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Old 09-04-2012, 06:49 PM   #1
seventh_angel
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
 
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When We Remember The Smell

[I have absolutely no opinion about this. I'm tired, but felt like writing, and this came out. I may hate this tomorrow.]

There's a crossroad between
the ghost dunghill and the beach,
where the smell of tang hovers putrid.
Each of us hide behind newly painted walls
as a façade of beauty.
When alone, we look up, in dread
that dreams of mansions crumble on our heads.

...and all the skies we have met
lacked unpredictability.

If at least the sea wasn't common to us,
we could be wandered by the sound of waves
and the might of tides.

Maybe submersed, the sky
acquires new tones of blue
and we forget the spoilt air we breathe.
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Old 09-06-2012, 03:11 PM   #2
Madzää
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I really enjoyed the last two stanzas of this piece! I wasn´t too sure about the second stanza, the word "unpredictability" just doesn´t really fit, at least to my ears. Also, I have a hard time getting the meaning of this stanza. I don´t think that this is quite on par with "Character", partly because I have a harder time getting and understanding what you mean in this piece, because some of your pictures appear to be lost on me, really. But I still like the feeling you captured here, and I´m looking forward to seeing more of your stuff!
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Old 09-07-2012, 10:47 AM   #3
seventh_angel
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Yeah, I see what you mean. Unpredictability is a big word and it may ruin the flow, but there's not quite the synonym to it; at least not with the exact same meaning. This is kind of personal, in a way that uses images I am used to see; it may be too personal to be fully understanded by others.

Thank you for your comment !
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Old 09-07-2012, 01:43 PM   #4
designerpajamas
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"...and all the skies we have met
lacked unpredictability."

was my favorite part, actually. I also liked "Each of us hide behind newly painted walls"...made me think of two ex-lovers running into each other with all their new clothes and new hair and new make-up, new attitude, trying to one-up each other on giving off an aura of "I'm fine without you actually"... I found the last two stanzas kind of "meh" but if you do trash this piece, please save the two lines I mentioned. They're worthy of further exploration.
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Old 09-08-2012, 10:26 AM   #5
seventh_angel
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It's curious, because I usually write about relationships between people, and that thought could easily be associated in my other pieces, but on this one, that wasn't quite the point; but since its meaning is kind of abstract, it's nice to see that you gave your own meaning to this piece

Thank you for your comment.
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Old 09-10-2012, 04:40 AM   #6
Petey Cook
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Cool

What's a "ghost dunghill"? Is it like, where dung beetles go when they die?

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Old 09-10-2012, 06:37 AM   #7
seventh_angel
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No no, it's kind of a heap of stuff, like food or fecal matter. A ghost dunghill is a heap of stuff, like food or fecal matter, that is abandoned or haunted. Didn't think a lot about it, it's just the image I have of a place I know.

Last edited by seventh_angel : 09-10-2012 at 07:22 AM.
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Old 09-11-2012, 03:01 AM   #8
Petey Cook
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Cool

Well, in that case, I guess I'll do the rest of your song the same respect and not think a lot about it.

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