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Old 09-14-2012, 08:39 PM   #1
NarwhalG2G
They're Red Hot
 
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Truth Amplified

Tell me what you guys think, I wrote this straight from my heart.

I cut my heart open
can you see my blood
the things I cannot
help but love
a gift straight from
the sky above
the trait of my mind
you're all that I think of
and it feels so out of line

(chorus)
And I want to break away
away from my own thoughts
and I want to show today
the inside of my head
and it feels heavy as lead
and I think that I'm dead
and across the ice I have tread
and I would do it again
because I haven't said
just what I mean

What I feel
it feels so wrong
and I always
seal my own fate
I could be too late
I hope not,
but I'll still cast my lots.

(chorus)

(bridge)
Hey, what can I say
the ground on which I lay
is fading away
today was gonna be the day
but I called it off.
I tried to lie, but the truth amplified.
and I see another side
while I just sit and bide.

I thought I knew
but that wasn't true
I know what I want to do
but I don't have the guts,
and I just want to lose myself
and find my life inside your health
in your heart I desire to dwell
don't let me down, this I tell you
please don't let me break it through
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Old 09-22-2012, 07:49 PM   #2
NarwhalG2G
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Not one to bump my own posts, but I need to know something, guys.
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Old 09-22-2012, 09:31 PM   #3
culex-knight
mon titre d'utilisateur
 
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Location: In the bucket at the end of time.
You could try critiquing or commenting on others' work if you haven't already.

It's also difficult to critique lyrics without context (imo). You miss an entire creative demonstration that is MEANT to go hand in hand with the words.

Like,

"and I want to show today
the inside of my head
and it feels heavy as lead
and I think that I'm dead
and across the ice I have tread
and I would do it again"

You're saying you want to show today what you're thinking/feeling, that 'it' feels heavy? that you think you're dead? that ... something, across the ice (path metaphor here, maybe)? I don't even know what you're talking about at this point, and it's especially noticeable on the ice line.

Similar inconsistencies happen often, "I thought I knew/but that wasn't true"-- what did you know? There isn't even any room for implication. Etc.

(Sorry if this seems a bit harsh, but you wanted something.)
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いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


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Old 09-22-2012, 09:42 PM   #4
NarwhalG2G
They're Red Hot
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by culex-knight
You could try critiquing or commenting on others' work if you haven't already.

It's also difficult to critique lyrics without context (imo). You miss an entire creative demonstration that is MEANT to go hand in hand with the words.

Like,

"and I want to show today
the inside of my head
and it feels heavy as lead
and I think that I'm dead
and across the ice I have tread
and I would do it again"

You're saying you want to show today what you're thinking/feeling, that 'it' feels heavy? that you think you're dead? that ... something, across the ice (path metaphor here, maybe)? I don't even know what you're talking about at this point, and it's especially noticeable on the ice line.

Similar inconsistencies happen often, "I thought I knew/but that wasn't true"-- what did you know? There isn't even any room for implication. Etc.

(Sorry if this seems a bit harsh, but you wanted something.)

Not harsh at all, it's a criticism and it's all accepted.
To make it more clear, it was about falling in love when I didn't want to. I kind of meant for it to be obscure, so it was accomplished but a bit too much. Thanks for the opinion!
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Old 09-24-2012, 10:07 PM   #5
lububble17
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Dude I am so jealous! as far as I know your skills are amazing! i love this. keep it up!
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Old 09-25-2012, 12:19 AM   #6
NarwhalG2G
They're Red Hot
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lububble17
Dude I am so jealous! as far as I know your skills are amazing! i love this. keep it up!

Thanks, haha.
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