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Old 09-25-2012, 10:18 AM   #1
Fredmac12
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Unseen by the unseen

Very different to my other pieces, thought I'd try something else.


And all will hear, but hear nothing
All seeing but all blind,
For here and there unaware so fair
'tis unfair to be aware of the beauty therein
Yet to be hidden's, a good riddance
To the fairness she would bring*
So farewell, goodnight
To the light bestowed into my sight
For to be unseen by the one unseen by all,
So humbled.

Comments, criticisms all welcomed, C4C if you leave a link!
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Old 09-25-2012, 12:01 PM   #2
Factor13x
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i like this a lot. the contradicting aspects give it a sort of tension that makes the emotions come more alive and stand out. good work.
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Old 09-25-2012, 02:15 PM   #3
crazysam23_Atax
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I greatly enjoyed that! I liked how it seemed to simultaneously contradict and then reconnect with itself.
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Old 09-25-2012, 05:48 PM   #4
Fredmac12
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Thanks! I am a fan of trying to use contradicting things, paradoxes, impossibilities etc... If you have any thing you want me to take a look at leave a link
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Old 09-25-2012, 07:32 PM   #5
BjarnedeGraaf
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im not a big fan of the hidden's/riddance line. I might be wrong and im not good at deciphering deep words like these, but that seemed a forced rhyme to me.

other than that particular line, I thought the rest was amazing
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Old 09-27-2012, 07:58 AM   #6
Fredmac12
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I didn't feel that rhyme was forced actually, imo it's genuinely what I was trying to say, but thanks for the feedback!
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Old 09-27-2012, 09:16 PM   #7
smartalecG94
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I really enjoyed the constant rhyme, often more than once for the same sound. To be honest I had to read it twice to really comprehend it, which is due more to my own scatterbrainedness than anything on your part. It's a good piece by me

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Old 09-29-2012, 01:21 PM   #8
Fredmac12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by smartalecG94
I really enjoyed the constant rhyme, often more than once for the same sound. To be honest I had to read it twice to really comprehend it, which is due more to my own scatterbrainedness than anything on your part. It's a good piece by me

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If you had to read it twice, that's just what I was after with this piece! Thanks, I'll take a look at your work when I'm on my computer not my phone
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