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Old 09-22-2012, 11:34 PM   #1
MarshmallowPies
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My wild first stab at writing lyrics, feedback and suggestions please?

I've been playing guitar for a while and am trying to dive deeper into writing my own songs and join a band next year. My own stuff is short instrumental songs since I don't sing, in a lo-fi fuzz/noise rock style (I'm hugely inspired by Cloud Nothings, Best Coast and early shoegaze music such as Swirlies right now). I thought for the hell of it I'd give writing lyrics a try, even though they will probably never make it into one of my own songs.

I wrote this in the last 15 minutes. There were a lot of storm clouds in the sky today and I was particularly missing my long-distance boyfriend, so that's basically what inspired it.


rains down a window
rhythm streaking past
moving out of vision
dripping into past

eye can't see you
somehow you're still there
chased like racing droplets
captured by my stare

waiting clouds gather
pouring out their patterns
hourglasses raining
and it's draining

can't stop the raining
it's so draining...
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Old 09-23-2012, 01:08 AM   #2
DisasterMatt
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gave me a new concept of time. I like it. if you like writing, write. simple as that i really like the lyrics. if they're ever in a song, that'd be cool. unlimit yourself
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Old 09-23-2012, 01:31 AM   #3
MarshmallowPies
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Originally Posted by DisasterMatt
gave me a new concept of time. I like it. if you like writing, write. simple as that i really like the lyrics. if they're ever in a song, that'd be cool. unlimit yourself


thank you, and that's awesome advice
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Play the music, not the instrument. ~Author Unknown

Quote:
blackzeppelion
Who's the band that could become the next led zeppelin?

Quote:
Ovenman
Iron blimp.

Quote:
J.A.M
Aluminum helicopter.

Quote:
Ovenman
*Breaks out periodic table* Magnesium bi-plane.
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Old 09-23-2012, 02:12 AM   #4
GuitarQ33r0
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Great song it has some great imagery keep writing short songs like this and try to improve as much as you can. Also consider adding some repetition in your song as long as you do it tastefully it can be useful to show emotion. Look up Led Zeppelin's "Baby I'm going to leave you" and listen how much emotion he put into just singing "baby."

If you are serious about writing songs keep a small notebook with you to write in when you have inspirational moments like that because that's when you write your best songs. Like Bruce Lee said "Out of chaos, find simplicity, From discord, find harmony." and musicians do that through music.
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Last edited by GuitarQ33r0 : 09-23-2012 at 02:20 AM.
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Old 09-23-2012, 03:57 AM   #5
Petey Cook
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Cool

The first two stanzas are really good. The second two parts aren't so great. It's a little like you ran out of ways to say the same thing. I also was a little thrown off by the lack of clear punctuation. I'm not saying everything has to be spelled out for us, punctuation wise, but you do have to know the rules to break them.

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Old 09-24-2012, 10:00 PM   #6
lububble17
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Great! I love the creativity
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Old 09-25-2012, 05:58 PM   #7
Fredmac12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MarshmallowPies


rains down a window
rhythm streaking past
moving out of vision
dripping into past

This first stanza is good, not too sure on the repetition of 'past' though

eye can't see you
somehow you're still there
chased like racing droplets
captured by my stare

I like this stanza too, the imagery is good, again not too sure on the rhyming it seems a bit forced, and a bit simple and in my opinion actually makes the lyrics worse

waiting clouds gather
pouring out their patterns
hourglasses raining
and it's draining

I like the 'pouring out their patterns' line, I'm not that sure about the last two lines I don't really understand what they're trying to say

can't stop the raining
it's so draining...

Quite a nice ending, but using the same rhyme straight after the other one makes it seem very unimaginative!



Overall I liked the ideas behind this, and it shows some promise, but there are (as pointed out) parts where I feel it's a little forced and simple. Good work though, and if you like writing lyrics, keep doing it! Simple as that.

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