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Old 08-18-2011, 10:28 PM   #1
jod23
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Travels

Overwhelmed with stress, storm erupted
Hoarse cries traveled towards me
Heat lighting, waving their arms in the distance
Trying to intimidate me, passing through

Rain poured down like nails
Wetness covered every square inch, of my body
No where to run, protected by brush
Difficult to find peace, forgiveness is an ill

Scanning the area, dense forest
Tangerine color, breaches through the trees
Light touches my face, rest assure it was only a bad dream
Disappearing once more

Calm whispers for peace
Heartful melody, haunting in the evening sky
A loon flys in the distance, across the lake
The storm finally passed through

Last edited by jod23 : 08-18-2011 at 10:38 PM.
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Old 08-18-2011, 10:40 PM   #2
Winter Sky
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jod23
Overwhelmed with stress, storm erupted
Hoarse cries traveled towards me
Heat lighting, waving their arms in the distance
Trying to imidiate me, passing through

I'm not sure what you mean by 'imidiate'. As far as I can tell, it's not a real word. I really like the dissonant feel of this.

EDIT: I see you corrected the typo. I had a feeling you meant 'intimidate'.


Rain poured down like nails
Wetness covered every square inch, of my body
No where to run, protected by brush
Difficult to find peace, forgiveness is an ill

I don't like the comma in the second line; it disrupts the flow. Also, 'forgiveness is an ill' sounds odd. I really like the way you describe rain as pouring like nails. And, again, the dissonance works really well.

Scanning the area, dense forest
Tangerine color, breaches through the forest
Light touches my face, rest assure it was only a bad dream
Disappearing once more

Ending the first two lines with 'forest' feels lazy; I would change one of them to 'wood' or 'woods'. Aside from that, I really like this stanza.

Calm whispers for peace
Heartful melody, haunting in the evening sky
A loon flys in the distance, across the lake
The storm finally passed through

I love the word 'heartful' whether it's a real word or not. I'm not sure if it was intentional, but I like the use of 'flys' rather than 'flies'; it's a much prettier-looking word. Beautiful stanza, but the ending line is a bit weak.


I love love love the dissonance of this piece. Some of your word choices are a bit strange, but most of them are interesting and imaginative. This piece kind of painted an abstract painting in my head, and was overall a very enjoyable read. Nice work, man.


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Last edited by Winter Sky : 08-18-2011 at 10:41 PM.
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Old 08-19-2011, 01:53 PM   #3
jod23
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thanks for the critque. i used forgiviness is an ill from another life event i encountered awhile ago. i think the word doesnt fit in this peice but i was in the moment and wrote it down (from past experience momentary). i agree the ending could be better. it needs work with some changes.
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