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Old 06-06-2012, 09:20 PM   #1
corza334
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Post First lyrics ever

Well these are literally the first lyrics I've ever written.

Very far from finished, also..

Will keep updating as I go along.

UPDATED:

Again I wake from these
These nightmares of lust lacking finesse
I'm heartlessly doting
Over these dreams fading with consciousness

Encumbered confusions turning your gaze
Towards a light that renders you blind
Contorted images summon no hope
For the bliss beginning we left behind

You'll flaunt the good!
Never saw it coming
Silence the bad!
This is forever
Remember youll never walk this path again!

When the storm worn anchors pull you down
To the bottom of the seas
You'll gaze up bewildered
At me rising from my knees

Which do I choose?
False heavens emerge from this hell
Indifference is a gift I lack
While locked in this decrepit shell!

Envy stricken, Ego driven
Words wasted on the pit of snakes
Youve found yourself in

You'll flaunt the good!
We never saw this coming
and Silence the bad!
This is forever
just remember youll never walk this path again

Gazing upon this crimson sunrise
Alone I've come to realise
Our wrongs were always right

Sung in an odd kind of rhythm, but like I said still needs heaps of work haha..

Last edited by corza334 : 06-25-2012 at 02:54 AM.
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Old 06-07-2012, 12:30 AM   #2
mojomike
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For a first-timer this is actually pretty fantastic in terms of the lyrical quality. At least you appear to have a fairly developed sense of vocabulary and aren't just throwing words from a thesarus in where they don't belong... which is something I've seen quite a bit and still catch myself doing occasionally.

One very small exception may be the line "Faux heavens..." when you could have just said "False heavens...". Personally I feel that if you can say exactly what you mean using 'simpler' or more 'everyday' language without affecting the flow of the song, you should. Of course it may be that in this case your choice of wording flows better with the tune and feel of the song, but since I don't know that I figured I'd bring it up anyway.

Good work though.
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Old 06-07-2012, 12:33 AM   #3
corza334
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Thanks for the comment.
And you are right, I did have a few more flowery words in there, but it can feel to pretentious. I was also thinking that about "faux".

Shall work on it more, thanks again!
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Old 06-07-2012, 09:06 AM   #4
corza334
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Nightmares of love plague the guilty
Relentlessly doting
Over dreams that fade with conciousness

Encumbered confusion youll turn your gaze.
Towards the light that blinds your heart
Contorted!
Cant see clear through this haze

Flaunting your passion
We never saw this coming
Keeping the wrongs silent
Cant stop me from plumetting

When storm worn anchors drag us
To the bottom of endless seas
Still you wont stop to look
At them falling to thier knees

Which should I choose?
False heavens emerge from this hell
Indifference is a gift I lack
Locked in this decrepit shell

Envy stricken, Ego driven
Words wasted on the pit of snakes
Youve found yourself in

Flaunting your passion
We never saw this coming
Keeping the wrongs silent
Cant stop from plumetting

The storm worn anchors drag us
To the bottom of endless seas
And there we'll realise
Our wrongs were always right

next iteration..
Its sung in a deftones like fashion.. Some verses are rapped, with an angsty feel.
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Old 06-08-2012, 02:31 AM   #5
Petey Cook
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Cool

For a first set of lyrics, these aren't bad. My one piece of advice for now is this: watch your pronouns. You have lots of first person (both plural and singular) as well as second person pronouns floating around and it's hard to make sense of it all. We need to know what "your" "me" "our" "we" are all referring to. Or else it just gets terribly confusing.

P.S. Don't tell us how it's sung. Either provide us an audio link or let it speak for itself. That's rule number one.

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Last edited by Petey Cook : 06-08-2012 at 02:33 AM.
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Old 06-19-2012, 07:00 AM   #6
piercemichelle4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by corza334
Well these are literally the first lyrics I've ever written.

Very far from finished, also..

Will keep updating as I go along.



Nightmares of love plague the guilty
Relentlessly doting
Over dreams that fade with conciousness

Encumbered confusion youll turn your gaze.
Towards the light that blinds your heart
Contorted, because nothings clear through this haze

Flaunt the good!
We never saw it coming
Silence the bad!
This is forever
Remember youll never walk this path again!

Which should I choose?
Faux heavens emerge from this hell
Indifference is a gift I lack
Locked in this decrepit shell

Envy stricken, Ego driven
Words wasted on the pit of snakes
That youve found yourself in

Flaunt the good!
We never saw this coming
Silence the bad!
This is forever
Please remember youll never walk this path again!


Sung in an odd kind of rhythm, but like I said still needs heaps of work haha.. really cool like korean clothes online



amazing lyrics for beginners, hope to get to listen to this
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Old 06-19-2012, 09:31 AM   #7
Jahan Honma
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Flaunt the good!
We never saw it coming
Silence the bad!
This is forever
Remember youll never walk this path again!

I like this part because it's dramatic. Congratulations on writing your first song
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Old 06-20-2012, 12:23 AM   #8
corza334
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Thanks for the feedback guys, very appreciated.

I took a step back, and rethought about the "story" behind these lyrics.

I keep waking from
These nightmares of lust that lack finesse
Heartlessly doting
Over dreams that fade with conciousness

With encumbered confusion, turn your gaze
Towards the light that blinds your heart
Contorted images call upon the last page
Of a story you never wanted to end

You'll flaunt the good!
Never saw it coming
Silence the bad!
This is forever
Remember youll never walk this path again!

When the storm worn anchors drag you
To the bottom of the sea
Don't forget to look up
At me falling to my knees

Which should I choose?
False heavens emerge from this hell
Indifference is a gift I lack
I'm locked in this decrepit wasteland!

Envy stricken, Ego driven
Words wasted on the pit of snakes
Youve found yourself in

You flaunt the good!
Never saw it coming
Silence the bad!
This is forever
Remember youll never walk this path again!

But only then will realise
Our wrongs were always right

Last edited by corza334 : 06-20-2012 at 01:57 AM.
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Old 06-23-2012, 07:22 AM   #9
corza334
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- updated OP again Any more crits?
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Old 06-24-2012, 07:59 PM   #10
gateway01
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Quote:
Originally Posted by corza334
Thanks for the feedback guys, very appreciated.

I took a step back, and rethought about the "story" behind these lyrics.

I keep waking from
These nightmares of lust that lack finesse
Heartlessly doting
Over dreams that fade with consciousness <--typo fixed!

I like it. I just hope the syllable patterns fall into place in the actual song, as they seem strange to me.

With encumbered confusion, turn your gaze
Towards the light that blinds your heart
Contorted images call upon the last page
Of a story you never wanted to end

This verse really didn't do much for me. you chose a abac rhyme scheme instead of the abcb before. I think a standard rule of writing songs is a constant rhyme scheme unless you want to change up a chorus or bridge. Throughout all verses, the scheme should remain constant.

You'll flaunt the good!
Never saw it coming
Silence the bad!
This is forever
Remember youll never walk this path again!

Is this political? I like the flow of it. It really is nice.

When the storm worn anchors drag you
To the bottom of the sea
Don't forget to look up
At me falling to my knees

Which should I choose?
False heavens emerge from this hell
Indifference is a gift I lack
I'm locked in this decrepit wasteland!

I'm going to surmise these 2 stanzas together. The first stanza is powerful and really displays a good image. Definitely better than most of my stuff. The second stanza, however, doesn't seem to rhyme at all. (I'm a rhyme police ) However the wording of it is good. Also, glad you changed it to false.

Envy stricken, Ego driven
Words wasted on the pit of snakes
Youve found yourself in

I'm definitely a fan of switching things up, which is why I like that you added an extra little stanza here to throw it off from the standard Intro/Verse/Chorus/V/C/Bridge/C/Outro sequence. My one concern is that I don't understand the 2nd line. How does one waste words on a pit of snakes? Again, the syllables may not fit, but if you can make it work, go for it.

You flaunt the good!
Never saw it coming
Silence the bad!
This is forever
Remember youll never walk this path again!

But only then will realise
Our wrongs were always right

Damn good way to end it.


All in all, pretty damn good for a first timer. Hopefully I get around the that second iteration another time. Have you considered making it a 2 part song? because unless it's gonna be 10 minutes or a really fast rap song, it's a lot of lyrics.

Hey, C4C? My song should be on the front page, called "Poisoned".
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Old 06-24-2012, 10:57 PM   #11
corza334
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Very helpful! Will definitely C4C.

Quote:
This verse really didn't do much for me. you chose a abac rhyme scheme instead of the abcb before. I think a standard rule of writing songs is a constant rhyme scheme unless you want to change up a chorus or bridge. Throughout all verses, the scheme should remain constant.


I fixed that in the newest iteration

Quote:
The second stanza, however, doesn't seem to rhyme at all. (I'm a rhyme police ) However the wording of it is good. Also, glad you changed it to false.


I have a free-verse fixation haha had to force myself to rhyme at all. I just thought it might fit there ;p

Quote:
My one concern is that I don't understand the 2nd line. How does one waste words on a pit of snakes? Again, the syllables may not fit, but if you can make it work, go for it.


To be honest, the pit of snakes rose from trying to talk to someones 'friends'.

Quote:
Damn good way to end it.


Thanks

Will C4C yours after lunch!
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Old 06-25-2012, 02:57 AM   #12
corza334
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Okay, possible final revision?

Again I wake from these
These nightmares of lust lacking finesse
I'm heartlessly doting
Over these dreams fading with consciousness

Encumbered confusions turning your gaze
Towards a light that renders you blind
Contorted images summon no hope
For the bliss beginning we left behind

You'll flaunt the good!
Never saw it coming
Silence the bad!
This is forever
Remember youll never walk this path again!

When the storm worn anchors pull you down
To the bottom of the seas
You'll gaze up bewildered
At me rising from my knees

Which do I choose?
False heavens emerge from this hell
Indifference is a gift I lack
While locked in this decrepit shell!

Envy stricken, Ego driven
Words wasted on the pit of snakes
Youve found yourself in

You'll flaunt the good!
We never saw this coming
and Silence the bad!
This is forever
just remember youll never walk this path again

Gazing out this crimson dawn
Alone I've come to realise
Our wrongs were always right





Also me and a friend think:

You'll flaunt the good!
Never saw it coming
Silence the bad!
This is forever
Remember youll never walk this path again!

needs more words.. so how about

You'll keep flaunting the good!
We never saw this coming
You can't silence the bad!
This is forever
Remember youll never walk this path again!

?

Last edited by corza334 : 06-25-2012 at 03:00 AM.
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Old 06-26-2012, 03:54 AM   #13
lifemeansyes
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i like it as a poem/idea but remember, you have to think about how the words are going to feel in a melody
as in, how would you phrase "encumbered", for example, to make it flow out of someone's mouth in a song?
complex words are good, but overly complex syllable combinations make things difficult
i still like it though
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Old 06-28-2012, 02:36 PM   #14
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Nice !!
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Old 10-02-2012, 04:51 AM   #15
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Sorry mate, I was going over my older lyrics I posted here and totally mist your C4C request.

I really like the lyrics, but I cant really wrap my finger around what kind of rhythm/melody/music style you want to add to this.
If you should record this one day, I'll be interested in listening to it!
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