|08-30-2012, 01:02 AM||#1|
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
Join Date: Aug 2007
Someday you’ll get tired of growing up
and ask me to give you back your youth,
and I will because you’re funny when
you pop your head out of that hole
that you dug around four years ago
when you thought it was fashionable
to be an adult. You still hide in there
because you’re always afraid
of strangers’ judgments, even though
you’ll never meet anyone on this street
(although, you never really know;
there’s always those six degrees of separation,
but I won’t remind you of them now
because they wouldn’t help my argument at all).
“Come! Come out!” I shout
while looking up to your window,
exhaling smoke signs from my mouth.
You’ll claim you have a lot
of paperwork to take care of,
“but… I’m a dragon now!”
and you’ll laugh because it’s stupid
and we’re both healthily stupid
when there’s no one around to see you.
On some nights
you’ll get tired of being looked upon
and sit on my lap
under the spotlight of a streetlamp
and you couldn’t give a damn if anyone
saw you kiss someone like a horny teenager.
On those nights,
I may love you because you’re being you,
or I may hate you because you’re never you.
|09-01-2012, 01:01 AM||#2|
a real man
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: punk ass white boy
It's tough to crit this, since I enjoyed it and couldn't find much flaws here. It's got a lot of qualities I admire: a child-like wonder underscored by some real, dark issues and you're clear and concise without being boring. Still, the great teleporting images - ask yourself, where am I right now and where am I going? The nice thing about poetry is that metaphors like having your head in a hole (or being in a cave, closet etc) doesn't need to be a figure of speech, it can be a setting instead. So for instance, instead of the window it could still be around that hole (it's a weak example since it's hard to be original with something used in day to day life, but I think you get what I mean - build stuff).
I'd prefer the "Six degrees of separation" lines if they'd been separated (oh man) into their own stanza. They aren't awfully important here, but they still show you the attitude I was talking about earlier.
Now, as for the dragon bit. Why was that left alone? It could have improved the ending. Speaking of which, the ending wasn't as good. It's doesn't tell me more about the piece, and it doesn't resonate. You're finishing on the same place you started: insecurity, and I already knew that's what this is about. So how come I'm not getting extras?
Hopefully that wasn't a mess of a criticism
look at you scared now hoe
yo you can't touch me faggot, you not man enough
yo you can't touch me faggot, uh ill fuck you in the ass
ill eat your asshole alive you bitch
ill fuck you in front of every body bitch
|09-01-2012, 08:18 AM||#3|
Failing at n00b language
Join Date: Apr 2008
This was a very honest piece, and I really liked the casual feeling of your lines. I´m kind of torn on the dragon bit, while I really like how it works flow-wise and adds to the youthful and direct aspect of the stanza, it still seems kind of silly, just like you point it out in the next few lines. I liked the ending, it gave off a rather "round" feeling, making your piece end in the same place as it began, which I find very nice! I hope to see more of your work soon, because I´m really enjoying reading your output!
In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
please check out my own album:
|09-01-2012, 09:22 AM||#5|
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
Join Date: Aug 2007
The dragon bit is a reference to an inside joke. Six or seven years ago, on a really cold day, one of my best friends breathed out and you could see the air, which is a really normal situation, but he was just wandering around saying "I'm a dragon"; it was really stupid but it was an expression that stuck with us.
This is about remaining youthful while other people become all serious because they feel like they have to, while it's just not part of their personality. However, they keep becoming more and more adult-minded, until they become a completely different person, almost as if they were acting out of character. In the end, when they need to relax or something, they return to being the person you have always known, and this piece is just one big question for "who are you really?". I chose not to continue with the hole metaphore because I prefered to keep this as realist as possible.
Thank you for your comments guys !