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Old 10-23-2012, 01:06 AM   #1
cubs
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Location: mexico city
SemaŠ (fine, well...)

you are one of the main characters in an epic poem
written by an unknown person in the XIII century.
that's one of the many things i like about you
[other things include (but are not limited to):
constantly feeling blue,
wearing small shoes and kicking around with drug dealing crews]
though that probably has nothing to do with anything.

upon settling in a litterae thunderstorm,
i stopped giving a damn about cold and wrong
for i was delighted
like a mexican child in the snow.

upon falling assleep on the first row
of a roman amphitheatre
i realized i cared not for when's a song
or past tense cadence shows or future provokes
but for how sometimes in those blurrynsleep states
you glow a glimpse of how beauty is formed.

and all is redone
(or at least i think so).

like a humbebious plumphy, i- our words
don't even make sense now but please
buy a dictionary to improve your diction
especially when writing my fiction
or sucking an indie lit circle clit
screaming "Don't!" and "Stop!"
because you can't get any enemies
or anyone to get it with, right


once someone said something like:
'we shall not dwell into semantics'
it was probably someone with lots of freetime
probably someone who signs letters with 'sincerely, Bloomfield
from Springfield with missery reminiscent of the Simpsons'
or something like that and so on with the misters,
everything's empty and insane.
i laugh hard at circles.
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Old 10-23-2012, 07:25 AM   #2
kdownes
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I'm in two minds about this. I feel it lacks something, and I also feel the style gets in the way a lot more than enhances, and yet, I found myself really enjoying parts. The strange rhyming sections, especially in the first stanza, are weirdly charming and I really love the final stanza.
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Old 10-24-2012, 02:06 PM   #3
cubs
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this was fun experimentation. language exploration. i don't see how the style gets in the way. i actually don't understand that phrase, it gets in the way of what? i think the style is a fundamental part of this. it was fun. glad you could enjoy parts of this. thank you much for reading
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Old 10-24-2012, 06:20 PM   #4
kdownes
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I just feel at times it felt like "style for style's sake", if you know what I mean. Some of the misspellings and the like are quite clever and flow nicely, while others just felt forced or unnecessary, thereby detracting from the piece or "getting in the way of the substance", so to speak. It's definitely not bad, and as an experiment it mostly works, but I still feel it's not as confident as your other works that deftly balance substance with hints of this kind of experimentation. It's a better balance, in my opinion. But if you had fun writing it, at the end of the day, that's the most important thing.
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Old 10-29-2012, 05:31 PM   #5
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i think this was one of the better pieces i've written lately, to be honest. thank you for your comments
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Old 11-07-2012, 12:42 PM   #6
vintage x metal
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i just want to kiss you. you are funny. we'll meet one day. that last line fucking nailed it in a way I really admire. I think you could make it even loopier - maybe play with the first four lines a bit, there's something almost clunky about them.
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