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Old 10-23-2012, 04:25 PM   #1
Nardis
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WotW : Patience

In the wind a red leaf hangs
Then flutters to the ground.
It crumbles underneath my feet
With a muffled crackling sound.
It echoes through the pale moonlight
In which the evening bathes
And taking pause to look around
I dream of my escape.

The seconds arduously fade
To minutes, to hours, to agonizing days
And far below the autumn moon
For peace, I lay in wait.
She says, with a mournful sigh
“Your patience is misplaced.”
But still I stand upon my pride
'Til twilight turns the night to day.
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Old 10-26-2012, 11:22 PM   #2
Ganoosh
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This is good. You are good. Keep posting here. How old are you? I'm not creepy.

Peace.
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Old 10-27-2012, 10:56 AM   #3
Nardis
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Keep posting I shall, and I'm 18.
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Old 10-29-2012, 07:44 AM   #4
arthur_s
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I liked your songwriting skills. It's simple but says very much. Also, would like to hear it singing by you with the guitar accompaniment
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Old 10-29-2012, 02:38 PM   #5
Adub
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wow, you are only 18?!?! you write like someone in their 20s. Impressive.

C4C

http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...d.php?t=1570421
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Old 10-29-2012, 10:41 PM   #6
Flevi
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This reminds me of a Robert frost poem, if you haven't already read some of his stuff you might want to check it out
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Old 10-29-2012, 10:58 PM   #7
designerpajamas
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nardis
In the wind a red leaf hangs
Then flutters to the ground.
It crumbles underneath my feet
With a muffled crackling sound.
It echoes through the pale moonlight
In which the evening bathes
And taking pause to look around
I dream of my escape.

The seconds arduously fade
To minutes, to hours, to agonizing days To minutes, hours, agonizing days
And far below the autumn moon
For peace, I lay in wait.
She says, with a mournful sigh She tells me, with a mournful sigh
“Your patience is misplaced.”
But still I stand upon my pride
'Til twilight turns the night to day.


I like this a lot. That's why I bothered to make those small changes. It makes the flow better, at least, in my head, the way I'm reading it.

I want the second stanza to make more of a point. The last two lines don't bring it home for me. I love the idea of waiting for peace, the moon "saying" don't bother, peace won't come, but... you've brought up agonizing days... and the last two lines make it really short-scale again, you know what I mean? Like...it limited it to just this one day, you "stand upon your pride" (this doesn't really make sense to me) until the morning... but what does that have to do with waiting a long, long time for peace? I would prefer an ending that... I dunno... it's your piece so I guess I'm telling you, hey, come up with a more awesome ending. Something that makes more of a point than that. Something that brings it full circle, brings it back to patiently waiting for what never comes... Think!!

Like... something about how there's nothing you can do BUT wait... or go back to the leaf thing... there's lots of metaphors in falling leaves, ever-turning seasons...lots of poetic ways to talk about it... I have faith in you!

Last edited by designerpajamas : 10-29-2012 at 11:01 PM.
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Old 11-02-2012, 02:11 PM   #8
Nardis
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I definitely like the substitution of "She says" with "She tells me", thank you for your input.

Last edited by Nardis : 11-02-2012 at 02:12 PM. Reason: grammatical error
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Old 11-06-2012, 11:22 AM   #9
cubs
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congratulations, this was picked for 'writing of the week'
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Old 11-12-2012, 12:33 PM   #10
Nardis
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thank you my friend, i appreciate it.
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