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Old 09-30-2012, 08:39 PM   #1
#1 synth
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the shoebox

men were born to fear the shoebox

there is something truly sinister in the confined darkness
pulsing underneath
the neatly folded cardboard like a human rib cage
protecting the heart of a universe

you came to me when you woke up with your temperature rising
from a fevered dream of your legs tied down, drowning,
in a deep lake surrounded by woods

you came to me when you lost your voice screaming the name you'd picked out
for your unborn child

you came to me and I held you
but said nothing
because there was nothing to say

my son,
you are right to be afraid
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Old 10-01-2012, 04:06 PM   #2
seventh_angel
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I really like the ambient you created around this piece. The only thing I'm not sure it works is the opening line. Especially since you named the piece The Shoebox, I feel like there's no need for it and it kind of sounds silly out of context. If you went straight to the first stanza I think it'd work just the same.
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Old 10-07-2012, 10:26 PM   #3
Jammydude44
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Quote:
Originally Posted by #1 synth
I like you going for pure atmosphere here.
men were born to fear the shoebox
subtle forcing of acceptance of a metaphor, I like. "You shall read on and learn exactly what I mean".
there is something truly sinister in the confined darkness
pulsing underneath
the neatly folded cardboard like a human rib cage
This line felt really forced, unless you actually meant it to read as stiff as cardboard in as some ironic postmodern joke, I think it can be improve upon or removed.
protecting the heart of a universe
Maybe you did mean it as a joke.

you came to me when you woke up with your temperature rising
This is one of those lines that is really uninteresting but you always find a way to make them read magically. The resistance of the line break really lets this run through, and it's rare to see that (it's something I'm struggling with at the moment, to let a line just breath. I'm still far too agitated and juve. Man I should grow up.)
from a fevered dream of your legs tied down, drowning,
"from" doesn't hit into this idea very well, displaces it all a little. The comma at the end of the line also holds back what I feel would have been a much more active line break - with "drowning" stuck between two commas I think it loses its impact, just because another attached-on accessory words. Some may say you're highlighting it, I think you're not putting such an important verb into proper use.
in a deep lake surrounded by woods

you came to me when you lost your voice screaming the name you'd picked out
for your unborn child
Something about the top line irks. I'm not sure it's because I'd prefer "after losing your voice screaming" and I'm finding the tenses icky, or maybe it's just because there's a general handful of pronouns in it. Could maybe do with a little editing.

you came to me and I held you
but said nothing
because there was nothing to say
I know you've vetoed punctuation here, but don't you feel this last line has more impact with a full stop at the end of it? Same with your final line. Sometimes, the reader needs that gesture to consider, think, if only for a split second. Leave the line open and it's easy to drift on by and miss the emotion.

my son,
you are right to be afraid


Short, restrained, like you were forcing yourself to be more cautious in your wording. It's not minimalist, but it certainly was missing the strength in imagery I associate with you. That said read very true to your intentions, and was very well designed in its drawling expanse.
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