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Old 07-24-2012, 11:18 PM   #1
#1 synth
Weeow!
 
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singing in the shower

singing in the shower

when you use a soapstone cross to cross off the calendar days
on the blue tile of your shower
from a reclined position soaking hours with the lights off
light sprinkle of taxis on the interstate that plunges
through the neighborhood you scraped bonehook knees into
parents left you five lifetimes ago
but you are not counting those days till another near death
not counting down like michelle did when she subtracted slits in her wrists
not counting down like dani did in the six miles
before the semi caught its tread on the iceflow
counting down never made sense to you
when you were so fat
you forced yourself to start seein phantom dogs trailing you in the parking lot
nipping your heels, dug your nails into your thigh whenever they caught you
you made a career of running from god,
transformations under friendly fire firefight
cocoons in the spring and the fall to keep the adolescent suicide pacts true to the end
if anyone will kill you its gonna be you
in perfection
passed out on the trail or a hospital lobby
framed in the paper a footnote of how many exes
soapstone the inside of the shower stall you are now sitting in
mouth exploding like flowers concussion grenades fear for the fearless
but you’re not afraid of counting up
in songs you recorded just for yourself they should of listened to you eyes glazed blue
mouth sputtering cigar smoke rhythm sleep talking trance hymns
beautiful like the bible you failed to find solace in
though you thought you were ready to believe in the promise
twenty six years of being told people dont change
cut brainwaves up at the mouth of a god
river who would say that you’re saved if you’d let him-
so you were never told you were saved, had to stir it from scratch
countin up, coulda sworn you woulda died young
but when the doctors found cancer in your lung you willed it to remission
when out in new york they stuck you with a knife
and a secret you had to flee across state lines to remove
when the healthcare system lapsed on your domestic abuse lawsuit and there wasnt enough makeup in your purse to patch-up the holes in your face punched by the only man you ever trusted
when you found asylum in the shower
with the markings of how slowly you had crawled out of the gutter
and rose naked in the moonlight
watching the water run like blood along the innards of the curtain
and you thought
i am your humble stain upon this canvas
and you thought
but i am my own salvation, lord
and you thought
they have taken my body marked my skin with their kisses

oh
what strange power exists in the soul of a girl
who has made her peace with the world
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Last edited by #1 synth : 07-25-2012 at 11:43 PM.
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Old 07-24-2012, 11:19 PM   #2
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recording on its way.

poem a work in progress.

had to cut the linebreaks in different places than i would have liked because of how UG naturally cuts them.
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Old 07-27-2012, 02:45 AM   #3
freshtunes
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This is the first piece in over two years I have read on here that I truly connected with. I strongly suggest adding some punctuation, even if it is minimal and basic at best.

"subtracted slits in her wrists" -very interesting line.

and my favorite

"counting down never made sense to you
when you were so fat
you forced yourself to start seein phantom dogs trailing you in the parking lot
nipping your heels, dug your nails into your thigh whenever they caught you
you made a career of running from god"
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ottoavist
i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
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Old 08-23-2012, 12:52 AM   #4
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dont mean to bump this but I have a recording up. Its not exactly what I want but its coming along nicely.

LINK: http://soundcloud.com/atlantis-the-...g-in-the-shower

thank you so much for your words man. hope you are well.
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Old 08-23-2012, 12:10 PM   #5
Ozzytheaussie
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I'll just start by saying this is my first post in S & L, first lyrical critique and first time listening to such a piece so technically I'm not anywhere near experienced, but I can say what stands out as an amateur writer.

On first impression of reading the lyrics it sounded like random dark imagery trying to be artistic. But on first listen to the recording I was hooked. That darkness and colour (pun not intended) creates something very relate-able and powerful. The section ending in "...punched by the only man you ever trusted," was the highlight for me. I couldn't pick out any cliches. Very solid and genuine the whole way through. Apologies if I haven't given you much to work on but you've got something there and there's nothing I could think to change. Good luck
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Old 08-23-2012, 05:01 PM   #6
Cyclones41
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I love this one, Dylan. I love the way you presented it, and I loved the changes you made in the words from what's written above. It's an awesome build up. I can't complain about a piece of this, man. Except, maybe the end. I think it'd be stronger if it stuck at the "made her peace with the world."
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Old 08-23-2012, 05:25 PM   #7
Bob_Sacamano
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Really liked the song man.
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Old 08-24-2012, 12:07 AM   #8
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sorry boys. I had to cut this recording out because of a name drop i got in trouble for. New recording up soon.
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