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Old 10-08-2012, 08:05 AM   #1
left & leaving
NGD1313's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2006
Live Nude Models

don't be pleased and don't be (please?)

in the faded light of an alarm clock heart
with a handful of parts replaced
and no longer loud enough to wake -
you are a consolation prized,
a neon sign blinking off and on
as you dream of things i can't define.

so insistent in my indifference,
as a bruised sky chipping glass from windows.
meeting people is easy for awkward coffee kisses
but i'm weaker than that -
an occasional disappearing act
quietly scribbling eulogies for everything
and still waiting for a love i don't deserve;
it doesn't hurt.

(i miss your blood)
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Old 10-08-2012, 09:21 AM   #2
Registered User
FrauVfromPoB's Avatar
Join Date: Jun 2010
The first and last lines ruined the **** out of an otherwise pretty good song. The first line is just weird, and the final line comes off as an overly dramatic attempt at darkness. Not cool brah. The middle two paragraphs are fine.
The Antioch Antioxidant Accident - Experimental metal

Deranged Youth - Melodic punk/grind

I have a music degree so you can believe everything I say.
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Old 10-08-2012, 09:41 AM   #3
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
seventh_angel's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2007
The only thing that didn't work for me was

"so insistent in my indifference,
as a bruised sky chipping glass from windows."

It's just that the phrasing is weird.

Everything else was lovely.
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