09-01-2012, 11:05 AM
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#1 |
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Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2009
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telemarketer
sunday afternoon
cool september breeze going for a stroll consistently knocking on my front door had enough, anxiety from this hangover dog of the hair that bit me heat index unbearable, humid an tropical as sweat pouring from my forehead watering the garden outside need to get up from bed walked into the kitchen making breakfast, steak, egg, an cheese as sunlight gently penetrating through the windows my eyes fixed on the rolling hills an gentle rivers yellow an green colors emerge together making love as the leaves begin to change in the 1st day of september's reign landline phone rings pandoras box picked it up hello? heavy musky voice tickling my right ear sounding like charlie browns teacher in the background mumbling with words unrelated to batman's voice selling pornographic ideas an a trip to disney world feeling sick without a wasted word an flash of lighting i hung up the phone sat down on the chair taking a deep breath glaced at the painting a few feet from me self potrait of vincent van gogh hanging from the wall staring at me trying to sell me something ~end~ Last edited by jod23 : 09-01-2012 at 07:00 PM. |
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09-03-2012, 03:56 PM
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#2 | |
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th.
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: the alley at dawn
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Quote:
Yeah, to put it bluntly, this entire piece needs a lot of editing. The ideas are there (and I feel you have some good ones) but the execution lets it down. It just doesn't read very, as it is on the screen. But if it's a spoken-word poem then I guess it will suffice (as it is) 
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Mulbery Last edited by Bleed Away : 09-03-2012 at 03:57 PM. |
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09-03-2012, 04:13 PM
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#3 |
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Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2009
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thanks for your feedback.
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09-03-2012, 05:36 PM
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#4 |
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Banned
Join Date: May 2009
Location: The London Borough of Croydon, GB
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I used to do telesales.
'Dream of Tele-forni-cation' 'Fornicate' Sorry... Is this a rap, or, spoken word/poem? |
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09-04-2012, 05:45 PM
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#5 | |
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Failing at n00b language
Join Date: Apr 2008
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I really really enjoyed this piece, as it evoked feelings I could very well relate to! My favourite bits probably were "sounding like charlie browns teacher in the background/mumbling with words unrelated to batman's voice/selling pornographic ideas an a trip to disney world" as the imaginery is just so vivid and I can perfectly picture the conversation in my head. You also managed to convey the hangover-ish feelings throughout, and especially in this and the last stanza. Although I cannot quite put my finger on how you did this, I really liked the flavour this gave off for this piece. I believe it is because of your clever use of short phrases. I didn´t quite feel the last lines of the second stanza, they kind of disrupt the feeling I had reading the first one, they seem a little bit too "lovely", for the lack of a better word, for my taste. Reading it again and again, the two lines "watering the garden outside/need to get up from bed" really make a strong connection to me and especially the last one fits perfectly into the mood you created, because of it´s short, to-the-point nature. I did not really have a problem with the flow throughout this piece, but I believe that this also may be because nearly everything flows fluidly to my ears. The last stanza was also brilliantly put together, I love your poem ending with the stare of Vincent van Gogh meshed with the telemarketer.
I´m sorry I couldn´t find much too criticise, but this piece really spoke to me in a way. Please keep me posted on your future work!
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In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. Quote:
please check out my own album: almilano.bandcamp.com |
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09-08-2012, 12:23 AM
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#6 |
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Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2009
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glad u liked it madzaa, took it as a spoken word poem. its about a dream i had directing towards a painting. focused on random ideas of a telemarketer selling stuff over the landline phone.
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