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Old 09-10-2011, 12:25 AM   #1
UncleRemus
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Hell is the ray of sun heating the
stop-and-go highway procession back to a
home that makes you
sick to your stomach for
all the wrong reasons and it’s still a shitshow and it still feels like a
returning cough gently reminding you that the
trains still have to run on time and they do; they’re everywhere, they are a
dialectic courier of your vicarious
“dreams” and funny words that look nice in the right
order that you eschew or wish you could.
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Old 09-10-2011, 07:26 PM   #2
jod23
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Overall meaning behind it is some kind of disease is plaguing someone i think. sick to your stomach and shitshow for examples. first line is great with a nice describtion of hell tied with the sun.

'trains still have to run on time and they do; they’re everywhere, they are a dialectic courier of your vicarious “dreams” and funny words that look nice in the right order that you eschew or wish you could.'
nice description of words here. i feel a sense of humor approach with this piece. taking about weird dreams.
you can find a better descrpition rather than 'shitshow'. shitshow reminds of someone who goes on a drinking binge or people throwing poop.
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Old 09-13-2011, 03:00 PM   #3
ZanasCross
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Tasty. I hope to come back with a good comment; but for now, know I enjoyed this muchly.
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Old 09-13-2011, 06:26 PM   #4
Bleed Away
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Welcome back Cole I really enjoyed reading this!
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Old 09-17-2011, 07:35 PM   #5
Jammydude44
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UncleRemus
Hell is the ray of sun heating the
stop-and-go highway procession back to a
I didn't think you let me linger on your opening image long enough for it to have a significant effect on me. It's a great sun-stroked fire-and-brimstoe tarmac highway image but I hardly get to glimpse it in my mind before you "back-to-a-nextline". How dare you not let me revel in your imagery.

I think "procession" is also a little ugly to throw in here, the sudden plosive pops quite harshly with the alliterative 'h's of the phrase, and "procession" itself is quite a nasty word. I'm not sure you pushed yourself to move away from that word.


home that makes you
sick to your stomach for
You continue this tumbling feeling but again, to me it feels you have no sense how you should be pacing this. There's little thought for the reader it feels. Here, for example, you have two very shorts lines that clash. The "m" of line one and "s" of line two don't mix greatly - and the metre smashes together horrendously in the line break for me as well. It just doesn't read comfortably for my eyes.

all the wrong reasons and it’s still a shitshow and it still feels like a
returning cough gently reminding you that the
Now, the returning cough idea works fantastically here. The stuttering line before it really emphasises this action in a really superb way.
trains still have to run on time and they do; they’re everywhere, they are a
This is your first break, first puctuated ideal. It wasn't important enough for me. If you're not using punctuation as a standard (obvious the case), when you *do* use punctuation, it has to be for a good reason. For me, this semi-colon is not needed. It reads like you've thrown it in because you couldn't come up with another way to phrase this. I just don't see this use of punctuation as special enough to warrat it's inclusion.
dialectic courier of your vicarious
“dreams” and funny words that look nice in the right
order that you eschew or wish you could.


I think my main gripe is you don't give this time to develop into anything. It seems a rush to get to the end, with ideas and images not given due respect or time. Each line flows quickly over to the next and while that effect reads wisely time and again, in this piece I feel I'm rushing through for no reason - I'm not picking up your main concerns, I Don't have time to sit and chew the beef, only to smell it as I pass.

Allow me the time to tuck in properly and get the full flavour, myself as a reader is much more appreciative.
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Old 09-18-2011, 12:29 PM   #6
ali.guitarkid7
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I thought this was brilliant, just brilliant.
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Old 09-21-2011, 10:15 AM   #7
hb15577
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I loved the rushed feeling of this it gave me a really frantic feeling, well done.
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