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Old 09-30-2012, 02:09 PM   #1
diseasedtrees
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Continents and Moons

These are some lyrics to a new project I'm making. I know it's somewhat hard to pick up the rhythm without hearing the actual song. I feel like the lyrics need something more. Yeah I'll C4C (even though my criticism doesn't matter much because I have no idea what I'm doing.) Thanks!

Inexperience is the only experience
flooding up the vacant space within a body
Inexplicably filling up on emptiness
Falling knee deep in a stomach which is miles beneath

and
lifeless words will leak out of the mouth
And begin to hang heavy in the air
Broadcasters imply then infer what’s been inferred
But not every voice has a heart not every sound will be heard

microscopic manifestations of dissipation
exemplify the ties behind eyes following disintegration
Corroding like hopes in parades fading beneath acidic rain
Or dreams of space and time intertwining on a single line

But I won't believe that I'm in disbelief
I won't believe I'm in disbelief
I won't believe I'm in disbelief
I'll believe I'm not in disbelief

Last edited by diseasedtrees : 09-30-2012 at 02:17 PM.
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Old 09-30-2012, 05:13 PM   #2
剣 斧 血
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Quote:
Originally Posted by diseasedtrees

Inexperience is the only experience
Flooding up the vacant space within a body
Inexplicably filling up on emptiness
Falling knee deep in a stomach which is miles beneath

I took out the 'and' below, don't know if that was part of the lyrics but if it is I think it's better with out. I don't think that inexplicably fits too well there. I'd suggest changing it for a suitable synonym but lyrically speaking it could work as just 'Filling up on emptiness' but that may change the rhythm you've established.

Lifeless words will leak out of the mouth
And begin to hang heavy in the air
Broadcasters imply then infer what’s been inferred
But not every voice has a heart not every sound will be heard

I think line 2 and 3 of this stanza may benefit from being changed or shortened to 'And hang heavy in the air' and 'Broadcaster imply then infer' and straight on to the next line. I like line 4.

Microscopic manifestations of dissipation
Exemplify the ties behind eyes following disintegration
Corroding like hopes in parades fading beneath acidic rain
Or dreams of space and time intertwining on a single line

I like this stanza lyrically, but I'm not sure if it fits completely with the rhythm so I'll leave this one to you since you know the rhythm.

But I won't believe that I'm in disbelief
I won't believe I'm in disbelief
I won't believe I'm in disbelief
I'll believe I'm not in disbelief

I like the first 3 lines of this last piece, the last line doesn't sit so well with me for some reason. Perhaps a variant of the same kind of phrase would make it sit better.


Overall, I like the piece lyrically. But I do wonder at what the actual rhythm is, perhaps when you've recorded it you can upload a link?

And you should start trying to critique as well, it'll help you with your own lyrics. Here's a short piece of mine: End Of September It's very different from your's but practice is practice.
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It didn't take long to realise
The safest place was not her arms, but her eyes
Where she can't see you
For her gaze, it blisters;
Grey skin to cinders

Last edited by 剣 斧 血 : 09-30-2012 at 05:16 PM.
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Old 10-01-2012, 11:27 AM   #3
treborillusion
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I liked what I read which was this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by diseasedtrees
Inexperience is the only experience
flooding up the vacant space within a body
Inexplicably filling up on emptiness

You lost me at knee caps, glanced at
Quote:
Originally Posted by diseasedtrees
But I won't believe that I'm in disbelief
I won't believe I'm in disbelief
I won't believe I'm in disbelief
I'll believe I'm not in disbelief

liked it, and
Quote:
Originally Posted by diseasedtrees
acidic rain

caught my eye.



I don't even care about the c4c.
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Originally Posted by laid-to-waste
look nigga, if you're chillin with 5 bros and 2 hos, you're gonna wanna pay attention to all of em equally. not moon over the hos forever and laugh at every shitty thing they say and just stare at them all night, like some of my mates do.
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