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Old 09-27-2012, 06:02 PM   #1
Cobrevolution
non sum qualis eram
 
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rose shaped glasses

i owe crits. i know this. but i'm continuing my tuesday-saturday drinking binge tonight and may or may not be coherent when i get back. also i want to play smash pretty badly as well as work on these bass pinch harmonics. so much to do.

lips drawn together you kneeled around your floor
painting and cocking eyebrows and saying this is SHIT she is a ****
flipping channels talking talking talking stretching canvas
i tried to read but mostly watched you and when i was in the yard
retching and pantless i stopped slipping no longer feeling like an animal
because it warmed me to etch song lyrics into your vertebrae
got me thinking you should have warned me you saw arguing as foreplay
other nights crawled by and i would stall leaving
your breathing and softness always opposing me making me want to stay
i mean opposed
you make me tense and force me to change them too
we were part of the past imperfect
i do
you donít
he she or it didnít matter
we couldnít
you and they couldnít
thus placing us exactly where i didnít want us to be
with faces full of resentment or numb
tonight i lost again the fat hipster girl sunk the eight in the corner
now pool cues develop your hands wrapped around them and your droopy eyes
languidly blinking up at me with want or wait
so i have to walk away only to see stockings and boots shrink
take on your ass and swaying gait
and others will ask me why i wrote this and iíll tell them
the only way to kill the terrible memories i have
are to preserve the great ones
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Old 09-27-2012, 07:01 PM   #2
seventh_angel
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
 
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I'll return to this, but I'll say that I didn't like this that much, mostly because I think it's all over the place. Later tonight I'll try to properly critique this.
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Old 09-27-2012, 08:39 PM   #3
smartalecG94
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As far as subject and emotion, I agree with seventh_angel about it being all over the place (sorry didnt catch your name angel? mines alec). I think there are some clever lines throughout, one of my favorites being "because it warmed me to etch song lyrics into your vertebrae". I do think it needs refining though, and the scattered choice lines need to be brought together by a cohesive idea instead of just a rambling page.
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Old 09-27-2012, 11:26 PM   #4
seventh_angel
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Yeah, so the problem with this is that it's really scattered, and it's overly cathartic. I feel you were basically writing shit down; whatever came to your mind, and though you come up with some fine lines here, there's also segments that feel purposeless to us common readers. Also, the lack of punctuation makes it even harder to read and to connect.

I'd like to tell you which lines were really good to me, besides the one Alec pointed out (name's Andre btw).

"got me thinking you should have warned me you saw arguing as foreplay" was really good as a continuation of the previous line.

"we were part of the past imperfect" is an amazing line that was kind of ruined by what came after it. I saw what you were trying to do, but it didn't quite work for me.

"placing us exactly where i didnít want us to be
with faces full of resentment or numb
" is another great segment.

"the only way to kill the terrible memories i have
are to preserve the great ones
" is a fantastic way to end this.

Unfortunately, I didn't care that much for the rest of this, but at the same time, I feel like you wrote this for yourself to deal with whatever's haunting your mind at the moment. I hope you solve it Rob.
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Old 10-25-2012, 11:01 PM   #5
longtian006
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The only thing that i didn't like was the repetition of 'now' it seemed a bit forced.
It's short and strong











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Old 11-07-2012, 01:06 PM   #6
vintage x metal
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your images in this are stellar. I think the 'tense' idea could be done with a little more grace but I love where you're going with it. you should write a lot of these and then when you're done with her make one big piece out of all of it, when it's not so sore you know? you won't always be so sore I promise - but keep writing while you are.
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