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Old 10-14-2012, 06:19 AM   #1
brokencoastline
(objects) ocean.
 
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wotw : velvia (i)

velvia (i)

we open doors slowly,
step over sleeping bodies,
another house
another play or
something like one
and i'm afraid of how it ends.

that spring we climbed,
finding wind i forgot existed,
i stopped to wipe the dust of the path
from my eyes
but there are thousands of lights
in the night sky
and you took off ahead.

i'm learning how to slip away
from that ever-distant dawn
bleaching out the horizon,
searing my memory until it passes
and i'm left tracing the reds in your skin.
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behind these two hills here I fall asleep.

Last edited by brokencoastline : 10-16-2012 at 12:47 AM.
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Old 10-15-2012, 12:17 PM   #2
treborillusion
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I can really relate to the first stanza.
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Originally Posted by laid-to-waste
look nigga, if you're chillin with 5 bros and 2 hos, you're gonna wanna pay attention to all of em equally. not moon over the hos forever and laugh at every shitty thing they say and just stare at them all night, like some of my mates do.
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Old 10-15-2012, 02:27 PM   #3
jiminizzle
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i've been reading your old poems lately.

i come back to "in the way that our footsteps made the sound of cracking husks..." almost every day now. Trying to title an album something of a similar theme as that ending. still haven't nailed anything down like you did though.

i do like the movement, from the trail to the sky, to the horizon then zooming in to curling up with the smallest traces of color in dim light. well, something like that.

read this one while this was playing

i think it's going to be a pretty day.
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Old 10-15-2012, 02:46 PM   #4
seventh_angel
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I've read through your previous posts and feel sad that I had never noticed you before (I think you were more active when I stopped writing for a while).

This was beautiful.
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Old 10-15-2012, 11:30 PM   #5
brokencoastline
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Jimmy - Thanks so much. I read through most of those poems again for the first time today too. I'm amazed how those feelings are still so important to me. I'm sure you'll come up with something for your album (I remember seeing tour dates for your band posted on here somewhere, months ago. You guys came really close to me, Alexandria I think, and I had every intention of going if I hadn't been working at the time. Do you guys have anything coming up?) And yeah, something very like that.

seventh_angel (name?) - Thanks.
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Old 10-15-2012, 11:49 PM   #6
kdownes
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I feel the wording is a little clumsy a times, a little awkward. Some of the lines drag on too long without punctuation, or are simply punctuated strangely. As a whole, I like the piece, I really do, but it's let down by a few stumbles. The 3rd/4th line of the first stanza is especially awkward to read.
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Old 10-16-2012, 12:50 AM   #7
brokencoastline
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Thanks. I fixed some line breaks and changed some punctuation. I'm not sure how much that solves the awkwardness you're talking about but hopefully this reads a little better now, although I'm sure it's still there to some degree.
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Old 10-16-2012, 04:33 AM   #8
kdownes
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It's a lot smoother now, those edits really worked.
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Old 10-17-2012, 05:43 PM   #9
seventh_angel
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Congratz ! ^^
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Old 10-17-2012, 07:00 PM   #10
vintage x metal
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congrats. I saw this the other day and I'm happy you put something down. come visit again in the next couple of weeks before all the leaves go away - the drive is the most beautiful right now.
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Old 10-18-2012, 05:28 PM   #11
brokencoastline
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Thanks secret council (and everyone else).

Saadia - I'd really like to. I can't leave this weekend or next but hopefully there won't be anything holding me back after that.
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behind these two hills here I fall asleep.
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Old 10-22-2012, 06:23 PM   #12
AngryGoldfish
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You also good but I unstick from front page, ya?
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Old 11-02-2012, 09:18 AM   #13
arthur_s
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Sounds good, really nice. What would be title for this song?
Any creative ideas?
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