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Old 10-08-2012, 08:05 AM   #1
NGD1313
left & leaving
 
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Live Nude Models

don't be pleased and don't be (please?)

in the faded light of an alarm clock heart
with a handful of parts replaced
and no longer loud enough to wake -
you are a consolation prized,
a neon sign blinking off and on
as you dream of things i can't define.

so insistent in my indifference,
as a bruised sky chipping glass from windows.
meeting people is easy for awkward coffee kisses
but i'm weaker than that -
an occasional disappearing act
quietly scribbling eulogies for everything
and still waiting for a love i don't deserve;
it doesn't hurt.

(i miss your blood)
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Old 10-08-2012, 09:21 AM   #2
FrauVfromPoB
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: The unseasonably warm northeast of the US
The first and last lines ruined the **** out of an otherwise pretty good song. The first line is just weird, and the final line comes off as an overly dramatic attempt at darkness. Not cool brah. The middle two paragraphs are fine.
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Old 10-08-2012, 09:41 AM   #3
seventh_angel
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
 
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Join Date: Aug 2007
The only thing that didn't work for me was

"so insistent in my indifference,
as a bruised sky chipping glass from windows."


It's just that the phrasing is weird.

Everything else was lovely.
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