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Old 09-21-2011, 05:21 PM   #1
merriman44
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Columbus, OH
Onward to the One

C4C!



Sprinting, falling, failing breath
As Pheidippides march
Tirelessly, tormented
Onward to the One

Laying out the plans
In crypts on mountain high
She designed the path
For my demise
Secretly she plotted,
Manipulating me
Into carnal beast
With Teeth of steel to lead

Now I taste her fear,
The sweetest of perfumes
Returning with lustís bluest flame
Temptress of fate!
Soon youíll fall
Into my embrace
And soon
So soon!
Your soul is mine

Ascend the slope
That steepest climb
My will bridging divide
I, to hold her hand
I, to watch her die

Goliath of earth unyielding
Sending arms of ardent light
With each moment drawing nearer
Feeding the furnace of my desire
This mountain
Her last bastion of hope
Like a child I hear her sob on high
But fear not my little one
Your knight is closing in

Not all can be saved
Iím coming for you my dearest
This longing drives me on
To have you
To hold
Iíd tear out my own heart
Just as Iíve come to feast on yours
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Old 09-21-2011, 05:32 PM   #2
Felkara
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Location: Merry Olde England
I love the epic feel to this, it's almost told like some great ancient Greek saga, only to end with a chilling twist (albeit one that's heavily foreshadowed).

I especially like this stanza:

Quote:
Ascend the slope
That steepest climb
My will bridging divide
I, to hold her hand
I, to watch her die


With that like diad at the end bringing out the essence of the piece. Excellent work, this, with my only real criticism being that sometimes, the implied complexity of your language took me away from what I thought you might have been trying to say, with a couple of references seeming a tad obscure. That was a personal thing though. Otherwise, keep up the good work.

And if you're doing the whole c4c thing, my meagre contribution to the songwriting forum is here.
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Old 09-21-2011, 05:43 PM   #3
merriman44
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Columbus, OH
Thanks for the thoughts. Its good that you caught the saga aspect of it as this is towards the tail end of the concept album I am writing. I really appreciate the kind words and the critique. I'll go crit yours now.
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Old 09-21-2011, 05:58 PM   #4
ApatheticMe
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Location: Oklahoma
urgh....i am not in the crit mood....but...you crited me...and well....dang it...

Quote:
Originally Posted by merriman44
C4C!



Sprinting, falling, failing breath
As Pheidippides march
Tirelessly, tormented
Onward to the One
I like this....alot.,...I love the hard word that no one knows.,...unless you are smartzzz.....I dont like the last word in the stanza....then agian i am sillywilliy,..

Laying out the plans
In crypts on mountain high
She designed the path
For my demise
Secretly she plotted,
Manipulating me
Into carnal beast
With Teeth of steel to lead
Was your last work this good?...i could have sworn it wasnt....i cant find a damn thing to crit....


Now I taste her fear,
The sweetest of perfumes
Returning with lustís bluest flame
Temptress of fate!
Soon youíll fall
Into my embrace
And soon
So soon!
Your soul is mine
the only thing i can find here....is....Using the word sweetest after you just alked about tasteing....if you deliver it like i know you will though it works....i am just beeing picky...

Ascend the slope
That steepest climb
My will bridging divide
I, to hold her hand
I, to watch her die
the third line in this....does not read pretty at all....should thier be a word after bridgeing before devide?...or is bridgeing being used as an adj.?


Goliath of earth unyielding
Sending arms of ardent light
With each moment drawing nearer
Feeding the furnace of my desire
This mountain
Her last bastion of hope
Like a child I hear her sob on high
But fear not my little one
Your knight is closing in

Not all can be saved
Iím coming for you my dearest
This longing drives me on
To have you
To hold
Iíd tear out my own heart
Just as Iíve come to feast on yours



ok the rest of it is good....not my style....but god dammit if you are going to crit my work please send me to something that sucks....this is good.....and i cant find anything to crit....looks like you did one hell of a job working it out before you posted it.....
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Old 09-21-2011, 06:51 PM   #5
Zoot Allures
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Quote:
Originally Posted by merriman44
C4C!



Sprinting, falling, failing breath
As Pheidippides march
Tirelessly, tormented
Onward to the One
This is good, i'd consider adding something like 'onwards' instead of 'onward' but that's about it.

Laying out the plans
In crypts on mountain high
She designed the path
For my demise
Secretly she plotted,
Manipulating me
Into carnal beast
With Teeth of steel to lead

I agree with the other poster, this is really well written.

Now I taste her fear,
The sweetest of perfumes
Returning with lustís bluest flame
Temptress of fate!
Soon youíll fall
Into my embrace
And soon
So soon!
Your soul is mine

As above, i think this is fine as it is.

Ascend the slope
That steepest climb
My will bridging divide
I, to hold her hand
I, to watch her die

I think this would flow better with 'my will bridging the divide' or something, it sounds kind of awkward from looking at it here. Or maybe a rewording, depending on what context you want it in.

Goliath of earth unyielding
Sending arms of ardent light
With each moment drawing nearer
Feeding the furnace of my desire
This mountain
Her last bastion of hope
Like a child I hear her sob on high
But fear not my little one
Your knight is closing in

Not all can be saved
Iím coming for you my dearest
This longing drives me on
To have you
To hold
Iíd tear out my own heart
Just as Iíve come to feast on yours


Only a few bits i'd say needed work but it's very good overall, sounds dramatic.
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