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Old 09-26-2011, 01:21 AM   #1
SubwayToVenus
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Join Date: May 2009
free spirit

grey clouds like levies, or oceans grown weary
all by a sense of bad faith; a god directly above you
to smite and bless you in opportune times (up for Him
to decide); given firm handshakes to girls i've loved
and walked less than a mile home and drank rum
until peripheral voices hummed in sober noises, they said:
"go to bed, or dial her number in decisive treads
and hope to remain afloat in such unknown depths".
so i didn't, and the ghost of her on an autumn morning,
grinning sleepily on the pillow, pressing dreamily
for another hour in bed; that vision keeps me sailing.
Past native islands, even past uncharted smiles,
into the vocal chords of a newfound siren, and she says:
"go to bed, or tell me when you're ready to swim,
and then drown", and i did.
to think how far my oceans have grown,
to think how long such moments have lived,
when you were a beacon in fits of confidence,
a promise of smoother waters; i ought to dream farther,
to a more northern point, where somebody there
can harmonize beauty with a lover's voice,
with wit like quick fire, with poise like church choir.
til then i smoke til im higher than where we are now;
until then poems inspire me to pass on inspiration
that i can't give; so until then you're mine and that's it;
until then you're mine and that's it.
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Old 09-26-2011, 01:42 AM   #2
Cobrevolution
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The internals and slants were spectacular. The middle was, in my eyes, the best part of the piece, all the way from given to did. That's not to say that the beginning and ends weren't constructed just as greatly as the rest were. They were. I just enjoyed the in between so much more.

and as for your signature. it is an ongoing battle.
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Old 09-26-2011, 01:59 PM   #3
vintage x metal
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this is perfect, don't change a goddamn thing. you picked a beautiful line to start this off with.


hope you're doing well, ryan.
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Old 09-28-2011, 03:24 AM   #4
ali.guitarkid7
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Location: Lacrimosa soos a mal naaier
Quote:
Originally Posted by vintage x metal
this is perfect.

All that needs to be said.

You're a wonderful wordsmith and I've enjoyed every piece you wrote.



EDIT: I know this wasn't anywhere close to a good crit, and I'm sorry about that. However, would you mind saying a few words on any one of the first two pieces on my sig? Would really appreciate that.
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Last edited by ali.guitarkid7 : 09-28-2011 at 03:33 AM.
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