Go Back   UG Community @ Ultimate-Guitar.Com > Music > Songwriting & Lyrics
User Name  
Password
Search:

Reply
Old 02-13-2012, 08:03 PM   #1
SubwayToVenus
Registered User
 
SubwayToVenus's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
lotus flower

this is not a dream, not yet at least,
not until your scents and vapors on red cotton sheets
flurry up and away; until it forces us
into an inorganic form of euphoria;
til we refuse to share in suffering, resort our feelings
to a summer fling, our times together as tequila treasures,
billowed covers as burials to spare us both of what
lay wounded underneath.

no apologies and no promises if you end up a hostage
with blood pooling in my bed. my heart is swooning instead,
so unassuming and yet, so obvious, i know.
your flannel shirt is off, your mascara and lipstick
may play devil and angel in the shadows.
tonight we'll leave the lights on, and move nimbly
with each kiss less courageous than the last.
and if one day you become shrouded in memory,
at least i'll have this.
__________________
here, My Dear, here it is

Last edited by SubwayToVenus : 09-13-2012 at 11:41 PM.
SubwayToVenus is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-13-2012, 09:24 PM   #2
Cobrevolution
non sum qualis eram
 
Cobrevolution's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
this has just become one of my all-time favorite pieces of poetry.

first stanza, though: i'd switch scents and vapors for one another. same deal with devil and angel. and billowed covers is cumbersome, i was thinking of pillows because of the following bed.

the second, jesus. i can't think of anything to say. this is exactly how i feel a poem should read - the rhymes are more than clever, they're astounding in terms of choice and placement; it's written highly intelligently; and the substance is clear as hell and real as hell.

amazing job.
__________________
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


Last edited by Cobrevolution : 02-14-2012 at 03:37 AM.
Cobrevolution is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-14-2012, 06:51 PM   #3
SubwayToVenus
Registered User
 
SubwayToVenus's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
wow thank you so much. i really appreciate the kind words. i agree that the first stanza could use some fine tuning. the flow is not as tight as id like it to be. thanks for reading
__________________
here, My Dear, here it is
SubwayToVenus is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-14-2012, 07:12 PM   #4
stellar_legs
semen bath.
 
stellar_legs's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Clone High
This...is really good.
__________________
Poor advice.
stellar_legs is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-17-2012, 03:05 AM   #5
SubwayToVenus
Registered User
 
SubwayToVenus's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
thanks man. i really appreciate that. i see you have something on the first page so imma get to that real soon
__________________
here, My Dear, here it is
SubwayToVenus is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-18-2012, 04:23 PM   #6
vintage x metal
Brown-Thighed Girl
 
vintage x metal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
finally!!!!!!! I can see you now.
__________________
GOODBYE BLUE MONDAY



Quote:
Originally Posted by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to alaskan_ninja
vintage x metal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-18-2012, 08:40 PM   #7
circular.parade
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Gotta say i really enjoyed this. Fine job
__________________
Writings
circular.parade is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-18-2012, 09:10 PM   #8
gateway01
UG's Only Dancing Mudkip
 
gateway01's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Earth
I think Radiohead stole your title.

I apologize on their behalf.
__________________
Top 5 Album Covers
gateway01 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-20-2012, 05:12 AM   #9
jamesford16
Banned
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Its Really Grt
jamesford16 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-21-2012, 05:19 PM   #10
SubwayToVenus
Registered User
 
SubwayToVenus's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
thanks everyone. i appreciate the kind words
__________________
here, My Dear, here it is
SubwayToVenus is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-21-2012, 09:42 PM   #11
Carmel
 
Carmel's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Israel
Hated the first stanza. In love with the second.
__________________
This is not a pipe
Carmel is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-24-2012, 09:26 PM   #12
punkforlife93
Call me Jed.
 
punkforlife93's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: South Carolina
I liked almost all of it. The internal rhyme with "together" and "treasures," intentional or not, made up for the first being slightly weaker.
__________________
i am the water in a puddle in the shade of a tree

Bandcamp | Facebook | Deadformat | Last.fm
punkforlife93 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-09-2012, 11:00 AM   #13
KevinDG
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
That was awesome.
KevinDG is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-09-2012, 01:16 PM   #14
blake1221
‭‭
 
blake1221's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Second stanza was definitely stronger, with a killer ending. The first stanza read a bit clumsy but was still well written, overall. Great job.
blake1221 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 08:31 PM.

Forum Archives / About / Terms of Use / Advertise / Contact / Ultimate-Guitar.Com © 2014
Powered by: vBulletin Version 3.0.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.