Originally Posted by merriman44

C4C!



Sprinting, falling, failing breath
As Pheidippides march
Tirelessly, tormented
Onward to the One
This is good, i'd consider adding something like 'onwards' instead of 'onward' but that's about it.

Laying out the plans
In crypts on mountain high
She designed the path
For my demise
Secretly she plotted,
Manipulating me
Into carnal beast
With Teeth of steel to lead

I agree with the other poster, this is really well written.

Now I taste her fear,
The sweetest of perfumes
Returning with lust’s bluest flame
Temptress of fate!
Soon you’ll fall
Into my embrace
And soon
So soon!
Your soul is mine

As above, i think this is fine as it is.

Ascend the slope
That steepest climb
My will bridging divide
I, to hold her hand
I, to watch her die

I think this would flow better with 'my will bridging the divide' or something, it sounds kind of awkward from looking at it here. Or maybe a rewording, depending on what context you want it in.

Goliath of earth unyielding
Sending arms of ardent light
With each moment drawing nearer
Feeding the furnace of my desire
This mountain
Her last bastion of hope
Like a child I hear her sob on high
But fear not my little one
Your knight is closing in

Not all can be saved
I’m coming for you my dearest
This longing drives me on
To have you
To hold
I’d tear out my own heart
Just as I’ve come to feast on yours