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Old 08-09-2011, 05:40 PM   #1
Felkara
~Maria my star...~
 
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Merry Olde England
Mad Swallows

Just finished recording this song for an EP. It's hard, it's fast, and it's a teensy bit heavy. You get a cookie if you can guess what it's about

[Verse]
I'm not here for conversation
I'm not here for second thoughts
I'm just here to push my fist and face
Right through the f***ing wall

You might need to hold me back
(You might need to hold me down)
'Cause I can't control myself
When there's those f***ing pigs around

My life is red and bold
We are expendible
We push on through
We can be three
And we will set our children free

[Chorus]
I'll rip you apart
(I'll rip you apart)
'Til there's nothing left but your heart
Burning cold like a solar eclipse

[Verse]
Still not here for conversation
Never had those second thoughts
But I'm still bent on breaking
Everything that I can come across

It's almost like there's no volition
Like I don't own my own thoughts
Like I'm just some nameless NPC
A game upon the shelf

Turn back from headlong crisis
You know I'll burn my best
I'll be the judge
And I'll be jury
I'll be the f***ing wings of death!

[Chorus]

And I'll be your rocket ship
And I'll set you high among the stars

[Riffy ending
Fin]

Feel free to stick a link in any comments and I'll crit away!
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Old 08-10-2011, 04:04 AM   #2
ali.guitarkid7
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Location: punk ass white boy
Although there are some lines that could use changing up a little bit to maybe help it flow a little better, I think it expresses the anger about the current state of things in London pretty damn well (I'm guessing it's got something to do with the recent riots?). Overall though, I loved it.

Quote:
Turn back from headlong crisis
You know I'll burn my best
I'll be the judge
And I'll be jury
I'll be the f***ing wings of death!

I usually pick out my favorite verse in my crits, and it was a little harder this time cause there's a lot going on here, but I like this one most, I think the lines "I'll be the judge and I'll be the jury, I'll be the ****ing wings of death!" are great, just really great.

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Old 09-21-2011, 05:21 PM   #3
Felkara
~Maria my star...~
 
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Merry Olde England
So we uploaded this song online, and you can listen to it here.
There are swears though, so be warned.

Thanks for the crits Ali, I think that one's also my favourite line.
__________________
I've got a plan and it's as hot as my pants!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sizzleby
I could watch your avatar for hours.
Quote:
Originally Posted by thewho65
It's official: apparently, the U.K. is a nation of trolls.


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Old 09-21-2011, 05:49 PM   #4
merriman44
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Columbus, OH
Quote:
Originally Posted by Felkara
Just finished recording this song for an EP. It's hard, it's fast, and it's a teensy bit heavy. You get a cookie if you can guess what it's about

[Verse]
I'm not here for conversation
I'm not here for second thoughts
I'm just here to push my fist and face
Right through the f***ing wall

You might need to hold me back
(You might need to hold me down)
'Cause I can't control myself
When there's those f***ing pigs around
I enjoy the echo. Especially since it's a slight play on the first line. I routinely don't like swearing in pieces. Not because it makes me uncomfortable but because it feels really amateurish. The first time you did it was alright but here is a tad much
My life is red and bold
We are expendible
We push on through
We can be three
And we will set our children free

[Chorus]
I'll rip you apart
(I'll rip you apart)
'Til there's nothing left but your heart
Burning cold like a solar eclipse
Love the eclipse line
[Verse]
Still not here for conversation
Never had those second thoughts
But I'm still bent on breaking
Everything that I can come across

It's almost like there's no volition
Like I don't own my own thoughts
Like I'm just some nameless NPC
A game upon the shelf
Interesting way to express mob psychology. Considering how extensive gaming is in society I think it actually works.
Turn back from headlong crisis
You know I'll burn my best
I'll be the judge
And I'll be jury
I'll be the f***ing wings of death!
Simply "I'll be the wings of death" sounds better/ more epic to me brudda but its up to you!
[Chorus]

And I'll be your rocket ship
And I'll set you high among the stars

[Riffy ending
Fin]

Feel free to stick a link in any comments and I'll crit away!


First, thanks for critting mine. Second, I like the aggression of this piece and with a few minor alterations I think it could make a fine metal/hard rock song. Good luck!
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Old 09-21-2011, 06:13 PM   #5
ApatheticMe
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Oklahoma
SOme good stuff man....I can't crit at the moment to save my life....(no sleep and a shity day)....but..you have the coolest avatar ever....just thought i should post to tell you....
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