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Old 08-24-2012, 01:42 PM   #1
Bleed Away
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WotW : Illusion Withheld

"One of the only things that is worse
than being alone
is the illusion that you are not alone Ė
no matter how long the illusion stays for. "




I channel the void
from this side of solemn debauchery,
now filled with unwashed apologetics
of the etiquettes I no longer need.

Itís no oneís fault but everyone else;
Iíll put this ďfaithĒ in my own concerns.

Find someone else to love
and Iíll find mine (time will tell.)
Platonic proverbs, and the white lies
you fashioned thereof,
are like a holiday resort
for the hedonistic
like me.

Sadistic courtship, my dear,
is a wakened state;
a thought experiment
only for a husbandís eyes to witness.

You donít care but
Iíll be there (for you)
when you turn out those lights.

You should be happy for me
(and me alone.)

If I had my way,
you would be my own being
(residing in my mind, willingly.)
Together, we would celebrate our shortcomings;
buy a house just to keep to ourselves;
and hold hands as we walk
through the valley of death,
to a family with little else than the shelter
that vigilantly consumes your presence:
myself.

But youíre simply not there anymore,
and you never were.
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Last edited by Bleed Away : 08-26-2012 at 02:18 PM.
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Old 08-24-2012, 09:52 PM   #2
smartalecG94
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this will be the third writing of yours to be stuck for me you are quickly becoming my favorite writer on UG. no crit needed lol its amazing
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Old 08-25-2012, 11:59 PM   #3
seventh_angel
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This is amazing. I must say sometimes your work pushes me away, mainly because your vocabulary is too exquisite ( you have an amazing vocabulary btw, it just doesn't work for me sometimes ). But that's my problem and has nothing to do with you because you're a great writer. However, this piece was so relatable, that the vocabulary, despite being too rich for its own good sometimes, fits almost perfectly.

I just didn't like two commas, simply because they don't seem necessary. The one after "apologetics" in the beginning, and the one after "walk".

Nonetheless, as I said, I thought this was an amazing piece.
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Old 08-26-2012, 12:06 PM   #4
BjarnedeGraaf
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Lots of big words, but I like it, I've seen your lyrics, and most of them have these big words, any reason why? Sometimes I feel like the "fancy" words could be replaced with more daily-used words. but this was great
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Old 08-26-2012, 12:23 PM   #5
Mr.Pink101
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asdfghjkl;



...this is so perfect :'(
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Old 08-26-2012, 02:32 PM   #6
Bleed Away
th.
 
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@Seventh_angel:

Thanks, I took your advice about the commas you mentioned. I'm sorry to hear that the vocabulary, of most of my pieces, has been pushing you away. I have definitely toned it down, in comparison to my 2008-2010 poems. But, in this particular piece, the only words that I can deem as exquisite are "debauchery", "etiquettes" "hedonistic", "platonic" and "vigilantly". The rest are pretty standard, in my opinion. Nevertheless, I will take your comment into consideration by toning down the vocabulary a bit more in future pieces.

@BjarnedeGraaf: My "lyrics" are actually poems or prose :p

Thank you all for the very kind comments. Most appreciated!
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Last edited by Bleed Away : 08-26-2012 at 02:46 PM.
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Old 08-26-2012, 02:42 PM   #7
seventh_angel
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Yeah, you're right, but I mean, that's your style you know ? I usually find it admirable, it just keeps me from getting involved with it; I really appreciate that you took my comment into consideration!
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Old 08-29-2012, 04:00 PM   #8
culex-knight
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Location: In the bucket at the end of time.
Two in a row!
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Old 08-29-2012, 06:30 PM   #9
#1 synth
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you really have come a very long way my friend. and you keep getting better. good piece brah.
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Old 08-29-2012, 07:44 PM   #10
ZanasCross
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Fred, I've just been astounded by your writing these past few months. So, so, so solid. This is great... and two in a row is well-deserved.

I haven't posted much on your pieces, but I read everyone. Keep it up, sir!
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Old 08-30-2012, 01:06 AM   #11
seventh_angel
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Congratulations
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Old 08-30-2012, 12:27 PM   #12
Mr.Pink101
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I told you it was perfect

WotM without a doubt. Good work!
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Old 08-30-2012, 03:21 PM   #13
Bleed Away
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Thanks for the big honour!
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Old 09-05-2012, 10:25 PM   #14
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grats :]
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