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Old 09-21-2012, 05:56 PM   #1
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Always Be Me(poem)

It's been a while since I've posted anything so I thought I'd post one of the first poems I've written. Tell me what you think

Dark days, bright nights
Sitting here in the pale moonlight
The breeze sweeps past my feet and I think of all you'll need
and how I'll never be that way, 'cause everyday it's all the same

6:25, the first thing on my mind
the better love,more deserving of
(you know it will always just be me)

Getting cold in my heart, and cold outside
so let's sit by the fire sometime
Watch the leaves fall down and crash inside me
only you made me feel so highly

Feel your hair touch my face
Feel as I fall from grace
You clipped my wings and shut me out
because all I do is **** around

This feeling isn't new
I'd go through hell for you
But I just sit around and watch the 'tube
because I got nothing better to do

Skin is dry, feeling dead inside
no light in my eyes, still feeling cold inside
I'll find a stream, find a lake
find someplace to suffocate

Cold water cycles down
to a place where my bodies found
New water, new life
new light being born inside

Watch the news,get a grip
feel your focus start to slip
Finally realize you were wrong
That I was there all along

The one you loved
The one you need
you know it will always just be me
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WildMiles96 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-22-2012, 04:47 PM   #2
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Join Date: Feb 2012
I really enjoyed this! The rhyming, and internal rhymes especially were brilliant and didn't seem forced. The ending was perfect and fitted really well. If there was one thing I'd criticise it would be these two lines:
But I just sit around and watch the 'tube
because I got nothing better to do

It seems overly cliched and overused, but that's just my opinion

Check out some of my work if you have a chance!
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