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Old 09-12-2011, 04:16 PM   #1
merriman44
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Columbus, OH
The Dance of the Hourglass

As always C4C good people. Thanks for looking.

Time’s dark world whispers in the night
You must now go,
you cannot linger
Polarizing thoughts misconstrued
I walk this desolate line
Conveyed onward as if merely observing
Another’s time
It lasts for a moment
It lasts forever
But currently the hour glass tips
And calling out to me sings a mournful song

The time grows short
It’s drawing nigh
Please say your goodbyes
Dear friend

Its sandy tears falling as it utters,
The occupation of the ancient speaker is truly remorseful
For who wishes to cut the final curtain cord of a life
So young
Especially so young
This thought scorches my anger and from its ashes arrives a pity
Like an evergreen sprout splits the blackened soil after the firestorm
I understand now
To watch the young grow
From a seed into a proud giant
Only to be cut down
It is all for naught
But there is beauty in it

Between the morn and twilight
The sun may shine the brightest
Or perhaps only at dusk will it sparkle
Radiant as the falling star in the rural night sky
This truest form of love and life
Is viewed again and again
By the dance of the hourglass
And again it calls to me
In little more than distant whispers…

The time is short
Its growing nigh
Please say your goodbyes
Child of man

Last edited by merriman44 : 09-12-2011 at 04:17 PM.
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Old 09-16-2011, 08:17 PM   #2
ApatheticMe
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Oklahoma
Quote:
Originally Posted by merriman44
I will give you a C for a C

Time’s dark world whispers in the night
You must now go,
you cannot linger
Polarizing thoughts misconstrued
I walk this desolate line
Conveyed onward as if merely observing
Another’s time
It lasts for a moment
It lasts forever
But currently the hour glass tips
And calling out to me sings a mournful song

I like this Stanza. It sets the mood for me very well. I do not feel anything special from the lines "you must now go, you cannot linger"....Maybe you could omit "to me" in the last line as well...it is just fluff...might be important sylabal adding fluff though so...

The time grows short
It’s drawing nigh
Please say your goodbyes
Dear friend
Love it...I might change the third line to "Please bid your goodbyes" or "Let parting words fly" or "Please say goodbye"..other than that minor thing i like it.

Its sandy tears falling as it utters,
The occupation of the ancient speaker is truly remorseful
For who wishes to cut the final curtain cord of a life
So young
Especially so young
This thought scorches my anger and from its ashes arrives a pity
Like an evergreen sprout splits the blackened soil after the firestorm
I understand now
To watch the young grow
From a seed into a proud giant
Only to be cut down
It is all for naught
But there is beauty in it
The lines "so young-Especially so young" could be said as one line very easily and it would help with flow In my opinion....hm...i like the rest to much to think of anything to change...


Between the morn and twilight
The sun may shine the brightest
Or perhaps only at dusk will it sparkle
Radiant as the falling star in the rural night sky
This truest form of love and life
Is viewed again and again
By the dance of the hourglass
And again it calls to me
In little more than distant whispers…
The only thing I can find here is that the last line reads a bit cleche to me....might be me though....it wounds like somthing i wrote the tother day....


The time is short
Its growing nigh
Please say your goodbyes
Child of man

I like it just as much as i did its cousin a few lines above....still dont like the third line all that much..




on an overal note....I like it....Maybe grabbing a thesaurus out and trying a few more complex or less used words could spice it up a bit....but I know for a fact i hate to try and revise a poem or lyric just for the sake of complexity.......

C4C???...It would be ever so kind of you....
http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...d.php?t=1480190
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Old 09-16-2011, 08:33 PM   #3
merriman44
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Columbus, OH
Thank you very much for such detail. I will certainly look at yours tomorrow when I have more time to critique.

Thanks again I really appreciate it!

edit: I had already read yours and had forgotten to give a review. I thought it was fantastic but I'll make sure I break down my thoughts for you. Thanks again!

Last edited by merriman44 : 09-16-2011 at 08:36 PM.
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Old 09-17-2011, 10:47 PM   #4
PCADriven
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Location: Wisconsin
First off, thanks for the critique on my piece. Please know that I will take your review very seriously when editing my song.

Now, onto your piece. I thought this very well written. The structure was very concise and easy to follow, which made for an easier read (potentially an easier listen?). Your imagery was very solid, it didnt deter into the realm of someone please get me a dictionary like some pieces on here tend to do, which I think is a credit to you as a writer; being able to please both lovers of songs that paint a picture in your head and those who really look more at the flow of a piece more than anything.

The last seven lines of the second verse really stood out to me as well for really telling almost a story within a story (the evergreen tree). Well done man.

Overall, this was a very enjoyable read, and im looking forward to seeing more of your work on these forums!
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