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Old 09-11-2012, 01:11 PM   #1
Factor13x
Use Your Imagination
 
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Marion, Indiana
To The Grave

I've got pages upon pages of lyrics that I never show to anyone so I figured its about time I start showing. This is my most recent song that I'm working on writing music for.

To The Grave
each step i take is just one step closer to the grave
im going deeper
there is no getting out
ive reached the point of no return

sit and rot and let my bones be preserved
my fingers bleed, my nails recede
as i claw my way back to reality
the midnight moon shines upon me
as if to say im better this way

and out of everything
i begin to see that im dying

i cry out to the night
but no one hears my plea
im begging, im begging, im begging to be free
but i keep going back to the grave

my sin keeps pulling me
pulling me back to the way i was
i try to change yet i stay the same
i try to change but i refuse to leave this way

i cry out to the night
but no one hears my plea
im begging, im begging, im begging to be free
but i keep going back to the grave

with each step i take my life fades away
with each breath my life is saved

i have cried out
and you have heard my plea
im being freed, im being set free
but as i walk away i find myself going back to the grave
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Lyrics:
To The Grave
The Marionette
Our Last Dance
DaVinci Would Be Jealous
An Angel No More

Gear:
Jackson DKXT Dinky
Silver Star Semi-Hollow Body
Peavey Vypyr 30w, 1 x 12 Combo Amp
Korg Nanopad
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Old 09-13-2012, 01:24 AM   #2
Petey Cook
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Cool

Lemme take the first few parts of this song and give you a few comments.

Quote:
each step i take is just one step closer to the grave
im going deeper
there is no getting out
ive reached the point of no return

sit and rot and let my bones be preserved
my fingers bleed, my nails recede
as i claw my way back to reality
the midnight moon shines upon me
as if to say im better this way

and out of everything
i begin to see that im dying


First, you have a knack for rhythm. The second stanza has a lot of really good flow and internal rhyming. And while the imagery is cliche, you really nailed in the way you've presented it.

Second, and here's the bad news, you've only said one thing: "I begin to see that I'm dying" The last line says, concisely, what you've said it every line before it. If you read back through every line before it, they all say the exact same thing: "I'm decaying/dying."

So you have a really good natural ability to put words together, I just think that you haven't zeroed in on what you're trying to say.

Rock On
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Old 09-13-2012, 09:11 AM   #3
Factor13x
Use Your Imagination
 
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Marion, Indiana
@Petey Cook thanks for the crit. I know that a lot of imagery comes off cliche and all and ive tried to get better at avoiding that but for some reason it always sticks with me lol and thanks for pointing out that i have good rhythm its good to hear that every once in awhile so you know youre not crazy

if it helps in anyway im working on writing the guitar for this piece and its heavy. im playing it in Drop B and it has a very Amarna Reign feel to it if you've ever heard of them. so the whole intention of this song is to be screamed except for the chorus.
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Lyrics:
To The Grave
The Marionette
Our Last Dance
DaVinci Would Be Jealous
An Angel No More

Gear:
Jackson DKXT Dinky
Silver Star Semi-Hollow Body
Peavey Vypyr 30w, 1 x 12 Combo Amp
Korg Nanopad
Factor13x is offline   Reply With Quote
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