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Old 09-23-2012, 04:25 PM   #1
Mean Mr Mustard
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: RVA
Looking for beginner's feedback

So this is my first time here, I'm just looking for beginners advice on my lyrics. I've written quite a lot but never actually shown anyone or received feedback, so here are some of the recent things I've written, it'd be very appreciated if you gave them a look and provided some constructive feedback. I will do my best to c4c if you'd like. Thanks everybody


Hydro Lines

You are focused in black and white
Muscles tensed up, Iím dying tonight
And typically itís me, Iím quiet around you
But you are blacked out in turn tonight

I'm fixing my hurt tonight
With pictures of her and I
I shouldíve ripped my heart out in ninety-nine
So I wouldnít have felt her eyes
And I would've been open wide

You are tranquil with glossy eyes
You are bearing your cross tonight
And Iím just waving my flag up high
But I am blacked out on you tonight
You are manic with hydro lines



Waver

Blue dreams, cloud over me, you beauty of seventeen
I'll kiss you in my dreams only if you'll let me

I feel you coming over me. Faint dreams, blue rain I'd see
Waver, it's only me. Wake up, you're all I see.



Eyes like Diamonds

Wyndham stars never shined all that bright for us

And I think I use words too advanced for my vocabulary
And I think I paint myself up on the wall like a saint but Iím a sinner

Youíd always hint this in warm summer night rides
But I never saw it coming
I just watched it pass through fogged breathes and locked chests
And it left me breathless

Never before would I have felt that empty tilt
I hope everything ends up okay for me
I hope everything ends up okay for you



Canal Walk

Well it was only a sinner who came through my open door. I can't feel a thing anymore
Well itís about time that you learned that you can't change our worth to anything that you make it seem

Your claws they clenched and turned me to a callous contender, and I can't feel a thing no more
But Iíve never seen such beauty living in my dreams or this ugly world

Always casting me off, you always come to show
You'll always just let me go, you never get so close
Always casting me off, you always come to show
You'll always just let me go, you never get so close
No, no, no


Thanks guys, and if you want, I have midi versions of these songs with music and vocal melodies planned out that I can post
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Old 09-24-2012, 02:40 AM   #2
Petey Cook
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Cool

Well, according to forum rules, one song at a time. So let's only comment on the first one and we'll ignore the rest, yeah? (Meaning, delete the rest and post them one day at a time.)

Quote:
Hydro Lines

You are focused in black and white
Muscles tensed up, Iím dying tonight

- Hard to understand who you're referring to, with this punctuation

And typically itís me, Iím quiet around you
But you are blacked out in turn tonight

- Not bad, but I'm still not entirely sure what you're trying to say. I'm not sure what "black out in turn" means.

I'm fixing my hurt tonight
With pictures of her and I
I shouldíve ripped my heart out in ninety-nine
So I wouldnít have felt her eyes
And I would've been open wide

- Again, a decent start, but in the end, what exactly are you trying to say? Especially the last line. I feel like it's a swing and a miss. It just doesn't fit, nor add to the rest of what you've said.

You are tranquil with glossy eyes
You are bearing your cross tonight
And Iím just waving my flag up high
But I am blacked out on you tonight
You are manic with hydro lines

- I feel like here you're just forcing cliche imagery. Especially the last line. What are hydro lines? I'm not really sure you know, so I really can't know. That's how it comes across.


I just feel like a lot of this is forced. Like you have an idea of what you're trying to say, but you shoe-horn a lot of rhymes in there just to make it feel right. And in the end, it doesn't feel right.

- Pete
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Old 09-24-2012, 11:56 AM   #3
Mean Mr Mustard
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Location: RVA
Quote:
Originally Posted by Petey Cook
Well, according to forum rules, one song at a time. So let's only comment on the first one and we'll ignore the rest, yeah? (Meaning, delete the rest and post them one day at a time.)

I just feel like a lot of this is forced. Like you have an idea of what you're trying to say, but you shoe-horn a lot of rhymes in there just to make it feel right. And in the end, it doesn't feel right.

- Pete

Thanks for looking at it. And to clear it up, hydro is short for hydrocodone, to go with the drug theme throughout it, and "blacked out" also refers to that theme. I get what you're saying with "forced" though, like I said, I'm just a beginner.

Also, didn't realize the posting limits, I figured it would be like the recordings subforum, my bad. I'm not trying to get help on a piece though per se, just my writing in general.
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