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Old 09-10-2012, 12:18 AM   #1
seventh_angel
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
 
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Melodrama

[ Don't know how to feel about this one as well ]

Once upon a time,
we dreamt of once-upon-a-times
and happily-ever-afters,
because dreaming was better
than a real world of uncertainty.
I may have dragged you with me
to an unscripted melodrama
in an attempt to cure the trauma
of, one day, dying estranged;
to never feel your heart being
suddenly in the wrong gear
while someone holds your hand,
sending strength to face your fears
with those sailor-knotted fingers,
and time not flying, but lingering
hazily at your will.
Laying in your deathbed,
longing for the teenage thrills
that only lasted long in pacts
no one knew how to keep,
you think about your closest friends
and wherever they may be;
if they sometimes think about you
and your unfulfilled plans.
When your heart's in the wrong gear,
but now making your chest cold,
you realize you're the only one
dying old in this stalled town
and what never made you leave
hasn't been there for a while,
for the scenery of the streets
is far from your memory's landscape.
You had three briefs of escapes
but kept sticking to Plan B,
leaving leaving for tomorrow
because today something may change;
but the changes that kept coming
were always turning things to worse.
You reach your hand to your private nurse,
hoping to feel her smooth-skinned fingers
tangled with yours for the last time.
Maybe you can see the face
of the one you left get away
created by your blurred vision.
She'll somehow manage to smile
as you weakly lean your head
against her breast, close your eyes
and, from silence, hear her laughter
and dream of happily-ever-afters
for a while.

Last edited by seventh_angel : 09-10-2012 at 07:19 AM.
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Old 09-10-2012, 03:04 AM   #2
Petey Cook
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Cool

I'm gonna do something a little different here. I'm going to, in italics quote your original material and in bold, tell you what I'm envisioning in my head after I read lines out of your piece. At the end, it'll make sense. Hopefully.

Once upon a time,
we dreamt of once-upon-a-times
and happily-ever-afters,
because dreaming was better
than a real world of uncertainty.

Fairy tales
I may have dragged you with me
to an unscripted melodrama

Soap operas
in an attempt to cure the trauma
of, one day, dying estranged;

A hospice center
to never feel your heart being
suddenly in the wrong gear

Cars
while someone holds your hand,
sending strength to face your fears
with those sailor-knotted fingers,

A trust-worthy pirate
and time not flying, but hazily
lingering at your will.
Laying in your deathbed,

Again, a hospice center
longing for the teenage thrills
that only lasted long in pacts
no one knew how to keep,
you think about your closest friends
and wherever they may be;
if they sometimes think about you
and your unfulfilled plans.

Highschool graduation/reunion
When your heart's in the wrong gear,
Cars again
but now making your chest cold,
death
you realize you're the only one
dying old in this stalled town
and what never made you leave
hasn't been there for a while,

Again, probably a hospice center
for the scenery of the streets
is far from your memory's landscape.

Gardening
You had three briefs of escapes
but kept sticking to Plan B,
leaving leaving for tomorrow

Journey songs, I think
because today something may change;
One of those bad inspirational posters
but the changes that kept coming
were always turning things to worse.

An anti-motivational poster?
You reach your hand to your private nurse,
hoping to feel her smooth-skinned fingers
tangled with yours for the last time.

An old person dying in a hospice center
Maybe you can see the face
of the one you left get away
created by your blurred vision.
She'll somehow manage to smile
as you weakly lean your head
against her breast, close your eyes

Death
and, from silence, hear her laughter
and dream of happily-ever-afters
for a while.

Fairy tales again

So, if you go through the bold parts, you see that there's a LOT of confusion as to what we're supposed to be thinking about this piece. However, there are some really interesting parts that keep recurring. I used "hospice center" to just mean an old person who is probably dying, not the actual building. But it kept coming up. So did a lost love and so did the idea of fairy tales. But that all got lost in a lot of other stuff. See where you need to pare it down?

Rock On
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Old 09-10-2012, 03:24 AM   #3
kdownes
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The only part of this I felt was a little off was the use of "hazily". I've always found it a bit of a blah word; lazily works just as well and that's how I originally read it, too. Other than that, i really enjoyed this. I've noticed a lot of similar themes in your works lately: death, friendship, nostalgia for youth. Heavy things happening in your life, or just exploring something darker?
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Old 09-10-2012, 06:42 AM   #4
seventh_angel
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I chose "hazily" to give it a dream-like ambience, so "lazily" doesn't quite fit in, but I can try to find something similar. I can't say it's heavy things, it's just stuff changing; I finished my graduation, so I'm looking for a job in my area (publicity). It's like entering adulthood for real, and also, most of my friends are studying abroad or far away and they are the ones who can help me to keep my lifestyle "young" in a way. It's hard to explain, but, as you can see, it's nothing heavy; it's just things that make me think about life. Thanks for asking Kyle
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Old 09-10-2012, 07:06 AM   #5
kdownes
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I agree lazily doesn't work, it's just how I read it. Maybe even try swapping hazily and lingering. "lingering hazily" reads better than "hazily lingering". I think.
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Old 09-10-2012, 07:21 AM   #6
seventh_angel
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Changed
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