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Old 10-02-2012, 04:43 PM   #1
剣 斧 血
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Location: England
My Dear

Your skin was always so appealing
Sweet to touch, painful, but satisfying
Now, my dear, it's safe to say
You have the allure of rusted gold
How wrong was I
To trust, think you different?
Another liar
Another coward
Another...

She likes you
But I love you

Now I sit broken limbed,
Licking wounds
For you to play cupid
After, willingly,
I placed my heart in your hands

And you call me insane?
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It didn't take long to realise
The safest place was not her arms, but her eyes
Where she can't see you
For her gaze, it blisters;
Grey skin to cinders

Last edited by 剣 斧 血 : 10-02-2012 at 05:41 PM.
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Old 10-02-2012, 05:35 PM   #2
seventh_angel
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I don't like the repetition of sweet on the second line, and the question mark should be moved after "different" I think.

Everything else is good, I especially loved the ending; it was simple, but I enjoyed reading it.
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Old 10-02-2012, 05:41 PM   #3
剣 斧 血
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Quote:
Originally Posted by seventh_angel
I don't like the repetition of sweet on the second line, and the question mark should be moved after "different" I think.

Everything else is good, I especially loved the ending; it was simple, but I enjoyed reading it.


Thinking on it, I definitely agree about the question mark. And I think I may exchange the second "sweet" for "satisfying", it sounds better in my head. Thanks for the advice.
__________________
It didn't take long to realise
The safest place was not her arms, but her eyes
Where she can't see you
For her gaze, it blisters;
Grey skin to cinders
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Old 10-02-2012, 05:44 PM   #4
Bair
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gold dont rust fool! anyway, its pretty good. depressing, but good. is this about a g/f turning gay?
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Old 10-02-2012, 05:51 PM   #5
剣 斧 血
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bair
gold dont rust fool! anyway, its pretty good. depressing, but good. is this about a g/f turning gay?


Nah, it's about a girl who turned me down, told me she doesn't want a boyfriend until after exams in June and now has one. Then started telling me that I could get with her friend straight after revealing she'd just got a boyfriend.
__________________
It didn't take long to realise
The safest place was not her arms, but her eyes
Where she can't see you
For her gaze, it blisters;
Grey skin to cinders
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Old 10-03-2012, 02:07 AM   #6
Bair
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bummer dude
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