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Old 03-19-2012, 01:47 PM   #1
█▐▌█▐▌
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Share Lawyer Jokes

we all have lawyer jokes

three lawyers on a boat
one says to the other
"i'm going on a biz trip,
need you to water my fern.
i'll give you $5 and a handjob later
to do it."
2nd lawyer agrees
1st lawyer comes back from trip
2nd lawyer is in steam room
getting handjob from 3rd lawyer
1st lawyer says "what the heck
now how am i supposed to pay you"
2nd lawyer says
"gimme another 5 dollars"
laugh track
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Old 03-19-2012, 01:50 PM   #2
Joey-Tribiani
yes
 
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Boy, its so cold outside, I saw a lawyer with his hand in his own pockets!
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each time I piss in the dark I'm afraid that some wierd plant is going to eat my dick



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Old 03-19-2012, 01:53 PM   #3
CrimsonBizzare
spelt bizarre incorrectly
 
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Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" wonders one of the lawyers. "Watch, and you'll see," replies one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers see this and agree it is quite a clever idea. After the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed lawyer. "Watch, and you'll see," replies one of the engineers.

When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. A few moments later, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
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Old 03-19-2012, 02:09 PM   #4
seljer
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Old 03-19-2012, 02:12 PM   #5
Todd Hart
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What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 400 million has a chance at being a human.
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Old 03-19-2012, 04:08 PM   #6
█▐▌█▐▌
 
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I ask for lawyer jokes
people post
lawyer jokes

this thread
is a
failure
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Old 03-19-2012, 04:12 PM   #7
skylerjames13
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^ I'm surprised how well this thread turned out actually. Usually people just be dicks and derail the shit out of it haha.
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Old 03-19-2012, 04:15 PM   #8
neidnarb11890
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why did the cop
tell the lawyers
to move along?

'cos they were lawyerting.
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Old 03-19-2012, 04:16 PM   #9
necrosis1193
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What do you call 5,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

How can you tell a lawyer is lying?

Because he's talking.

A lawyer, a con artist, and a thief walk into a bar. Who orders their drink first?

Trick question, they're the same guy.
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Old 03-19-2012, 04:20 PM   #10
neidnarb11890
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i saw that
post u deleted
█▐▌█▐▌
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Old 03-19-2012, 04:21 PM   #11
zdh
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Why don't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy.
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Old 03-19-2012, 04:23 PM   #12
CrimsonBizzare
spelt bizarre incorrectly
 
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99% of lawyers make the other 1% look bad.
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Old 03-19-2012, 04:25 PM   #13
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Join Date: Apr 2011
oh woe
oh woe
y did you make me
this way
with clops of
black bricks
for a name

oh woe oh woe
i try to make
a fire with no heat
or light

but i fail

it burns
just hot enough
just bright enough
to pass for fire

i fail

i try to give
a man in the desert who is
thirsty
sand to drink

but i fail

maybe because he is delirious
it quenches his thirst

i fail

i used to be
the master
the blood of
many billy goats
i did taste

now i hunger
for their stringy
grey fur

i fail
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Old 03-19-2012, 04:27 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by neidnarb11890
i saw that
post u deleted
█▐▌█▐▌

So what? Can't a guy accidentally hit the enter key? SHEESH.
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Old 03-19-2012, 04:28 PM   #15
StillSublime
now comes in superdank!
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by █▐▌█▐▌
oh woe
oh woe
y did you make me
this way
with clops of
black bricks
for a name

oh woe oh woe
i try to make
a fire with no heat
or light

but i fail

it burns
just hot enough
just bright enough
to pass for fire

i fail

i try to give
a man in the desert who is
thirsty
sand to drink

but i fail

maybe because he is delirious
it quenches his thirst

i fail

i used to be
the master
the blood of
many billy goats
i did taste

now i hunger
for their stringy
grey fur

i fail
why
do you
type like

this
?
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Quote:
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Stop talking, you have are the biggest dick the pit has seen in a while.
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Old 03-19-2012, 04:29 PM   #16
necrosis1193
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Guys, stop doing tortilla impressions.
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Old 03-19-2012, 04:33 PM   #17
MH400
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I'm at Law School
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Old 03-19-2012, 04:35 PM   #18
keinerniemand
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An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates at Heaven. Saint Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer… you’re in the wrong place.” So the engineer instead reports to the Infernal Gates of Hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer finds he’s dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls the Devil up on the telephone and, in the spirit of a good-natured jibe, askes “So, how’s it going down there?”
The Devil smirks. “Things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
“What?” asks God with a start. “How’d you get an engineer? That’s a mistake: he should never have gotten down there. Send him up here.”
“No way,” sneers the Devil. “I like having an engineer on the staff. I think I’m gonna keep him.”
“Send him back up here,” roars God and, with all his righteous rage, adds “or I’ll sue!”
“Oh really?” asks the Devil coyly. “And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”

Source: http://komplexify.com/math/humor.html
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Old 03-19-2012, 05:04 PM   #19
DonGlover
UG's Tom Servo
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MH400
I'm at Law School

It's OK Mr. Dante Alighieri, you'll reach the Ninth Circle and be swallowed by Satan soon enough.

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Yes


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Old 03-19-2012, 05:10 PM   #20
Arby911
Finding the Pattern
 
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Why do Lawyers wear ties?

To keep the foreskin down...
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