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Old 09-09-2012, 05:16 PM   #1
fenderdude06
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Location: New York
another written

this is my second attempt at writing something coherent. all criticisms are welcome, and leave me a link to your own writing and I'll return the favor.

(verse 1)
Listen to this tale of caution to all the young boys bossin'
try to live wild and styled but end up locked inside a coffin
lookin like a grown man (damn), but only actin like a child
they say mild, is the last thing i wanna be, they're in denial

(verse 2)
so they start hittin foul balls and makin some house calls
to bad dudes actin rude and drive their mamas up the walls
personal safety is at the bottom of their list of daily chores
lately waiting on the corner befriendin every fiend and *****

(chorus)
stuck in the same place
glued to this lifestyle
lost in the deepest maze
someday they might smile

when the light finally shines
and they use their best trick
that's their mind, god's gift
the great intelligent design

(verse 3)
then cops start watchin (watchin), gangsters try to off em' (off em)
but they don't seem to understand that only they can stop it
scoff it, too young and dumb to know their own potential
buying rims and chains and sticking grills up in their dental

(verse 4)
what would your mamma say? (laughs) all they want is paper
so they chase it but never embrace the wish of their creator
then joy turns to tears from living their life in constant fear
act like you know it all, but you never really knew the deal

(chorus)
stuck in the same place
glued to this lifestyle
lost in the deepest maze
someday they might smile

when the light finally shines
and they use their best trick
that's their mind, god's gift
the great intelligent design

(outro)
if you listened to my story and still found it to be boring
then you might be one of the poor souls in this category
but for those of you who chose to think and listen (listen)
keep success in your vision and make the right decision




the end.


If anyone can recommend a name for this song, let me know! thanks
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Old 09-09-2012, 05:51 PM   #2
dubstar92
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Yeah man, a giant leap forward. I'm not gonna claim it is perfect, but now you are at least saying something. This also seems to have ended up longer, which I think means you may have had an easier time, or more to say lol Call it Shorty Wanna Be A Thug... err. <_<

Here is my stuff on Soundcloud. http://soundcloud.com/iancahill777
Like I said I'm more on the production side, none of my stuff has really lyrics on it. Just a couple samples. Let me know how I you think I can improve my songs if you have any ideas. I hope it makes your subwoofer happy lol I think soundcloud compresses sound quality which kinda sucks though
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Last edited by dubstar92 : 09-09-2012 at 05:52 PM.
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Old 09-09-2012, 09:31 PM   #3
CGiff
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I like the verses, but the chorus needs some work. It seems a bit too generic, but paired to the right music it could work
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Old 09-10-2012, 03:21 AM   #4
Petey Cook
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Cool

A few constructive criticisms I'd like to point out:

First, before I get into it, it's not the worst I've seen.

Now...

Quote:
(verse 1)
Listen to this tale of caution to all the young boys bossin'
try to live wild and styled but end up locked inside a coffin


Look at that second line again. People don't get locked inside of coffins. A lock is for something that is meant to either have access from both sides, or keep something from getting out. So unless by "coffins" you mean "door" or you're talking about vampires, say "nailed inside a coffin" or "shut inside a coffin". Sorry that was long-winded, but pay attention to the words you use.

Quote:
lookin like a grown man (damn), but only actin like a child
they say mild, is the last thing i wanna be, they're in denial


Get rid of the "damn". You don't need it for the flow of this. Also, you don't need a comma after "mild". That also ruins the flow. As I said about words above, take care to look after your punctuation. That's very important too.

Quote:
(verse 2)
so they start hittin foul balls and makin some house calls
to bad dudes actin rude and drive their mamas up the walls
personal safety is at the bottom of their list of daily chores
lately waiting on the corner befriendin every fiend and *****


First, the first two lines are decent. They have good flow. Now, do me a favor and read the entire stanza out loud. Even though the third line looks the same as the first two, length-wise, it's REALLY awkward. It completely ruins the flow. If you read it out loud, without trying to sing it to a beat, just straight reading it, you'll see.

Also, as far as rhymes go, they're awesome and all, but don't sacrifice your flow for the sake of the rhyme. Just look at how fluid the first two lines of that stanza are, and then look at how awkward the second two lines are.

Quote:
(chorus)
stuck in the same place
glued to this lifestyle
lost in the deepest maze
someday they might smile

when the light finally shines
and they use their best trick
that's their mind, god's gift
the great intelligent design


Again, about punctuation, why does there need to be a space there? You're allowed to have more than four lines in a row.

Quote:
(verse 3)
then cops start watchin (watchin), gangsters try to off em' (off em)
but they don't seem to understand that only they can stop it
scoff it, too young and dumb to know their own potential
buying rims and chains and sticking grills up in their dental


One last note and then I'm gonna give you some general notes. See how your chorus ends on a hopeful note, but the verse just cuts back to the same not-hopeful tone as the beginning? That kinda throws us, because it's like the song is starting all over again. You're repeating yourself, basically.

Anyway. I hope that gives you some specifics to work on. These aren't great, by any stretch of the imagination, but you had some good flow going there. You ruined it, but you can fix it. Just read your stuff out loud and really concentrate on what it is you're truly trying to say so that you don't just end up repeating yourself or sounding dumb.

Rock On
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Old 09-10-2012, 05:23 PM   #5
fenderdude06
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@petey cook

Thank you so much for the criticism. I could definitely tell that a few of my lines were out of symc with the rest, but could not figure out how to fix them.

As for the verse after the chorus, I didn't even think about the fact that it went from a hopeful mood back to somber. Maybe I should change the chorus? I just didn't want the whole song to seem so bleak, honestly. But you just opened my mind up to a whole different facet of writing in terms of managing the rise and fall of the mood of the song.


Thanks again!
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Old 09-11-2012, 03:05 AM   #6
Petey Cook
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Cool

Glad I could help. Just think of the song as we hear it: from start to finish. So there has to be a beginning middle and end, because we can't really jump between parts. So it can start bad (mood-wise) and then get better and then get hopeful. Or the other way around. Whichever you prefer.

Keep writing.

And always read your stuff out loud to yourself. It's kinda fun. And it helps. So best of both worlds.

Rock On
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