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Old 10-20-2012, 02:40 PM   #1
jiminizzle
Lost Pilot
 
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: Coming Down, Cleveland Avenue
Ballad, Chicago

Ballad, Chicago.

On nights like these it hardly matters if you drive all night or lie
to noone but yourself while bedrooms fill with dust.
Well even brightness in the end can find us lifeless silent, save
for blank suggestions, silhouettes of selves we lost

in basements, old apartments sold for hopes of coasts in glass airports,
or webs of roads that also left from Rome, and from
Chicago, who now calls: a train blows past my room. The city wide
in view, the dawn reaches my eyes and opens them.
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Old 10-20-2012, 03:36 PM   #2
NGD1313
left & leaving
 
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yes.
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Old 10-20-2012, 05:47 PM   #3
Matt Chavie
aspiring breakdancer...
 
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Location: Minnesota, US
I like it a lot. The punctuation is all jacked up imo, and I think where you made a new line is really odd. Like it should've been
"...lifeless silent,
save for..." it kind of takes away from the piece. I think you painted a clear picture and used some pretty words to get us there. Good job. C4C if you don't mind. I just posted a daunting haunting, I am still debating the title...
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Old 10-22-2012, 05:10 PM   #4
brokencoastline
(objects) ocean.
 
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This reads very naturally, and the end carries all the weight it should. Lately I'm not sleeping all that well and it feels something like this.
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images.
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behind these two hills here I fall asleep.
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Old 10-22-2012, 06:35 PM   #5
seventh_angel
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
 
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This was beautiful.
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Old 10-31-2012, 02:59 AM   #6
jiminizzle
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Location: Coming Down, Cleveland Avenue
Thanks, Gents. I do plan on talking back, after a gig and some coursework thursday.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Matt Chavie
I like it a lot. The punctuation is all jacked up imo, and I think where you made a new line is really odd. Like it should've been
"...lifeless silent,
save for..." it kind of takes away from the piece. I think you painted a clear picture and used some pretty words to get us there. Good job. C4C if you don't mind. I just posted a daunting haunting, I am still debating the title...


I'll get to yours soon too. I should work on punctuation more. The linebreaks are sometimes because of the alternating iambic oct/hexameter it was originally written in, but I need to work on paying more attention to enjambment and phrasing so I especially appreciate your criticisms here.

Thanks
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Old 11-07-2012, 12:57 PM   #7
vintage x metal
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sounds. I'm hearing them.
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