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Old 09-06-2012, 09:02 PM   #1
Bleed Away
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Home

Return to your perverted home,
the honeymoon period is now over.

Nostalgia is quick
and painless,
if you need a way out
like your father.

A bloodline can’t be camouflaged
by a simple lifestyle: natural selection
is more subtle than that.

A man is not an island.

Much like the former members
of your once revered
immediate family,
you too will become humbled
by the obituary
that awaits your eviction;

it will act as a cautious display
to those whom never listen.
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Last edited by Bleed Away : 09-12-2012 at 04:52 AM.
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Old 09-06-2012, 09:32 PM   #2
Mr.Pink101
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I want to be able to hate this, I really do.
But I can't, because your writing is always a flawless expression.

My only nitpick would be the use of "Immediate" family - to me this poem reads softly and emotively, immediate just sounds too blunt to me, personally. I'd be hard pressed to offer a subtler alternative though.

Another fantastic read though, please keep posting
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Old 09-07-2012, 01:54 AM   #3
kdownes
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I see I inspired you

Seriously though, I like this. I actually kind of liked the use of immediate, it felt right where it was. You've always struck me as someone who is very careful with their words, every choice feels deliberate.
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Old 09-08-2012, 03:20 PM   #4
Bleed Away
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I had to do a bit of searching to find out which poem you were referring to there, Kdownes :p The last stanza is a bit similar to the first two lines here though.

Thanks for the critique guys. Concerning the word "immediate", the reason why I used to is because I wanted to that stanza to be a bit more specific about the type of family that the narrator is discussing about

p.s. Mr. Pink, I'm not quite sure why you would like to hate this. Is it due to the subject matter?
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Last edited by Bleed Away : 09-08-2012 at 03:37 PM.
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Old 09-10-2012, 04:37 AM   #5
Petey Cook
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Hmmm. Let me point out my confusions about this piece and maybe you can clear them up?

Quote:
Return to your perverted home,
the honeymoon period is now over.


Simple enough, I guess. "Honeymoon" means a new pairing of people, and a perverted home could be a shitty life that they are returning to after some escape. That's cool. It's vague and doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but it's only the first two lines. Let's dive deeper.

Quote:
Nostalgia is quick
and painless,
if you need a way out
like your father.


OK. First of all, nostalgia isn't quick or painless. It can really hurt and it can linger. It can haunt. So I'm not sold on those first two lines. And the way the rest of this reads, it's like you're trying to equate nostalgia with suicide. Which doesn't work. They're both types of escape but...not really. Not enough to sell this. The mention of "your father" ties back in to the perverted home, but I don't see what it has to do with a honeymoon period.

Quote:
A bloodline can’t be camouflaged
by a simple lifestyle: natural selection
is more subtle than that.


So the fact that "natural selection is more subtle than that [what that is is never explained]" is a "simple lifestyle" that a "bloodline can't be camouflaged by". That doesn't make sense. Nor does it connect with the above, other than that "bloodline", "father" and "home" can be seen as similarly associated words.

Quote:
A man is not an island.


So?

Quote:
Much like the former members
of your once revered
immediate family,
you too will become humbled
by the obituary
that awaits your eviction;


This stanza actually makes the most sense. Sort of. In a very, vague, roundabout way. But not really. So let me break it down. "You" will, like the "former members" (dead) of "your...immediate family" will become humbled (even though someone deceased cannot be humbled, that is a social emotion) by an obituary (notification of a death, apparently associated with the aforementioned deceased) that you're going to evict (get rid of.) Can someone explain to me how that makes sense?

Quote:
it will act as a cautious display
of those who never listen.


What will?

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Old 09-10-2012, 01:54 PM   #6
Bleed Away
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I would love to clear up the confusion
Quote:
Simple enough, I guess. "Honeymoon" means a new pairing of people, and a perverted home could be a shitty life that they are returning to after some escape. That's cool. It's vague and doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but it's only the first two lines. Let's dive deeper.


I didn't simply use the word "honeymoon", I used the phrase "honeymoon period", which can mean a period of tranquillity or a period that's devoid of scrutiny (in the life of an individual.) The phrase isn't exclusive to newly-formed relationships, at least, not in the context of this piece.

I did, in fact, use the word "perverted" because it’s a word that contrasts well with the word “honeymoon”. “Perverted” is synonymous with the word “corrupt”, i.e.: the home that is being referred to is a (spiritually, morally etc.) corrupt one.

In summary, the narrator is telling the individual that he or she might as well return back to the corrupt home (that he or she grew up in) because the life of that individual, too, is (gradually) becoming just as corrupt as the home that was left behind (in the pursuit of spiritual transcendence.)

The word “home” here also means “former life.”

Quote:
OK. First of all, nostalgia isn't quick or painless. It can really hurt and it can linger. It can haunt. So I'm not sold on those first two lines. And the way the rest of this reads, it's like you're trying to equate nostalgia with suicide. Which doesn't work. They're both types of escape but...not really. Not enough to sell this. The mention of "your father" ties back in to the perverted home, but I don't see what it has to do with a honeymoon period.

Yes, I was trying to link “nostalgia” with “death”/”suicide”. The original line was actually, “Nostalgia will kill me one day.” Indeed, “nostalgia” and “death”/”suicide” are almost polar opposites of each other (conceptually.) But I wanted to use those two contrasting concepts to express the desire of wanting something that, intrinsically, will take a long time to fulfil (i.e. spiritual transcendence) or overcome, in an absurdly short amount of time; the “like your father” line implies that the father of the individual has once tried to achieve just that.
Quote:
So the fact that "natural selection is more subtle than that [what that is is never explained]" is a "simple lifestyle" that a "bloodline can't be camouflaged by". That doesn't make sense. Nor does it connect with the above, other than that "bloodline", "father" and "home" can be seen as similarly associated words.

The third stanza, and the line that follows it, are linked. First of all, the third stanza is actually saying that natural selection, a very gradual and meticulous process, can’t suddenly be reversed, or masked, by simply adhering to a new lifestyle. The word “subtle” means “not obvious or easily understood”, and it’s also synonymous to the word “insidious”. As you can hopefully now see, what this stanza is saying is very much linked to what the previous stanza was trying to express. And also, you can also say that this stanza is acknowledging the fact that the difficulties the individual is now facing (in achieving their goal) stem deeper than what meets the eye, i.e. the inadequacies that the individual is facing has been affecting the individual’s family for many generations.

The “a man is not an island” line is mostly just play on words/phrases (of sorts.) The theory of evolution came about after Darwin had explored the Galapagos Islands; the Mockingbirds that Darwin collected on the Galapagos Islands represented three different species each unique to a particular Island, it was during this time that Darwin began speculating on the possibility that one species can change into another. So basically I was trying to expand the original meaning of the idiom, the idea that “humans are necessarily dependent on each other,” and relate it towards the idea of natural selection.
Quote:
This stanza actually makes the most sense. Sort of. In a very, vague, roundabout way. But not really. So let me break it down. "You" will, like the "former members" (dead) of "your...immediate family" will become humbled (even though someone deceased cannot be humbled, that is a social emotion) by an obituary (notification of a death, apparently associated with the aforementioned deceased) that you're going to evict (get rid of.) Can someone explain to me how that makes sense?

Everything that was said in that stanza was said on purpose; I’m very much aware of the definition of each of the words that were used. An obituary can humble a (now deceased) person if said person never achieved anything of significance/importance during their lifetime; an obituary essentially announces, publicly, the life achievements, or lack thereof, of a deceased person. The narrator never said that he or she was evicting anyone. The last line simply says “(that) awaits your eviction”, the word “eviction”, here, means death (after completely exhausting time on Earth by living a once “former life” to the full.)


Quote:
What will?


The obituaries (of the former family members of the individual, or the individual themselves) will help to caution those whom refuse to listen to good advice, the same people whom give up easily because their goals are seemingly hard to achieve.


Hmm, I hope this helps to clear things up. Thanks for reading!
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Last edited by Bleed Away : 09-12-2012 at 04:50 AM.
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Old 09-10-2012, 05:15 PM   #7
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i know you in no way asked me to do this and that it is presumptious as all hell but this is how I would edit this piece if I had written it (keep in mind that this will probably completely obfuscate your original meanings and intention)


bloodlines

Return to your perverted home,
the honeymoon period is now over.


Much like the former members
of your once revered family,
you too will become humbled
by the obituary
that awaits your eviction;

it will act as a cautious display
of those who never listen.



--
I also thought about adding "A bloodline cannot be camouflaged." as a seperate stanza afterword.
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Old 09-10-2012, 05:24 PM   #8
Bleed Away
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It's cool man I actually really like it when people have their own interpretation of any of the pieces that I have written. Did you edit it this way based on what I wrote above, or was it entirely based on your interpretation? Your edit definitely has more of a punch to it.
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Old 09-11-2012, 03:27 AM   #9
Petey Cook
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One thing is cleared up for me: the original lyrics aren't important to you. What is is you being able to talk about them. For instance:

It took you over thirty full-length lines of text to explain to me why 18 quarter-length lines of text make sense. So, to do the math, 30 full-length lines of text (a lot on an internet forum) defending against my criticism are as important as (about) the six and a half full length lines of lyrics.

Which means that the explanation is more important than the original lyrics.

Which means that you haven't really said what it is you are trying to say. Which is why, more than shitty grammar or terrible construction, I was confused to begin with.

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Old 09-11-2012, 11:14 AM   #10
Bleed Away
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I really don't know what you're talking about, Petey Cook. First of all, you stated that my poem (not lyrics mind you) made no sense - and by doing so you implied that the poem carried no meaning. I am not fond of offering the true meaning behind any of my poems, because I want the readers to have (and preserve) their own interpretation (that's the beauty of poetry.) The explanation is not more important than the poem. Your, quite frankly, backwards logic baffles me; the "criticism" that you gave me was very asinine in nature, and that was what prompted me to give you a long-winded response (that so happened to be 30 lines in length.)

Shitty grammar and terrible construction? Fair enough about the latter (it is just your opinion, after all.) But why don't you, instead of carelessly bashing my piece, give me some actual constructive criticism by explaining to me the former? But I'm not holding my breath for that, because careless bashing is seemingly all you know how to do (your recent streak of comments, posted on the S&L forum, indicates it to me.)

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Last edited by Bleed Away : 09-11-2012 at 03:09 PM.
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Old 09-13-2012, 01:00 AM   #11
Petey Cook
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Let me say three things. First, this is a song lyrics forum. If you wanted your piece judged only as poetry, than too bad. Also, as poetry, all my comments still apply. And I never implied that this piece had no meaning. Those were words you put in my mouth and I don't appreciate it.

Second, your intentions do not matter. Nor do your reasons for not offering your reasons behind your pieces. Not that we should care what you have to say about it, due to the fact that: what the reader takes away from them does in fact matter, and what I took away from them was a jumbled pile of misused wordplay and lines that only you thought were clever. When I told you this you defended your piece in such a way that made me think that your real intention was not the original piece, but something that you haven't gotten down yet. I was trying to inform you that your defense was more compelling than your poetry. It was more honest. I wanted to see that distilled into a piece, not the lines you originally posted.

Third, take a minute to re-read my original post. I think you'll find that I pretty much spelled it out why your piece was confusing. I also have to wonder why you feel the need to comment on my other posts when they are irrelevant to your piece. To go back to one of my age-old lines, you can argue all you want, but is your piece getting any better?

I do feel the need to apologize for one thing: I didn't mean my second post to be negative. I wanted it to sound positive and I didn't do a very good job of that. My intention was to make you see that underneath the shitty construction and terrible grammar was something that was truly great. It just hasn't been said yet.

And don't quote my sign-off. You haven't earned it yet.

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Old 09-14-2012, 11:54 AM   #12
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Note: I didn't read any of your explanation. So, I'm coming at this clean.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bleed Away
Return to your perverted home,
the honeymoon period is now over.

It's a stark entrance; but I hate the word perverted here. I know the intention, but in modern English the word is more linked to sexual deviants than the idea of a broken object. There isn't any context to go with (it's the first impacting word in the piece), so it's hard not to jump to the more common use in modern language.

Nostalgia is quick
and painless,
if you need a way out
like your father.

Would have liked to see "follow your father." as the last line. It's a bit more accusatory, and it hits harder for me. I feel like this stanza needs more to it. In fact, I find this true of the whole piece; every time I feel like you start heading somewhere, you drop into 2nd gear and turn a corner to a new place where I have to reestablish myself as a reader. Seems like you don't let the topics develop. There's an overarching theme, but anytime I start to connect a stanza to that theme; you runaway from the stanza.

A bloodline can’t be camouflaged
by a simple lifestyle: natural selection
is more subtle than that.

Natural selection is more subtle than that... brilliant line. The rest... take or leave. I just don't feel like there is much here.

A man is not an island.

Much like the former members
of your once revered
immediate family,
you too will become humbled
by the obituary
that awaits your eviction;

Finally some oomph and action. I feel like this is the tone the whole piece has needed. I hate the single line above it (it just dangles there... no push and no shove. It doesn't fit for me); but this stanza finally gets something going.

it will act as a cautious display
to those whom never listen.


This was a miss for me. I just feel like you wrote way more lines than content delivered. It's a bit spastic... jumping from stanza to stanza, never clearly linking them and drawing them together. Felt more like a bunch of ideas that sort of sit near a central theme; instead of a piece where the ideas puzzle (verb?) themselves together.

I'd appreciate if you checked out: http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...d.php?t=1562642
-Zach
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Old 09-14-2012, 12:58 PM   #13
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I want to thank you for that read, it was absolutley lovely. The ambigiouity that's attached th e the words and the connection between them actually ties it together well, at least for me.
Enjoyed it very much
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