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Old 10-26-2012, 05:02 PM   #1
ha ha funny
trackmind's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2006

(itís kind of like
riding an elevator
that never stops
that just keeps descending
now matter how frantically you press
the stop button).

last time i saw you
you were happy
almost unusually
in that way.
had made you whole
as if
you had travelled so quickly
so that
all the terrors and pains
of the world
barely had been visible.
as if they had just passed
like unsignificantly blurry
in your fast motion prescense

(i know things you donít.
thatís why Iím here.)

you called over the phone
your voice sounded easy,
like it always does
in fast motion.
like a smurf.
like a fast forward audio file.
spreading your incredible laughter
as if youíd never experienced lonelieness
and I understood nothing.
we spoke, I listened.
and I listened carefully,
tried to grasp who you were.

it took a while
but now I know.

(i know things you donít.
e.g., that a few stories down
the elevator door will open
you will step in,
and youíll ask where weíre going).
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Old 10-26-2012, 10:57 PM   #2
big gay celadon crocodile
Ganoosh's Avatar
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Fat and Easy, Georgia, America
I love to see people playing around with interesting structures, so the continued theme with the elevators was nice, wrapping both mentions of the one image in parentheses that enclose the rest of the piece. One thing that irks me is the line breaks here, make sure you're careful not to interrupt the flow of things in the middle of important parts with an undue line break. Maybe the short lines were done to imitate the dropping of an elevator, but it gives more of a jerky impression that's very un-elevator-like.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
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Old 10-26-2012, 11:20 PM   #3
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
seventh_angel's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2007
I really really liked this except "like a smurf./like a fast forward audio file.". Those sounded extremely out of place because they had such a different tone.
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Old 10-27-2012, 09:52 AM   #4
ha ha funny
trackmind's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2006
The 'smurf' lines are sort of supposed to sound out of place. I personally find them humorous and I don't really see why comedy and loneliness can't coexist.

And concerning the short line breaks... The only reason why it looks like that is because that's the way it comes out when I write, and I generally don't like editing/proofreading/correcting. So...

Not saying you guys are wrong, though. You both have a point or two.

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Old 10-29-2012, 08:29 AM   #5
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: US
Song about the love/relationships, right? I liked it. I think you need also interesting chords. Open chords will sound poor. I would build this song on add9 chords. They will sound awesome
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