal agriculture contributes more to global warming than all modes of transportation combined? Go Veg - it is the right thing to do for the planet, for your health, and for the animals. lmcd Soundcloud Tunes |
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07-31-2011, 07:54 AM
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#5 |
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Registered User
Join Date: Feb 2009
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It's been a long time since I read one of your pieces, and I'm glad I read this. I'd forgotten why I like Your Thing so much. The monochrome/magenta thing was nice. I especially liked "Her eyes do not sparkle..." and "a hand upon each shoulder..."
peace
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Nothing to see here. Move along. |
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08-01-2011, 10:04 AM
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#6 |
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That's The Ticket!
Join Date: Mar 2007
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I like how cog kinda works in two different ways here. It makes the piece smooth like melted butter. I could be wrong but it makes sense to have some sort of oppressive sector/employer looking over the cog of the system and not caring about it's state because it's easily replaceable.
Her eyes do not sparkle. And the gears keep on turning until it is her time, I would have loved to see this worked out a bit differently. "No longer sparkle" specifically. Until it is her time feels dull. Other than that, I'm missing some sort of technical line about rotation. Regardless, how I read into it gave a tragic, somber, and yet smooth and pretty feeling.
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Promises mean a lot to me. |
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08-06-2011, 03:25 PM
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#7 |
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Weeow!
Join Date: Mar 2006
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i want to give this a bump, not being able to read it right now. but wanting to keep it up there where more eyes can see it.
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