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Old 09-04-2011, 09:37 AM   #1
24WildRovers
The Wild Hippy Rover
 
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Untitled

I wrote this a couple months ago and can't seem to think of a way to finish this. So comments with ideas on how to keep it going would be much appreciated. Thank You
I have added some stanzas, and they are the ones in the blue



Awake to a sullen sky

A painter
Smudging his paints
Into the sunrise

There is a mountain, seven stories high
And a road rises to show the way
You may be Thursday's child
And it's a long way to go


With a scribe
Dipping his quill
In deep twisted waters

There is a song, left un-sung
The harp I loved tha once sang
Left alone, unstrung
So sleeps the pride of former days


A vindictive serpent
Feeding off the sleeping bodies,
Deep eyes of a cryptical envelopment,
Piercing furthur than any fang

A painter sits
And with a gentle stroke
Paints a picture
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Last edited by 24WildRovers : 09-05-2011 at 10:40 AM.
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Old 09-04-2011, 01:20 PM   #2
OKSauce
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Location: Swansea, Wales
I'd focus more on the idea of the painter. i like the imagery but it feels too loose and undefined as it is
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Old 09-04-2011, 03:36 PM   #3
Winter Sky
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I'm not sure I like the third stanza. It's a bit wordy, it feels unrelated, and as OKSauce said, the painter idea feels like it should be the focus. Perhaps work on the imagery as well; it feels nameless right now, like anyone could have written it. I want to be able to read it and say, "24WildRovers wrote this because he's a boss like that!" But right now, it feels very anonymous and rough.

I'd like to see this when it's finished. Good luck, mate.
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Old 09-05-2011, 09:57 AM   #4
24WildRovers
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Thank you both for your comments, I'll get to work on fixing that as soon as I can
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