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Old 09-12-2012, 09:35 PM   #1
ZanasCross
C(k)=Epsilon(ijk)A(i)B(j)
 
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Excommunication

The heavens fracture along the meridian,
the place where clouds go to die.
From the horizon, the sea below parts.
Foam and smoke,
magma and water crashing against invisible hands.

Galilleo rises from the crevice,
a telescope to his eye;
peering toward the coast.
He hopes to spot Moses with a raised staff,
chanting to the God who opens the sky
and caresses the waters.

But he spies nothing;
save an oncoming cloud of darkness and
four horsemen carrying seven golden seals;
humming gentle songs about swallowing the world.
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Old 09-14-2012, 05:57 PM   #2
Arthur Curry
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man this was excellent
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Old 09-14-2012, 07:52 PM   #3
kdownes
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You still are one of the few writers on here that is so incredibly confident and consistent with their style. Even without your username next to this, I would've known it was you. It's a style I at times don't enjoy as much as I feel I should, usually with the shorter pieces like this. There's a lot here I like, but it never hits me, never holds on to me. It doesn't leave an impression, I guess I'm trying to say.
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Old 09-15-2012, 06:22 PM   #4
ali.guitarkid7
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Glad to see you posting again, this is so good.
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Old 09-17-2012, 10:25 AM   #5
Factor13x
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dude this is awesome! i love the imagery at the end about the four horsemen. good work man.
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Old 09-17-2012, 11:28 PM   #6
Bleed Away
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Thank you very much for critiquing "Home"

Quote:
Originally Posted by ZanasCross
The heavens fracture along the meridian,
the place where clouds go to die.
From the horizon, the sea below parts.
Foam and smoke,
magma and water crashing against invisible hands.

The first two lines are absolutely captivating, but after those two lines you destructed the flow and rhythm of the stanza by virtue of you placing a full-stop after "parts.".
In my opinion I think the last three lines should read like this:

The sea parts from the horizon below;
magma and water are crashing against invisible hands:
foam and smoke.

Something to that effect.



Galilleo rises from the crevice,
a telescope to his eye;
peering toward the coast.
He hopes to spot Moses with a raised staff,
chanting to the God who opens the sky
and caresses the waters.

Replace the semi-colon after "eye" with a comma. "Peering towards" reads in a more correct manner. I think, for the penultimate line in this stanza, you should add "whom is" (or something similar) after the word "chanting" and replace "God who" with "God that", in order to reduce ambiguity.


But he spies nothing;
save an oncoming cloud of darkness and
four horsemen carrying seven golden seals;
humming gentle songs about swallowing the world.

Replace the semi-colons after "nothing" and "seals" with a comma. With the final line, adding the word "while" after "humming" would make it read a bit better in my opinion.


Overall, I enjoyed this. There's really nothing wrong with this - my suggestions were almost entirely about trying to make this piece read in a more fluid/tighter manner
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Old 09-19-2012, 09:55 PM   #7
josephdavischen
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man this was excellent
[IMG]*********************************/chenc1.jpg[/IMG]
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