06-06-2012, 09:20 PM
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#1 |
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Registered User
Join Date: Apr 2011
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First lyrics ever
Well these are literally the first lyrics I've ever written.
Very far from finished, also.. Will keep updating as I go along. UPDATED: Again I wake from these These nightmares of lust lacking finesse I'm heartlessly doting Over these dreams fading with consciousness Encumbered confusions turning your gaze Towards a light that renders you blind Contorted images summon no hope For the bliss beginning we left behind You'll flaunt the good! Never saw it coming Silence the bad! This is forever Remember youll never walk this path again! When the storm worn anchors pull you down To the bottom of the seas You'll gaze up bewildered At me rising from my knees Which do I choose? False heavens emerge from this hell Indifference is a gift I lack While locked in this decrepit shell! Envy stricken, Ego driven Words wasted on the pit of snakes Youve found yourself in You'll flaunt the good! We never saw this coming and Silence the bad! This is forever just remember youll never walk this path again Gazing upon this crimson sunrise Alone I've come to realise Our wrongs were always right Sung in an odd kind of rhythm, but like I said still needs heaps of work haha.. Last edited by corza334 : 06-25-2012 at 02:54 AM. |
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06-07-2012, 12:30 AM
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#2 |
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Registered User
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Canada
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For a first-timer this is actually pretty fantastic in terms of the lyrical quality. At least you appear to have a fairly developed sense of vocabulary and aren't just throwing words from a thesarus in where they don't belong... which is something I've seen quite a bit and still catch myself doing occasionally.
One very small exception may be the line "Faux heavens..." when you could have just said "False heavens...". Personally I feel that if you can say exactly what you mean using 'simpler' or more 'everyday' language without affecting the flow of the song, you should. Of course it may be that in this case your choice of wording flows better with the tune and feel of the song, but since I don't know that I figured I'd bring it up anyway. Good work though. |
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06-07-2012, 12:33 AM
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#3 |
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Registered User
Join Date: Apr 2011
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Thanks for the comment.
And you are right, I did have a few more flowery words in there, but it can feel to pretentious. I was also thinking that about "faux". Shall work on it more, thanks again! |
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06-07-2012, 09:06 AM
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#4 |
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Registered User
Join Date: Apr 2011
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Nightmares of love plague the guilty
Relentlessly doting Over dreams that fade with conciousness Encumbered confusion youll turn your gaze. Towards the light that blinds your heart Contorted! Cant see clear through this haze Flaunting your passion We never saw this coming Keeping the wrongs silent Cant stop me from plumetting When storm worn anchors drag us To the bottom of endless seas Still you wont stop to look At them falling to thier knees Which should I choose? False heavens emerge from this hell Indifference is a gift I lack Locked in this decrepit shell Envy stricken, Ego driven Words wasted on the pit of snakes Youve found yourself in Flaunting your passion We never saw this coming Keeping the wrongs silent Cant stop from plumetting The storm worn anchors drag us To the bottom of endless seas And there we'll realise Our wrongs were always right next iteration.. Its sung in a deftones like fashion.. Some verses are rapped, with an angsty feel. |
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06-08-2012, 02:31 AM
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#5 |
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UG Newbie
Join Date: Dec 2005
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For a first set of lyrics, these aren't bad. My one piece of advice for now is this: watch your pronouns. You have lots of first person (both plural and singular) as well as second person pronouns floating around and it's hard to make sense of it all. We need to know what "your" "me" "our" "we" are all referring to. Or else it just gets terribly confusing.
P.S. Don't tell us how it's sung. Either provide us an audio link or let it speak for itself. That's rule number one. Rock On Pete Last edited by Petey Cook : 06-08-2012 at 02:33 AM. |
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06-19-2012, 07:00 AM
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#6 | |
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Banned
Join Date: Jun 2012
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Quote:
amazing lyrics for beginners, hope to get to listen to this  |
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06-19-2012, 09:31 AM
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#7 |
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Releaser of Heavy Metal
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Niigata City, Japan
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Flaunt the good!
We never saw it coming Silence the bad! This is forever Remember youll never walk this path again! I like this part because it's dramatic. Congratulations on writing your first song |
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06-20-2012, 12:23 AM
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#8 |
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Registered User
Join Date: Apr 2011
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Thanks for the feedback guys, very appreciated.
I took a step back, and rethought about the "story" behind these lyrics. I keep waking from These nightmares of lust that lack finesse Heartlessly doting Over dreams that fade with conciousness With encumbered confusion, turn your gaze Towards the light that blinds your heart Contorted images call upon the last page Of a story you never wanted to end You'll flaunt the good! Never saw it coming Silence the bad! This is forever Remember youll never walk this path again! When the storm worn anchors drag you To the bottom of the sea Don't forget to look up At me falling to my knees Which should I choose? False heavens emerge from this hell Indifference is a gift I lack I'm locked in this decrepit wasteland! Envy stricken, Ego driven Words wasted on the pit of snakes Youve found yourself in You flaunt the good! Never saw it coming Silence the bad! This is forever Remember youll never walk this path again! But only then will realise Our wrongs were always right Last edited by corza334 : 06-20-2012 at 01:57 AM. |
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06-23-2012, 07:22 AM
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#9 |
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Registered User
Join Date: Apr 2011
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- updated OP again
Any more crits? |
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06-24-2012, 07:59 PM
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#10 | |
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UG's Only Dancing Mudkip
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Earth
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Quote:
All in all, pretty damn good for a first timer. Hopefully I get around the that second iteration another time. Have you considered making it a 2 part song? because unless it's gonna be 10 minutes or a really fast rap song, it's a lot of lyrics. Hey, C4C? My song should be on the front page, called "Poisoned".
__________________
Top 5 Album Covers |
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I like the flow of it. It really is nice.
) However the wording of it is good. Also, glad you changed it to false. |
06-24-2012, 10:57 PM
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#11 | ||||
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Registered User
Join Date: Apr 2011
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Very helpful! Will definitely C4C.
Quote:
I fixed that in the newest iteration Quote:
I have a free-verse fixation haha had to force myself to rhyme at all. I just thought it might fit there ;p Quote:
To be honest, the pit of snakes rose from trying to talk to someones 'friends'. Quote:
Thanks Will C4C yours after lunch! |
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06-25-2012, 02:57 AM
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#12 |
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Registered User
Join Date: Apr 2011
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Okay, possible final revision?
Again I wake from these These nightmares of lust lacking finesse I'm heartlessly doting Over these dreams fading with consciousness Encumbered confusions turning your gaze Towards a light that renders you blind Contorted images summon no hope For the bliss beginning we left behind You'll flaunt the good! Never saw it coming Silence the bad! This is forever Remember youll never walk this path again! When the storm worn anchors pull you down To the bottom of the seas You'll gaze up bewildered At me rising from my knees Which do I choose? False heavens emerge from this hell Indifference is a gift I lack While locked in this decrepit shell! Envy stricken, Ego driven Words wasted on the pit of snakes Youve found yourself in You'll flaunt the good! We never saw this coming and Silence the bad! This is forever just remember youll never walk this path again Gazing out this crimson dawn Alone I've come to realise Our wrongs were always right Also me and a friend think: You'll flaunt the good! Never saw it coming Silence the bad! This is forever Remember youll never walk this path again! needs more words.. so how about You'll keep flaunting the good! We never saw this coming You can't silence the bad! This is forever Remember youll never walk this path again! ? Last edited by corza334 : 06-25-2012 at 03:00 AM. |
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06-26-2012, 03:54 AM
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#13 |
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Registered User
Join Date: Jun 2012
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i like it as a poem/idea but remember, you have to think about how the words are going to feel in a melody
as in, how would you phrase "encumbered", for example, to make it flow out of someone's mouth in a song? complex words are good, but overly complex syllable combinations make things difficult i still like it though |
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06-28-2012, 02:36 PM
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#14 |
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Registered User
Join Date: Jun 2012
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Nice !!
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10-02-2012, 04:51 AM
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#15 | |
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UG'S sexaddict
Join Date: May 2012
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Sorry mate, I was going over my older lyrics I posted here and totally mist your C4C request.
I really like the lyrics, but I cant really wrap my finger around what kind of rhythm/melody/music style you want to add to this. If you should record this one day, I'll be interested in listening to it!
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