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Old 10-04-2012, 11:40 PM   #1
Kreaton
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Aesthetics of a darker place

You remain convinced that
Everyone you know, everyone you love
Will melt into the background

While you're left in the centre-focus
Wondering, waiting
"Is this all that I'm ever going to be?"

Your Stutter breath is getting caught
Dry lips and a persistent cough
The taste of life has never quite been the same
What a shame

The soles of your walking shoes are worn
Blisters grow on your feet from wandering miles
Hook, line and sinker, its got you in its clutch
Hook, line and sinker, so much for giving up

Violent, sinking, deep and meaningful
Conflicting, contradicting
The road we all travel has been worn smooth
Yet every time you walk along it
You start picturing up potholes, dips, speed bumps a plenty

You left all your baggage at the wayside
Yet you're still the passenger
Cold and calculated
Aesthetics of a darker place

Poison lingers at the edge of your tongue
every action you take, every promise you break
is of an others design
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Old 10-07-2012, 04:13 PM   #2
Nilchii
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Join Date: Feb 2009
There's some nice stuff here. I like the third stanza and the first line of the fourth, especially. The "baggage/passenger" bit is nice.

It feels a bit rushed, though, as if you're pretty convinced that you're a good writer, and so you don't care so much about precision. Parts of it are vague or careless - little punctuation slips; phrases that almost work; places where I hear your mind saying, "Eh, it's close enough."

Get closer, and I'll read your stuff again.

peace
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Old 10-07-2012, 06:44 PM   #3
Kreaton
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Honestly it is a little rushed, I tend on taking some time with my next piece
If you're up for it you should read my other post titled 'glass when glazed',
I took a lot more time with it


Cheers for the comment.
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