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Old 07-09-2012, 04:13 PM   #1
themarsvolta
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Illinois
Quarter Machine Wedding Ring

crit4crit
QUARTER MACHINE WEDDING RING

Never been a good dancer
Still I waltz around the issue
When you ask me what is wrong.
Even if I explained the answer
You still wouldn't understand it
And your laughter would make matters worse.

High hopes and hard falls
Quarter machine wedding rings
And bathroom stalls,
I have no doubt
That that is what love is about.

Wish I could say we're meant to be
But I wouldn't wish that
Horrible fate on my worst enemy.
I'm just screams in a hellfire
Trying to preach to a choir
Of so-called angels and know-it-alls.

High hopes and hard falls
Quarter machine wedding rings
And bathroom stalls,
I have no doubt
That that is what love is about.

Last edited by themarsvolta : 07-10-2012 at 01:57 AM.
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Old 07-09-2012, 06:42 PM   #2
iRainH2O
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Join Date: Jul 2010
i can see this being a snide, sorta emo-ish song.
i can also see it as a pop song. +1
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Old 07-10-2012, 12:00 AM   #3
mojomike
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Canada
*slow clap*...

Very nice. You wouldn't happen to be a fan of The Mars Volta would you? Lol.

The only crit I would have is with regard to these two lines here
Quote:
I have no doubt
That that is what love is about
I can't quite put my finger on it, but for some reason these lines don't sit too well with me. Maybe it's the "that that" fragment but it just comes across as kind of awkward, maybe even too simplistic given the comparitively deep lines before it.

Oh yes and the little spelling mistake: "Trying to preach to a choir"
__________________
Home is where my guitar is.

Lyrics:
Letter to Laura
Untitled
If I was Robert Smith
For You

my attempt at free-verse:
So There It Is
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Old 07-11-2012, 03:26 PM   #4
ironicsQuid
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Join Date: May 2012
I disagree, I think the simplistic line of "that that" juxtaposed with the more complex lines of the verse really enforces the cynical view of love.
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