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Old 08-17-2011, 03:01 PM   #1
24WildRovers
The Wild Hippy Rover
 
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The Gardeners

Oh sweet friend of mine
I have taken thy sweet rose
For my lady fair;
I humbly beg your gracious pardon
I am in no way
Entitled to take from a honeybee.

Listen traveler,
If you do walk through the garden in spring
Mind you don't trasspass,
For the gardeners do sting.
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Old 08-18-2011, 04:28 AM   #2
Winter Sky
green is fine.
 
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This has a certain charm about it that I can't quite pin down, and you pulled off the old-fashioned style of it beautifully. Your wording is so smooth and concise that it seems not a single word could be changed or removed without destroying the whole piece.

I found the first stanza to be especially well-written, and I was pleasantly surprised to learn that the narrator was speaking to a honeybee. It made me smile, and for that, I love this piece. I also liked the rhyme in the second stanza, and the last line was perfect.

Beautiful work.
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Old 08-19-2011, 10:17 AM   #3
BloodCold
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Location: somewhere down the weird street.
There is nothing to say that hasn't already been said above. This is a very nice piece. I would like to see you try to develop further in this style of writing.
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Old 08-19-2011, 01:46 PM   #4
24WildRovers
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Thank you both very much for the comments. And I agree with both of you, I actually think this is one of my better pieces
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