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Old 10-18-2011, 04:59 AM   #1
Dillon_Kennedy
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Please, Don't Read This!

Winter hits harder than a ten ton truck
Veering out of fall like a drunk driver on a dime,
Screeching brakes, bad fuel intake boogie,
Brain salad on the dashboard,
Fingerprints on the fretboard,
Sex hands on the headboard.

Icicles crystalize on the hangman's highway
Cracking under tires like a popcorn paradise,
Frozen lake, frosted diamond shake,
Organs on a smorgasboard,
Footprints on the floorboard,
Sex sells on a surfboard.

All in all the fly on the wall knows more about life
Than a man on ice in a car

Last edited by Dillon_Kennedy : 10-19-2011 at 12:57 AM. Reason: placeholder removed
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Old 10-19-2011, 05:51 AM   #2
ali.guitarkid7
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Change the title to "If you don't read this you'll miss out on a wonderful piece of writing".


Your imagery, alliteration and flow were great here. I think this piece is cut a little too short though.
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Old 10-19-2011, 10:29 AM   #3
BluePaintCult
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I don't like it. Just being honest. The majority of these lines are so forced, irrelevant, or disposable that my facial features actually began to distort after the first few instances.
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Old 10-19-2011, 11:20 AM   #4
Dillon_Kennedy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BluePaintCult
I don't like it. Just being honest. The majority of these lines are so forced, irrelevant, or disposable that my facial features actually began to distort after the first few instances.


you know that is actually what i was going for. i wanted it to feel like a car crash. short painful and grating. and since relevance is subjective i don't even mind it being called irrelevant. i consider this a success. much better than what i origionally posted under this title anyway.
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